Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

Yes, I reread now. Skim reading in a boring work meeting!

I’d go back. Teenagers’ mental health is really important. Big changes at this age can cause lots of problems later on. I have experience of this. Go back. Let them have happy settled years where they are developing their sense of self.
it doesn’t mean you’ll always live there or that you’ll have grandchildren there. That’s ridiculous

It was a joke! It's a Cotswolds term like Chav (Cheltenham average)
Fwiw she is the sweetest most generous person I know. Her friends are from all walks of life.

You learn quickly to adapt and that is a lesson that is useful through all of life. I make friends quickly. I adapt my accent and behaviour to those around me. I use that in my work every day.

@OneCheekySwan now I'm wondering if you're a spy or deep cover cop?? Obviously you can't say ;)

Agree ... you'll be doing him a long term favour imo by forcing the move now before the real trouble starts

I've moved around quite a lot, although mainly as an adult. I think it takes around 18 months to feel fully settled somewhere, have built friendships, know the area etc.

It won't help that you aren't yet in your home, I know you are selling a property but I would try and get the new home asap as I think that will make a big difference. Going from a large property to tiny one, with likely limited space for themselves, will be a big part of the problem. If you had stayed where you were, but moved to a smaller space, they would still have struggled and probably compensated by going to see friends. They haven't built those friendships yet so have no space to 'escape' as hormonal teenagers need.

I'm sure they will feel settled soon, as it sounds like you are able to still afford a large property that supports their interests. You just need to make that last step, and be patient. They will be fine

It sounds like a really good move. Your daughter is going to have to get over herself. It'll just take time and it's up to her to make some mistakes and find her own feet.

What will happen when she goes to uni or starts work? You have to learn to put yourself out there.

Honestly, this morning I’m still feeling so conflicted. The kids are definitely being very short sighted wanting to move back for their friends and the old school.

They openly admit this is a much better area with more things to do and they said it would be perfect if they could just move their friends and old school here.

My concern is if we go back and they hit 17,18 and start going out more. The town centres nearby are really rough and not nice to be in. I wouldn’t let my teenage daughter go out shopping there or my son go out partying (if that’s even what teenagers do now?) It’s just really unpleasant, unsafe and getting worse. I wouldn’t recommend they stick around when they get older. In contrast, I took the train to Oxford and it was just lovely, great shops and restaurants with a lovely atmosphere.

I think moving into a bigger house would help. Our sale is dragging on - we should have been in the new house for the beginning of term. I thought we’d only be in this tiny rental for a few weeks. The funny thing is, I think it’s humbled my son a bit. When we first arrived he looked everywhere for the post box as he was waiting for some fishing hooks to arrive - I had to explain that the post comes through the letterbox on the door when you don’t have a long drive! Mind blown - he loves it! 😂 I just think it’s a lot of change all at once and I’m not sure if it’s a few steps too far.

There is a very big difference between moving about when one is older and moving to a very different place / school / life / house / friends, when one is 12/14. The brain has nowhere near developed yet and it's such a life forming age.

People on MN are always saying 'but kids are SO adaptable' - to basically excuse adult behaviour in not considering impacts of events on children. There are so many messed up adults in this world - and much of it is due to what they experienced as children, one way or another.

Of course they want to go back, it's easier. Who doesn't want the easier life? Dicking around in class and hanging around in the evenings being one of the 'gang' is far easier than getting to know people and having to develop yourself as a person.

I’ve only read your posts @Jo20111 but this one really stood out He almost got sent off the football pitch at the weekend for something that would be more than tolerated up north.

If anything tells you that you’ve done the right thing it’s that. It speaks volumes and he’s young enough to adopt those new values and benefit from them. You’d be crazy to go back.

Totally agree. Their life in the old town sounds terrible - low standards, low expectations, low achieving and poor outcomes lie in that direction.

Why did you leave it so late to escape?!

That stood out to me, too.

'When we first arrived he looked everywhere for the post box as he was waiting for some fishing hooks to arrive - I had to explain that the post comes through the letterbox on the door when you don’t have a long drive!'

😆Happens to us all

It’s not like the kids can’t stay in touch with mates nowadays.

I would stick it out.

Two months is a very short time to settle in to a new school.
It sounds like your son is already setting in and if he goes to Uni he will be able to relate to a larger group of people, Northerners and Southerners. You can’t avoid them forever
Your daughter hasn’t given it long, one more month and she might start to settle in.
My son moved from a ‘bad’ school in the South (bad behaviour, etc) to a Home Counties school. It took about a year and I felt tremendous guilt but it worked out. I know it’s hard when they come home and say that they are unhappy but if your daughter is in quite a large school I’m sure she will find friends.
I went to a below average Northern Comp and I moved South and had kids. I know the culture shock you get, I worked in retail for a while and people assumed that I was Polish.

OP having read your update and other comments I think you should hang on in there . DD is picking up the lingo and DS loves the letter box. They appreciate lots of things about the new area. They are missing their friends now but they will make new ones.
I would say though that your sale might take a long time or fall through, so why not set a date by which you will move to a bigger rental if you haven't yet exchanged contracts on the sale? The kids need their own rooms.

They will be fine. And dare I say it's not all about them!
We stuck around in one particular location for my sons prep school to finish. It was hell for us as it was very rural and very backward. My DD got abused a lot. For which she hasn't forgiven me or her brother.
My daughter would never want to live there again even though the houses are pretty. She retained no friends from those years.
My son is a sportsman and that makes a huge difference I think. They adjust well in my experience.
We're moving again shortly and we have involved the DD as she has to get to university. We're not far from you. If it helps my DD is a bit of a geek and not a girly girl. She made some excellent friends at her sixth form. Other posters are right the horse community is very strong around your way.
If you're living rurally make sure they can drive early. Buses are usually not good but there are connect services. Give it more time and hurry your purchase along.

I think it's more why go to the Cotswolds, rather than eg. Harrogate or Cheshire. Somewhere where the boy can still play proper football without being refd for looking at someone the wrong way.

You have no idea what he did. I doubt he nearly got sent off for looking at someone a bit funny.

🙄

GCHQ?

Sometimes parents know better than kids. Best not to give them a choice. We moved load - often abroad - for work and the kids moved with us. As long as we were all together as a family they were happy and coped.

Honestly, reading through the updates I'm even more surprised you're even entertaining moving back.
Look it it logically.
1)There are better educational opportunities for your children where they are now.
2) The school is already improving some behavoural issues your son was having at school.
3) Your daughter's hobbies (horse riding, and potentially working with horses as a career path) is more compatible with where you are now
4) Lower crime, safer and less opportunities for your children to get in with bad crowds (which you already indicated may have been a future possibility for you son back 'home')

5) Better area and more things to do as a family together

Honestly, your daughter sounds a bit pampered TBH, and you're doing no favours indulging her. Yes, change is difficult, and there definitely is room for sympathy there (especially as a child when your friendship groups are more impactful that when you are an adult on the whole) but caving in will be doing neither her or your family any favours.
If it were my daughter, I'd not be best pleased at the 'posh people' judgements while at the same time criticising the house for being like a poor person's and enjoying wealthy people's hobbies such as horse riding. I'm not one that advocates for 'tough love' because kids generally have things hard these days, but she sounds like she needs a bit of a reality check and be told that's she's being a snob herself.

Can you afford to buy your DD her own horse? That would keep her busy and help her to meet others at the stables and pony club.