Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

What is this "posh" that your children are complaining about? It's clearly not about money as you have plenty.

You could point out to your dd that it's hard to make friends with people who you disdain for being different.

I do feel sorry for the kids being moved at the ages they have been but I can see why you did it but there’s also no guarantee that they’ll stay in the area you’re in when they’re older. I’m also wondering why you didn’t pick a nicer area up north. It might have felt like less of a huge move to the kids.

8 weeks in is very early days. If the Cotswolds is your dream, you need to stick it out. I wouldn’t go back to your old area during half term and immerse yourself instead in your new area.

I'd definitely stick it out. 8 weeks is no time to make a decision, and certainly not when your daughter is in a negative frame of mind. As she settles, her mindset may change and she'll be able to see the good things. Currently she won't want to see them, even if you put a new pony under her nose.

When I was a child we moved from Thurrock in Essex to a leafy North Hampshire village with a duck pond and a village green. I missed my old house and my old friends, got teased for the way I talked, and got nicknamed the Dagenham Dustbin. It took me a while to adjust but once you embrace it, it becomes your norm. I honestly believe my life-chances would have been very different had my parents not moved the family to a much nicer area.

My 3 children spent much of their childhoods in a Thameside Village in Oxfordshire. When my middle son was 14, I had reason to return to Thurrock for the first time in decades, and took him with me. As we left at the end of the day he said to me "I can't believe Granny & Grandad made you live here"!!

Your daughter may thank you in future for the new life you enabled her to have.

Hi OP, expect we are possibly neighbours or have kids in the same or similar schools! I moved to the Cotswolds five years ago from an up and coming but still very gritty bit of south London and I have never once looked back. My DC missed London and friends for a bit but we still see the important ones sometimes and DC is very happy now in one of the (excellent) local secondaries. I say stick it out. Also in terms of getting more space, you can still get masses of space if you’re prepared to compromise on not having the Cotswolds chocolate box cottage, just saying. Those will always be pricey for absolutely tiny rooms and zero space. I went mid century and you can get a proper size house and garden for less than London prices 👍 good luck, get out and enjoy the footpaths, they are ACE ❤️

We moved from a city in the midlands to a rural town near the Cotswolds when I was in year 3 and my sister year 6, so a bit younger. I hated it at first and do sympathise with them about the accent thing. I'd have people at school mocking my "northern" accent and then my family mocking my farmer accent! It took me many, many years for this to feel like home, but it does now and looking back, I'm glad we moved. This is a much nicer place to bring up kids, although I am sad that we aren't around extended family and can't meet up regularly like we would do if we still lived in the city.
I don't think you've given it long enough yet to make a good judgement as to whether they will settle, especially as you don't have a permanent home yet.
What does your DH think?

Stay put. I went through exactly this aged 12. It took me a couple years to really find my tribe but well worth it in the long run.

Oh gosh, that is a tough age to uproot kids. They are really beginning to invest in and form true, emotional friendship by 10ish, so it is no surprise they are feeling bewildered. They are not really mature enough to see a long term picture yet, only the short term which for them is currently a bit grim.

@Jo20111 , what was the decision making process like? Were both kids fully on board? What did they enjoy when you visited before, and what were they looking forward to in the run up to the move? When you spoke to them about The Cotswolds, what was in their minds?

Those things are key. The reasons they were happy to move need to actually exist now you are there. So if it is having a horse, and a big bedroom and playing football then you need to ensure that those things happen ASAP. Otherwise their feelings about the move will sour very quickly and they’ll have to see a lot of positives just to get back to a neutral position if you see what I mean.

How many different places did you consider in the Cotswolds? I grew up there and it is very varied, from very rural/farming areas through to proper market towns with a bit more life. How did you decide on which area you are going to live?

Sorry but it seems odd to put hypothetical grandchildren before what your children want now.
Girls of that age can be absolutely brutal and you’ve said your children already stick out like a sore thumb.
I personally would go back and then move to your ideal area when the children are heading off to uni/grown up enough to be working.
We’re in a house/area that works really well for our children now, close to mates, public transport, sports clubs etc
It’s not our forever location, DH and I want to stay within the same county but move to a more rural location, where with the proceeds of our house we’d be able to buy somewhere detached.
We’re waiting until the kids head off to uni/equiv and then we will move to the location we want…. There will always be room for them if they chose to return, I wouldn’t uproot them now for my dream, but I wouldn’t not do it incase they decide to have kids etc

Yeah, that comment from your son about the kids behaving being a bad thing… that’s quite worrying. If you went back, could you at least put them in a better school? I realised that school options not don’t work out like that easy but now you’ve taken them out of school would it be easier to choose a different one? I don’t know.

