Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

It's this "posh", and equal disdain, demonstrated in the post down from yours:

My 3 children spent much of their childhoods in a Thameside Village in Oxfordshire. When my middle son was 14, I had reason to return to Thurrock for the first time in decades, and took him with me. As we left at the end of the day he said to me "I can't believe Granny & Grandad made you live here"!!
Your daughter may thank you in future for the new life you enabled her to have.

Not blaming the kids either way. They know/love their home, posh or shithole, and can find the opposite scary. Just saying it's mad to pretend it's not a thing.

100pc this

I wouldn’t move back because your 12 year old daughter hasn’t settled. I have 3 daughters and 2/3 of them have had big shifts in friendship groups around 14. There’s a reasonable chance that, if you move back for her social group, that social group won’t be the same in a year or so.

So they get used to the new place and it becomes home and they broaden their horizons and become more adaptable.

Utter crap and goady and unkind.

They will adapt. I definitely wouldn't take the backwards step.

Don't know if this helps, but I moved my DS to a private 'posh' school when he was 13. The whole situation was so hard, and I had many doubts as to whether or not I was doing the right thing. The run up to it (summer holidays) was awful. He was very withdrawn for a few weeks, and then flourished. He now says it's the best thing I ever did for him (and I agree!).

Stroud is quite a mixed area and more likely to offer activities of interest for your kids. It also has excellent train links, numerous post-16 options, and lots of lovely coffee shops. Compared to the Cirencester area, Stroud is the hands-down winner for teens. Definitely. I would suggest you look again at the Stroud area (or towns/villages with decent bus links) and that might help.

DM me for more information if you like @Jo20111 , I work in the area and in education.

Your original OP makes the reader think ‘why in earth would you leave?’ But I think you have sound reasons and you shouldn’t get cold feet during the transition period. Things will settle down. That said, I think you now know there’s a world of difference between living somewhere and being from somewhere. Your kids are feeling that acutely and, even after the have settled, they are never going to have that deep level of belonging that comes from being born and brought up in the place your family are from. They could well gravitate north for university and then stay. There are loads of affluent places with good schools in the north of England that I would pick over the Cotswolds.

Or it may give them a taste of freedom, build confidence and want to live and travel - and enjoy all that it has to offer.
There's no way to know how they will end up as adults. Our family travelled a heck of a lot and I moved even more as an adult, about to move again. Home is what you make it and seeing some of the world is priceless.

8 weeks is nothing. Expect it to take up to a year to settle anywhere new.

The Cotswolds is a good choice, but you're right to think Stroud wouldn't be your best bet given what you've said (not wishing to offend anyone from Stroud!) although you get more for your money than you would in other towns/areas.

For clarity, I mentioned up-post that I'd taken my son out of state. It could be regarded as an extremely 'posh' school but still had a rough element, and he was getting more and more engrossed with this aspect.

I think that you have to do what you think is the best thing for your children. 12 and 14 are difficult ages (I moved DS at 13) but they categorically don't know what's in their best interests at these ages, especially at 12.

Thanks everyone, some very good points to mull over.

Ironically my daughter was really up for the move and my son wasn’t. In reality it’s ended up being the other way round!

The village we’ve chosen has everything that our old place didn’t. Walking distance to shops, bars, restaurants, horseriding, football, leisure centre, school, on a bus route to Cheltenham and Cirencester. The kids have so much more independence. I didn’t like them going out in our old village as I was worried their bikes would get stolen etc. We also lived on a busy road and didn’t even have a shop.

The first few days of school shocked me - they’re both outgoing popular kids with a wide friendship group at home. I genuinely thought they’d love it and everyone would want to get to know them. How wrong I was!

My daughter is resisting joining clubs other than horseriding. I’ve tried with numerous things. She’s made a few friends there but they’re 2 years older than her. She is really struggling to find common interests with the kids at school.

My sons behaviour at the old school wasn’t great although he’s bright and will achieve well in his GCSEs despite putting limited effort in. His behaviour at the new school is good simply because he can’t dck around with his mates because no one dcks around.

I keep explaining to my daughter that the children are not posh, it’s just an accent. We will end up with one of the more expensive houses in the area so are probably still better off than 90% of the kids there.

We chose the Cotswolds because it ticks so many of our boxes - good cycling, good schools, good links to nicer towns/cities like Cheltenham and Oxford. Even if we moved to a nicer area where we are our nearest towns would still be Doncaster, Scunthorpe and Rotherham. They’re all not great and declining.

