Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

I think stay.

It sounds like your DS has a really mature attitude to the move. He's noticing differences and feeling out of place, but also adapting and trying to fit in, and becoming more aware of social/cultural/class differences and his place within that. It sounds like he's doing really well and would benefit from praise for his new attitude to school lessons, working hard and getting involved in the football.

For your DD, maybe just let her do the horse riding and school for now. Let her take it gradually. It sounds like riding is a real strength for her - if she's finding things hard at school, then focusing on a hobby where she does well can help rebuild her confidence and be a safe base to branch out from. Again, praise for persevering and doing things that feel hard (when she does) is in order I think!

Is she Y8? I'd say that's a tricky time for making friendships as there will have been a lot of flux with children moving from primary to secondary and girls are probably feeling insecure about their place in friendship groups. From my school experience, Y7/8 are taught a lot in form groups too. As she moves into Y9/10 there will be more subject-based streaming. That mixes up the friendship groups a bit which should help her find her crowd.

I would also say it is not normal in Oxfordshire for 12yos to be out with their mates every evening. So being at home isn't really her missing out, more that this is another cultural difference between Oxfordshire and Scunthorpe.

Also - one half term is a very short time! I started a new job about 3 months ago and it's only just now that I'm starting to feel part of the team. A month ago I had a massive wobble and thought I hated it. It's a normal part of the process, it just feels harder when you're a teen and doing this for the first time.

This sounds hard OP. On paper it all sounds better and now people and their feelings are interfering with your plans! ‘‘Twas ever thus. Where is DH in this?
Really wishing you the best. Can daughter have a horse or a share in her own horse to sweeten the pill?

I think the fact that you said your children don’t like the new school “because everyone behaves” would be reason enough to stick it out! What must their old school be like?! They will change and adapt, perhaps their behaviour will improve (if it’s currently not as good as it should be), and they will find friends eventually. Get them into their sports and hobbies asap, sell your old house and buy a new one. While you still own your old house, you haven’t fully committed to the move and your teens have picked up on this and will be constantly thinking there’s a chance of going back to the rough area.

either that or do move back but put the children into decent private schools and keep close tabs on their out of school activities and friends as they get older so you spot any ‘going off the rails’ as early as possible.

@Jo20111

If your daughter is enjoying horseriding, could you look into whether her local stables will take on student "helpers" (volunteers/dogsbodies! ;) ) during the weekends? Its a great way to make friends :) My son does this and he loves it.

This is a very good idea. From what you are saying, the move has already been very positive in many ways; not least that at the new school, they are picking up the good behaviour of many of the others. The fact that they are a long way from Scunthorpe means that it makes it more difficult for them to get back there and mix with the wrong crowd. Moving is difficult and stressful for everyone and your daughter is at a very difficult age, too. There are always teething troubles with anything as major as this and you are bound to be feeling a bit wobbly yourself. I would advise not moving back. Apart from anything else, everyone else will have moved on in their own lives and your children will find that new friendship groups will have formed. Remember all the reasons that prompted the move in the first place and this will help convince you that you have done the best thing for your family.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous about the idea that the move would mean being close to hypothetical grand children. I know you mean you will move away, but so might your kids. That is even more likely if they are unhappy in your new location. What will you do of they choose to move back to your previous area and settle there? Remember your children may not have children for a long time, or at all. They may not want the level of grandparent involvement you expect.

Too late now, but why did/do you live in an area you don't like? Why didn't you move when your kids were younger and the adjustment would have been easier? What do you think the new area will offer that is enough to unsettle your kids? If your daughter never settles, would you still consider it to have been a good move?

I think you should stick it out and try and find ways to help them settle in. It’s tough moving at that age. I did it too and I really struggled for a couple of years but now I love my life and I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else.

My only word of caution is you need to stop thinking about your grandchildren. You have no say in where they are raised or if they even come about at all. That kind of fixed mindset causes friction in adulthood. Continue to do right by your children and make decisions based on what you believe is best for their future but when it comes to grandchildren you take a backseat and let them decide how and where or even if they want to do it.

Hold your nerve OP I don’t have any doubt you’ve done the right thing.

Teens start going out at 15 not 17 and I would not want to live in an area that my kids can’t go out because it’s fundamentally unsafe - they wouldn’t either they just don’t know it yet.

