Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

You have uprooted your children at absolutely the worst time to do so but hey, enjoy your nice soup I guess.

Being posh is over-rated - being rich is better. I say that as somebody who changed their accent, downplayed their racial origins, moved cities, redirected questions about the schools I had gone to and adopted middle class mannerisms to fit into a profession which was traditionally very upper middle class. I thought I might have overdone it a bit when some client said I looked like the kind of woman who had grown up with a pony as a girl. I mean I wouldn't fit into that working class background now because that's not what I became. But hey nowadays it's all money and our clients can be as "common" as they like as long as they pay their bills. My children grew up thinking poor people might have just two bathrooms and, yes, they can both ride. I grew up in a working class street - now I live in very nice leafy suburb - and in a 4 bedroom house I could never have envisaged owning in my youth. Crime is practically non-existent here. Can you get a better rental in the interim? I don't believe in going back so I'd probably be sticking it out.

Of course you stick it out. A 12 & 14 year old do not get to dictate where the family lives. They will settle in.

I will add to this that as soon as I was old enough for more independence I was on a bus back to my old home town to stay with my old friends every weekend and a lot of week nights. So my parents' dreams of me making friends with 'naicer' kids and settling down into a prettier village and thriving there didn't work. The result was that I was friends with my old friends but had missed out on a lot of growing up together, so they remained close-knit (they still are!)whereas I was on the outskirts as wasn't at school with them or around all the time, while also not making friends in my new town either. So I had the worst of both worlds really. I still see those old friends on social media, and we met at a funeral some years back, and they're all fast friends still.

I have no contact at all with anyone from where we moved to. Zilch, zero. I became transient friendship wise and still pretty much am.

As your DC are older, as others have said, there's a chance that they'll grit their teeth and get through it and then make off back 'home' as soon as they're old enough.

It might be nothing like this for them, I don't know what your children's exact circumstances and personalities. But some other posters have said that they'll settle in and make friends eventually, and others have said they'll likely make off elsewhere. We don't know, but I don't think OPs view that this move will mean having potential grandchildren nearby is necessarily bound to happen.

Moves like this can change formative years, including brain development and true connections.

Ahh Cotswolds.

I am from the south - one of the most expensive postcodes in outer London. And even I can’t abide the Cotswolds. Beautiful, but really is up it’s arse.

I dont know Scunthorpe or surrounding areas but there must be nicer parts around there you can move to? Somewhere within an hour so they can keep connections with friends even if they go to a different school? Were they very settled at their previous school? Not getting into trouble? If they were I think I would move back. There's no guarantee that the first opportunity they get they move back home anyway!

@Aluna I grew up in a shit hole town and went to private school. My parents had good jobs but not rich

The main advantage is that you can afford a big house, a great private school education and multiple holidays.

If they had relocated to a more expensive part of the country, the house would be a lot smaller, no private education and no foreign holidays

I feel like OP has succumbed v much to the idea that well off successful people live there, so they should be there too. When actually you can had a great life anywhere. Life is what you make it. And if you have shit tonnes of money, as OP keeps stating that they have, you can make it pretty decent anywhere.

At the ages they are now, they already have deep friendships in place.

A half term isn't really long enough to give something a chance.

Just thinking back to when I started Uni, by the beginning of December I had some friends but it wasn't really until the Easter that those friendships had deepened and by the time I finished my course I had a solid core of friends for life.

I had friends who moved to my school in sixth form who struggled at first but by the end of the two years we as a group couldn't imagine life without them.

An "outstanding" school isn't going to be enough though. The thing that'll matter the most to them are the connections they make, the experiences they have, not the quality of teaching.

It'll be harder for your daughter if she's not found a hobby or sport through which to make friends.

East Riding is not that far from Scunthorpe and has all the Barbour jackets and Hunter wellies that OP could possibly want 😉

Stick it out! If you wait 2 years it will only be harder for the kids to move schools at more crucial times.

You talk about the area being rough, what if your kids return and fall in with the wrong crowd, or become the wrong crowd?

If their biggest concern is that the kids behave well at the new school, that would actually be a big green flag to stay for me.

