Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

I’ve just read this thread and gone back to read the OP.

You say that you’ve been planning this for a year, yet it feels like you’ve not really done your research and just lunged for a dream without thinking it through properly.

I'm surprised you think there was nowhere closer that you could have moved to. DS has just moved to Lincoln for 12 months and I know it’s less than an hour away because he did the drive a few weeks back. It seems a nice place to live and I’m sure the surrounding villages would be fine if you want to be out of the city.

I would normally say stick it out for longer but I’m not sure you’ve fully done your homework and prepared everyone well enough. I certainly would have researched out of school activities for both kids and encouraged them to do at least one to encourage them to mix outside of school.

Maybe you should go back and then reconsider where you can go to that might be suitable for all of you. It feels like you were sold on a vision without trying to find out if it’s the reality. Personally, I would not have moved children at that age although I would probably have moved schools if DS was playing up.

Go somewhere that makes you happy. Do not expect your kids to stay close once they're old enough as you could make another mistake and find yourself a long way from family. Even homebodies move out eventually.

I say all this as someone who has relocated a few times. You do have to make an effort in the early days and it is a lonely place to start with. You can not expect to up sticks, transplant your life and it be exactly the same as before. All places have good and bad aspects. You just have to decide which ones you can accept and which ones you can’t.

Don't make any plans around your children's futures. I have two brothers. All three of us moved to completely different places all around the country after university- well away from our home town. Also only one of us has, and children (me) Children adapt. I'm a secondary school teacher in an ex-pit town- we have children who have moved from different countries and cultures to a small insular Midlands town and make friends.

Hold out, it doesn’t sound like it’s been long at all and it takes a while to settle. It’s worth it for the better area and the kids will get there, it’s just a hard age to move for them but when isn’t. Get rid of the old house, that’s not helping and no idea why you are going back for half term, that’s not really helping. Also I wonder if you are teaching them a lesson that if life feels too hard, you can give up?

It really boils down to a choice between your children's current happiness and their future prospects. Personally, I would be inclined to stick it out. It's very early days. I had to laugh at them not liking school because the children behave. That is exactly why you need to stay there. Keep encouraging your dd to do stuff out of school that will help her to make new friends.

I'm not sure that going back at half term will be helpful.

I woould move when they are about 18/20 but within a reasonable distance so they can still visit friends/family from the area - maybe 30 - 45 mins away. If the Cotswolds is your dream, I would do that later in life when they are fully grown, with their own families (maybe when fully retired).

I would stick it out. From your last update it sounds like there are lots of positives for you all, your son sounds fairly settled and that he will stay out of trouble there. Your daughter is going to take longer. The small rental and sharing a bedroom probably isn’t helping at all, can you take a hit in your house price to sell quickly and buy something nice? Once they have a nice home they might feel differently.

Op I think you need to stick it out. But maybe there are things you need to do to make it easier. Kids at that age are very critical. Have they seen you move in and assume your new rental will be your home (oh they're from up north and can't afford much?), would a larger rental help. Have the kids got a different style (trends seem to change all over the place now) and would some shopping help? If your daughter is enjoying the riding, could you quietly see if the school has a different class with some girls her age? Maybe add an extra lesson in? Don't force her into clubs yet,.but do try and find a few things she would enjoy. Do you have a dog?! I say that seriously because my DD struggled with a lot of mental health issues and our dog was her saviour. She would walk it and in doing so people would come and say hello.
My DH and me are both 'up northerners'. We moved to Wales and had years of Mickey taking and still do. The kids join in now as they're Welsh! But, we both know they got some grief for us being seen as poor. Until we bought the best house in the village 😉

It’s only going to get harder to relocate the children. The choices are stick it out or resign yourself to another 6-10 years minimum in Scunthorpe.

Personally I would stick it out, and enrol your daughter in more activities. Also talk to the school (without your daughter knowing because CRINGE) and say she it struggling, could they low key do some things to help her integrate?

If you can’t do horses in Cotswolds, where can you?

What you say about schools makes me think of the saying that when you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas. Their old school must have been dreadful. There's no guarantees but at least you're giving them a chance for a decent education where you are.

Buy your daughter a horse. Stable it somewhere where there are lots of nice horsey girls hanging around. Could help…

@Jo20111 have you considered moving across the river to the northern Forest of Dean? It’s cheaper to buy a house than the Stroud/Ciren areas (so you could potentially lower the price on your Scunthorpe home) and Hartpury College might be a good shout for your daughter post-16. If you’re within reach of Gloucester your son can do construction type courses at GlosCol. And you’re still accessible to Cheltenham, Tewkesbury, Oxford, and Cirencester. Those parts around Hartpury are also VERY outdoorsy, very horsey.

