Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

Our kids wouldn’t fit in at private school and all the other schools are just like the one they’ve left.

Sadly we couldn’t move earlier as we had too many ties.

If the house sale had gone through we would have had to stick it out here. But at least we’d have been in a big house with garden and lovely views. As the minute the kids are sharing a room because we thought it would only have been for a few weeks. They do get on really well but it’s tiny and not ideal.

Sorry if I've missed it, but why did you move? Do you have jobs/ties now in the Cotswolds that keep you there?

If not, and you're only in a rental then I'd be inclined to move back and think again once the DC aren't such a consideration. Perhaps it's easier/more suited to you to be the poshest family in Scunthorpe rather than just another family in the Cotswolds that feel like they don't quite fit in?

No ties to the Cotswolds we just thought the area offered more for all of us as a family for the future.

We’re not posh just well off. I like that I blend in more down here. I also like that there’s more aspirations from the parents and kids. People seem to want to do well.

As a 46-year-old, I can 100% see why you've moved, but my DC are the same age, and they would see it very similarly to yours I expect. If it really suits you, maybe try a bit longer.

You are putting an awful lot on future grandchildren and being close. With respect that’s years off if ever. I think you left it too late to move and I don’t think you have your kids best interests at heart here. Moving to tiny rental with shared room was never going to work.

I suspect you had rose coloured glasses on. At the end of the day you did chose to have children and school them in the area you did.

If they've suddenly had to share a room when they didn't have to in their old town that's definitely going to make them feel more negative. I don't get the grandchildren thing either, there's no guarantee that they will stay local whatever town you live in.

I think you have to decide whether this new place is better in the long run and it it is then you need to do everything to get the old house sold and get properly settled.

Wrong age to move children. I feel for them. Everything so far is what you like. What about the children?

I understand why you moved, but your DC won't. Very few teenagers want to move, and certainly not when it comes with judgement (right or wrong) on where they came from.
You need to solve the house situation fast, and find a good reason or bribe for them to stay. And stop going back to the old house, it will make everything worse.

I would say that your daughter needs to make more of an effort. Friendships won’t drop into her lap. She needs to get out there and join clubs rather than loaf about in her bedroom moping over her old mates.

OP what about somewhere up north like Harrogate or York? Lovely with great schools, beautiful countryside on your doorstep, excellent access to pretty decent healthcare, still vibey places with good Leeds and Manchester pretty close? That would be my shout for your circumstances. All my family from Harrogate and did several years between Leeds / Harrogate / York in uni years and absolutely loved it!

She says upthread they discounted Harrogate. Seemingly because they wanted rural, but doesn't quite track as no shortage of lovely rural spots in N Yorkshire with comparable benefits to the Cotswolds but not as posh in terms of accents / ability of kids to fit in and less of a drastic move culturally.

Good lord don't move back. Your daughter needs to suck it up. You need to be the adult and ensure your children grow up to be decent people - not people who think disruptive and bad behaviour is something to desire.

I’m originally from Mansfield- live in Bath - have done for quite a lot of years - stick it out - from experience dont let children dictate your choices , my son dictated lots of ours when younger and then moaned as a young adult as we had moved around a bit - yep to facilitate his choices!! It does take time but it may be your daughter is of a certain mindset in order to maybe try to make you change your mind - if it’s not happening she may well knuckle down more

The must be some reason you decided to make a move of this extreme at such a socially tricky time in your children's lives. What was it that made you choose to move where you did?

Totally ageee.

There's plenty of opportunity for horse riding and cycling in Lincolnshire/E. Yorks, you really don't need to go all the way to the Cotswolds!

Due to family moves, I changed school multiple times in primary and secondary. It's rubbish. Friendship groups have already been made and you have to leave your old friends behind who you've known for years and try to fit in with new ones.
The reality is friendships made when young can last for life. If they are lost now you may be resigning your children to a life without many great friends. I'd go back. You can move when they've left home.

OP you are quite unhinged to worry about grandchildren at this point!!

If you move once the kids are off to uni, they are far more likely to settle wherever their university town is, or in a city where they can get work. They won't have a family home to move back to, and will be used to your new Cotswold base by then anyway. You'll be young enough to retire somewhere while you are still healthy, and make new friends. It's a much better plan!

Is anything of what you're saying, the stereotypes you're discussing at home, playing into the kids dislikes? Focusing on people being 'posh' (god I hate that word - it's so chippy), the kids being tougher 'up north', things in football being tolerated in the north where they aren't in the Cotswolds (?????) etc etc. For what it's worth difficult ages, and too soon to decide.

You either stick it out for a year or don’t go at all and retreat back home now.

We’ve been where you are. You have to get out there. Make plans, make arrangements for your DD to meet others. Whatever it takes.

14 is a very difficult age anyway but people do it and it does work.

What does your DD enjoy? Can you get her to try some clubs? Get her to the stables every opportunity, netball, hockey etc? And if you’ve got to use some bribery, go for it.

As someone whose just moved from the Cotswolds to North Wales I can kind of see both sides. I dont have children but as adults its been a bit of a culture shock. I lived on the edge of the Cotswolds for over 30 years. Didnt fall in love with it and wouldn't have lived there if I had any choice but you go where you are told in the job. 13 year old flatly refused Burford School. Said he would go and live with his Gran! I found clothes shopping very intimidating, think Pretty Woman, And my Sheffield accent stuck out a mile! I do feel for you. But is moving back really the answer if YOU dislike it so much. You are the one who is going to be living there much longer than your children. They will be gone off to uni before you know it. Have you looked at other schools for your daughter. There are lots and she might get a great vibe from one of them. Really really think before you change your plans

You've moved for you, and not for them, which is absolutely your perogative as the adult and the payer of the bills. However, you cannot expect them to value the low crime rate and superior soup choices over proximity to their friends and continued existence in the culture they have grown up in. Perhaps in time they'll come to like it more. In the meantime, you'll have to accept that they feel how they feel.

I also think that making this choice on the basis that it's a better place to bring up grandchildren assumes rather a lot, i.e. that your children will want to stay in the Cotswolds and have partners who agree, will find employment there, will be able to secure suitable housing... a house move when your kids are 12 and 14 seems rather premature for ensuring your future grandchildren live nearby. Most young people these days move for studies, their careers or both and whilst some move back, it's definitely not everyone.

Yeah I'm wondering why hypothetical grandchildren are more important than actual children right now. Could you maybe just have every holiday in the Cotswolds if money isn't an issue as you say and then move there when the kids settle down.

I'd stick it out. It sounds like there's some reverse snobbery going on. Are the kids there being horrible and unwelcoming or are your kids assuming they are because they're 'Posh'? I'd really try to get to the bottom of that.