Of course they miss their friends but at their ages friends come and go.

Don't go back! You've put a lot of thought into this and your reasoning is sound. You can't let kids dictate on such big decisions; they are not mature enough to factor everything in. Honestly, they will settle in time and a bit of low mood and grumpiness is very normal early on. It might take a whole year for them to stop feeling homesick. Not that it will be static, you should see improvement before then, but this is a big transition and your current expectations for them are way too high.

My parents were in the services and we moved every two to three years. It taught me and my siblings to integrate quickly and how to make friends anywhere. Children shouldn't dictate where you live! It may take them a couple of terms to settle in but they'll get there in the end.

Eight weeks is nothing, you need to stick it out. You have good reasons to move and the children don’t have the life experience to realise that. It will be worth it in the end.

@Jo20111 are you taking on the advice to not go back to Scunthorpe at half term? It will not help your DC at all by reminding them of all their mates.

Also when do you move into your bigger house?

8 weeks is nothing at all, you need to move into your bigger house, to have a proper base

Quite. Northerners are all well-known to be violent lunatics.

Are there any activities you can join as a family? As money isn't an object, could you join a gym/club or a golf club and learn how to play together, or something similar? It will give you something to do as a unit of four, and it can also act as a way for you to meet other families and for your kids to establish a wider social network? Friends of ours play as a family, and it's been something that has opened up so many brilliant things, such as travel, holidays and socially, and it's really connected them as a family too.

For half term, I'd definitely hold off visiting 'home' as it will make leaving again 10 times harder for the kids who will have spent days immersing themselves in all the things they miss most.

If you want the best future opportunities for your family then do not go back to Scunthorpe. I live in the Cotswolds. I went back to visit my dad before he died and it was so hard seeing a once thriving town ( St Helens) on its knees

If you move back to Scunthope, will your DC even be able to slot back into their old life? Will there be spaces in their old schools, football team etc?

I feel for your daughter. My parents moved me from a major city to a small town near the Lakes when I was 13 and I found it extremely difficult to make friends and was pretty miserable and desperate to leave home for Uni. After Uni, I ended up back in my home city which I think says it all.

Very different scenario. If you had moved from an area with signifiant levels of deprivation and associated antisocial behaviour to a place that was more safe, better schools etc you may have felt very differently.

@Jo20111 did you go back to Scunthorpe for half term?

Yes we did, unfortunately on Friday our buyers pulled out so we’re back here for the foreseeable. House went back on the market yesterday.

Being back has proved we definitely need to move - there’s nothing to do here and the crime is so bad. But the kids are happy to have their friends back for the time being and perhaps we can either look at a slightly different area where the kids feel they fit in more or when we go back our daughter realises she has to make more of an effort to find her tribe.

I’m really missing the lovely walks, cafes and shops but I have missed my big kitchen and nice tap water (weird I know!)

Your house sale fell through so you’re back for “the foreseeable”? What nonsense is this? Another change of schools at the drop of a hat? What happens to the rental property you were in last week? If this is real you just go back to the life you left last week and hope your house sells quickly - and keep it on the market until contracts are exchanged. Your kids must have whiplash from the mind changing.

Eh? Is this some kind of fantasy thread? Your kids were in school in the Cotswolds and now you’re back in Scunthorpe? What school are they at?

It would be a massive waste of money to keep the rental and the house - two lots of council tax, two lots of water, electric, gas, insurance. We were only suppose to be in it for a few weeks. I can’t shell out to run both houses nor can we leave our large house empty as it wouldn’t be safe. I also need to unbox everything from our old house and stage it again. I also do all the viewings as we built it and I know everything about it. It could take a year or more to sell. We’re better off staying here until the eldest has finished his GCSEs (even if we sell the house and move into rented round here).

They are both in the knowledge that this move will happen at some point and both are happy with that. They’ve definitely seen that the new area is infinitely better.

It would be more sensible to sell the house first, then rent in the area while looking for a suitable purchase; or wait until you’re about to exchange to secure the rental property with a delayed completion to give you some time. That is of course if you can’t find a house to purchase which would be optimal.

You’ve already left your house empty for half a term. This will be the third change of schools your kids have had in a few months. You don’t need to stage your house again, just use the pictures from last time and price it to sell quickly. You intended to go back to your rental until Friday so nothing’s changed. This is absolutely bonkers.