What do they think of the area? It sounds as if you like it.

I don’t know anything about where you lived before, but the kids will come to appreciate a nicer area, won’t they?

I also don’t get the comment about grandchildren you have no idea what your kids are gonna do or where they’re gonna go or when or if you’re going to get grandchildren.

The fact that the children are behaving at new school but didn’t at old school speaks volumes. This makes me think the move is definitely for the best. But it is a tricky age for them both

I have made a few big moves in my life and it can take a while to settle. I think you need to give it a bare minimum of 6 to 12 months

I have similar age dc and it would be my social child’s worst nightmare. I would also love to move but will wait until school is over for my youngest. However they attend good schools. I think one issue is phones, they probably have constant contact with their old friends and feel they are missing out. I would be booking them in to try new hobbies until they find their people. 8 weeks is way to soon and don’t let them know you would cave. Posh accents doesn’t mean they are not friendly they need to learn that. I also would not rush back every holiday I would be trying to make sure they have a life where you live. It definitely won’t be easy at first.

Friendships at this age rarely last, I wouldn't move back because of them, your children will adapt- they would be doing so much easier if they were a little younger, but I would hold on, if you hate the area going back makes no sense.

Firstly forget about your retirement dreams of walking down a leafy lane to a coffee shop, that's years away yet and anything could happen in the meantime.
For now my question is why did you move so far away? For every shit hole there's usually somewhere really nice about 30mins away if you don't mind the daily drive the kids could stay at their old school and still meet up with their old friends.
X

I doubt it.

We tried to move at similar children ages. The market fell over with brexit. So then we waited for the next time. Which was covid times. We finally moved last year. My children are adults and have migrated back up north. Im gutted. 6hrs between me and my eldest. I feel such a bad parent. I wish I could have done it when they could have integrated into schools etc.

Are you saying your DS doesn't behave at school?

That’s what I was thinking. It’s pretty far.

I dont really understand the "posh" complaint. Are there issues with snobbery and bullying, or is it down to accent and hobbies? If the latter, I think it may be a useful lesson for you daughter in being more open minded and less judgemental/superficial. It sounds like your son is integrating much easier, so having a constructive family conversation on how to make a proper 'go' at it versus throwing in the towel at the first sign of discomfort, would be useful.

As you've said, quality of life, environment, academic and employment opportunities are much more favourable where you are now, I'd be very quick to overrule any suggestion of giving in just because you don't see yourselves being country club members. Speaking frankly, is there possibly some reverse snobbery youve expressed rubbing off on your daughter?

No I’d move back. Retirement is a way off- don’t ruin your kids seminal years by dragging them away from all their friends.
😢

move back. community and familiarity is more important than a posh area, especially for teens

Is it that it's posh or that the old area is shit, though? I'd be mortified that my kids didn't like a school because the kids behaved and I certainly wouldn't want them to move back to an area where misbehaving kids at school was the norm!

OP, your son is fine, it's just your daughter who is having issues. It's a really difficult age, anyway, she will get used to it. Humans are nothing but adaptable, children even more so. It's how we survive.

8 weeks is no time, plus you're in a rental with a shared bedroom which is not representative of where you will be living. I think give it a year, go through with sale, move to bigger rental so kids don't have to share. If after a year you are still not happy move back, but to a nicer area nearby. Once kids feel it is permanent they will accept it, at the moment your daughter thinks you might move back.

Your daughter needs to have certainty about where she will live.
There is still talk of moving back so she has no need to settle.
Don't go back for half term. That will mean your old house is firmly in the picture and could be a possibility to return permanently.

One could always try elocution lessons. Surely an investment if you are “very well off.”

True that Gloucester is a shithole in its own way, but I don't think that's the point. The DC want their own shithole, and the chance to hang out with the next gen Fred Wests isn't such a selling point. 😂

Are the other kids all 'old money' and you're 'new money'? Might be better off somewhere that has more new money - near ish me that would be certain parts of Essex, plenty of people who grew up poor but got rich through business. They still do the horses and outdoor life.