We’ve always had family close which is where the grandkids comment comes from. Both myself and my husband stayed in our home village close to our parents. The grandparents saw a lot of the kids as they grew up. DHs mum will move where we do when we eventually get settled. I’d love our children to want to stay close by but I know it’s not a given. They’re not likely to go to uni - they seem to both prefer more vocational things. I think my son wants to do something in construction and my daughter wants to work with horses. Neither are city people (which is the same as us).

I think a big problem was that we were all really happy at our old house. I just wanted to move for a better future for everyone. Now nobody is happy (I’m not happy because the kids are sad) but I get that it’s early days.

I still don’t know which way this is going to go.

I would move back - these are really hard ages to move schools, friendships have already been made. I would move when they have finished school.

I think I might be swayed by the fact your son is struggling to find accomplices to d*ck about with. That sounds like a positive!

Ps, I should have said- we miss our house/home but not the location. I have a good house but its not THAT house. But location here is better.

Personally I wouldn’t move back. I moved from a rougher town to a ‘posh’ town and had to suck it up. It built resilience and people skills and taught me to be adaptable. I have used those skills throughout life to excel in my career. When you’re forced to do something out of your comfort zone, and stay there, you grow in ways you’d never imagine. I’m forever thankful for that lesson early on.

Yes that stuck out to me too. And the opportunity for your DD to have the horsey life she wants.

Is your current accommodation part of the problem? Can you move to a bigger, nicer rental?

The village we’ve chosen has everything that our old place didn’t. Walking distance to shops, bars, restaurants, horseriding, football, leisure centre, school, on a bus route to Cheltenham and Cirencester. The kids have so much more independence. I didn’t like them going out in our old village as I was worried their bikes would get stolen etc. We also lived on a busy road and didn’t even have a shop.

It sounds ideal. You’ve made a really good choice. That independence will be so important as they grow up. It makes a huge difference.

It’s going to be fine OP. If your DD is into horses she is in horse heaven in the Cotswolds. And it’s a really good way to meet people.

Buying your new home is key. It’s difficult not to feel unsettled in a rental home.

The grass isnt always greener 😕

Is there a nicer part of Scunthorpe?(!) Or at least somewhere nearby which is not so rough (I don't know that area at all). This sounds such a difficult move for the youngsters, I'd say cut your losses and go back to somewhere they'll feel more at home - it's lucky you still have the old house to move back to.

My parents did similar and I never enjoyed a single day in school after that. I had 6 years of hell. I know WHY they did it, and on paper it was a good idea … better schooling, actually a bigger house for us, better area, better long term chances. Would I do it to my own children. Honestly, only if they were in with the “wrong crowd” and I really felt I needed to break that friendship up.

We moved house last year when our children were exactly the same ages (and genders) as yours. We only moved round the corner (to a much nicer house with garden) and the kids didn’t change schools/friends, but my daughter really, really struggled. This time last year (when we were also 8 weeks post-move) was the lowest time for her as the shock had worn off and she realised we weren’t going back. We dug deep and focussed on having lots of visitors, went big for Halloween/Christmas, had a birthday party in the house, and 12 months later she is in a much better place (she would probably still pick the old house, but that’s life). If you think this move is the best place for your family, then you, as the adults, make the decision and you have to dig deep and carry the family forward with you. You’ll feel guilty and question your decision, but you have to be positive and lead by example, and things will improve with time.

(And, for what it’s worth, I grew up in the Cotswolds and it was an amazing childhood).

I just love that you’ve moved from Scunthorpe to the Cotswolds. Stick with it. Your DD will have so many more equestrian opportunities there.

Come to your decision about staying or going back.This is key to a stable platform for you all.

How do you expect your daughter to settle if she thinks she can go back?
She senses your worries and translates this to her escape route.

If you stay give your daughter a firm decision that she is not ever moving back.

Then support her to make a life in the Cotswolds which is where she is definitely located.

No need to go back to your old house in the school holidays is there? Because you all live in the Cotswolds now.

You appear to be feeding her yearning with your own uncertainty.

@Jo20111 my parents moved when I was a teen. At first I hated it, but within a year I had changed my mind. The original place is always going to be where I ‘grew up’ but the second … well, I am delighted they ignored me and stuck with it!