These things take time and you’ve hardly given it any time at all. I certainly wouldn’t be returning to your old home for half term, that will only make the settling in process more difficult.

They are going to have to get used to it, and they will.

this area will really pay off for them in future, Scunthorpe… just won’t.

they need to have faith in your decisions and you need to be matter of fact about the situation and be clear it’s not something you’ll go back on on a whim.

You’re the adult. So you adult them and explain that they will settle, the house will get sorted and that 8weeks isn’t a long time to settle into a new area and school. They need to give it a good go. I don’t think taking them back to their old house will help them settle, it’s just giving them the opportunity to refuse to leave.

But that was your family. OP doesn’t have money worries so they can live in a nice house in a beautiful area and send their kids to a good state school.

Luton’s got posh bits.

Have you been to or lived in York? Some of it is rough as a badgers arse, it’s not the posh place people think it is. Lived here for 20yrs and came from the north west, so well aware!

It's not about the kids dictating. OP seems to want this move to be where the family will live happily ever after, with grandchildren down the line, so moving somewhere they hate seems counter-productive. They may or may not settle in, it's a gamble. Hopefully it'll pay off, but it's not a move I'd make with DC that age if it wasn't needed for work and there was no existing connection to the area.

I can't imagine moving teens to the Cotswolds. That could be my ignorance but still.

I'd have arranged for people to come to visit us rather than going back so soon. Even if they had both settled that would be difficult. My grandchildren made a big move and it took over a year for me to think the eldest felt secure and she loves school, it was a primary school move though.

Oh I know -

(That's the Lorraine Chase/Luton Airport/Campari ad if vid isn't working)

It’s true but I do get what she’s saying. I too live in a place I refuse to retire in. It’s super convenient for work commuting and has great schools so that’s where we currently are.

Cotswolds literally ticks every box except the vibe box. But that’s such a huge drawback that for me it makes it untenable. Much to my annoyance. Otherwise it would be perfect! And very close to where we currently are.

FWIW my most recent ‘retirement’ plan is to move to Norfolk. When I visited it seemed 90% of the nice things without any of the pretence. Had good vibes. Might not be great for teens though.

That’s a bit mean! Lots of people move children at those ages and works out just fine. How would you know it’s the worse time?!😂🤣😂

This, it sounds like you're moving more for the adults than the kids, which is fine if you're prepared to tell them to suck it up, but I think you have to be honest. After they leave home is a whole other phase, and you're no longer obliged to consider them so much, what about if they both move to London? I don't think you can base it on future grandchildren at the moment..they might not have any or that might be 25 years time!! People often move for retirement. What about a house move within say a 40min radius of the old school to a slightly nicer area? I travelled that long every day & back to school, it was a bit of a slog but it was worth it I guess..But I guess that would put them further from their friends still. Tricky one! If it really is just missing bad behaviour from their class (as entertainment?! Or a smoke screen for them..?), then maybe it is best to stick it out..

I think you should all stick it out. Once you've bought a house and your children have their own rooms, I think things will improve.

If we waited until they finished school they wouldn’t want to move with us and I really want to stay close to any grandchildren. I don’t feel it’s safe to bring up teens where we are and the prospects later in life aren’t great.

If your children are likely to go off to university at 18, the chances of them coming back to where they grew up aren't particularly high. I'm one of 5 sisters who grew up in a working-class Lancashire family in the 60s. Only one of us stayed in the north-west, the other 4 scattered to the south-west, Scotland and Wales. As the one who moved to Wales, our two went off to England for university and stayed there for work, one in Yorkshire, the other in London. Neither my parents or DH & I have ever had grown children or grandchildren living close by. The same is true of my parents-in-law and their 3 sons.

I would be reluctant to move children who are well established within their friendship groups, even if the school is better. You say you have plenty of money so can surely enrich their education in many ways without moving so far away.

Edited to add that your children might well not be able to afford to live in the Cotswolds in their turn. It's outrageously expensive for housing and there's little work in such a rural area. That's why it's a top retirement location.

They'll adapt to fit in, they're young. This will offer them so many future advantages as adults.