Teenagers don’t like moving. Kids don’t like moving. My parents moved a lot and the worst one for me was the move they made the year I went to Uni because then everyone was returning to home in the summer to their friends and I had no one.

There is never a right time for kids. But there is a right time for you as a family and this is it.

They will adapt and make friends. It will take time. You haven’t give it that yet.

I moved from a posh international school to the north east. Then to the north east to a posh Cheshire village school at various points in my life. So I often stuck out like a sore thumb. You learn quickly to adapt and that is a lesson that is useful through all of life. I make friends quickly. I adapt my accent and behaviour to those around me. I use that in my work every day.

What you are giving them, long term, is far more than they are losing.

I think while you are wavering your daughter won't allow herself to settle/try with the other kids. I like what another poster said about 'going big' on all occasions to distract them, it sounds like you can afford it, so you need to stop dithering about the other house, make it clear that is over and get your new house sorted.

Keep them in the new better area in the long run. They'll adjust and have friends in time.
My parents decided to send my sibling and I to better summer camps. Brother had no issues in boys camp whereas I wrote letters home daily begging them to come get me, how horrible the food was, and they called the camp and after a chat said they'd bring me home and did.
When we got home my mother said that for a girl who hated camp, all I did on the drive home was regale them with stories of fun things we did there.
They should have left me lol.
Your dc are lucky to get to live in the Cotswolds.

I was born in Scunthorpe and grew up in North Lincs. There's plenty of leafy countryside and decent farm shops and coffee shops if that's your thing. I actually live in probably an ever shittier area now, but there's no way I'd trade what we have here for a smaller house in a 'nicer' part of the country.

However, I don’t see why you say they wouldn’t fit in at private school in Scunthorpe.

Although this did make me chuckle, there are no private schools in North Lincolnshire

It sounds like too big a change. Is there not a village close to York or Sheffield that would work better? Still up north and with country activities but safer than Doncaster?
BTW why such a small rental even for a few weeks when you can afford more? Your two are too old to share.

Honestly I would stay, children (even teens) shouldn’t dictate such a massive thing as where you live. You’re their parents and you moved for their safety and educational future. Those are incredibly important things, they will make friends in time and even if those aren’t their closest friends it’s doesn’t sound like their mates from their old town were necessarily going to lead them in the right direction in life. If you go back to Scunthorpe and they get led astray you’ll never forgive yourself.

How are you feeling this morning OP?

I've read the updates and had forgotten about Hartbury. My dil to be went there. My son and his fiancee live in Caversham so she can access the stables. In the Oxfordshire boarders.

My DD had 4 secondary schools including a posh Cotswolds boarding school (which she hated) but she made a couple of top friends. She's now 23 and they're still friends. She changed schools at 13 and it's a tricky age.
I personally love the Cotswolds. My sister had a pub and restaurant there and we had much fun in the late 1980s. There are lovely towns like Burford and Stow. Tetbury is great too if you're looking for new furniture.
Have you found your new house yet?
If not get on rightmove and involve the DC. As I said up thread we have moved a lot!
There's plenty to buy after the Sussex family relocation to the Cotswolds. People but their houses up for sale to cash in.
Fwiw I moved to a posher area as I didn't want my DC involved with gang culture. My family are mixed heritage and that would have been an issue. My son has a political job in London and my daughter is a trainee medic. Would they have achieved that in my home town? I doubt it.

There also might be a grain of truth in the small rental looking a bit pov as my daughter would call it. Teenagers sharing a bedroom is pants at that age.
Country life did a focus on Cotswold property a few months back. You might be able to back order a back copy.

Just to add I met my husband at a nightclub in Cheltenham. We've been married nearly forty years so he's a top guy.

'There also might be a grain of truth in the small rental looking a bit pov as my daughter would call it'

Delightful

They’re not moving to a smaller house though… they’re just renting currently pending their house sale.

You mention that your daughter was out at night, that and the fact she's seeking company older than her suggests she was maybe growing up a bit too quickly where you were.
Stay, don't go back at half term, just take it off the table so she learns to settle in.

I thought the OP had said there's no way they could afford something that is as nice as their current house?

She did also say they'd have a bigger, nicer house than 90% of the people in the area and that they were well off.