Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

I wouldn't move kids of that age unless I absolutely had to. They've made it clear how unhappy they are and you have the chance to show them you care about their wellbeing by moving home again. You can move elsewhere once they're over 18, especially as you're well off and will presumably be able to help them secure housing of their own.

Will they feel better when you buy a bigger house?

The Cotswolds has a lot of deprivation so if the dc are in state schools there is no way every dc is posh!

I would move back and see if you can get the kids back into their old school, personally. And then once they are at uni age, make the move then

I would go home until the children have left school unless doing so would make your work situation worse? You said you got lucky in business so I assume you’re self employed? If so, is it easier to work in the new location or can it be done just as well back home?

12 & 14 are awful ages to move children unless necessary (and I would consider work reasons as necessary). My DD is 15 & in Year 11. She struggled adapting to secondary school in Years 7 & 8 even without relocating.

Stick it out or move somewhere new - don't go back.

You've had double the culture shock - north to 'south' and a move along social classes. Moving without either would still be hard! 8 weeks is no time at all.

You moved for good reasons, which still hold true. The cotswolds are a particular vibe and while I love all the things that make the Cotswolds appealing, individually, I choose not to live there myself.

I think its fair to say you've picked a place that doesn't suit you. Don't move back, but start looking for somewhere that suits you all better. That way you and your children know it's not forever, that you're looking for somewhere you will all be happy. This will make the schools easier to bear and keep you all positive.

Good lord, don't stay because of fictitious grandchildren! You have no idea where your children will end up. They will find their own place in the world.
And I really don't believe there is nowhere in the north of England that has decent schools and cafes that don't serve cup-a-soup.

Regardless, 8 weeks is very soon. I would say that you'll think again in July next year. I think its good to acknowledge that moving somewhere new is hard work. You will miss people and your routines and its fine for children to voice concerns. My parents moved us all over but we were never allowed to voice our worries about it, at least you are listening.

But that doesn't mean it isn't the right place for you in the long run.

OP I'm your expert on this. 17 moves in 38 years.
I lived in a shit hole town as a teenager and moved away as soon as my DC were born. Henley then a posh market town.
People always make fun of me if the know where I was born. I hide it tbh.

Both DH and I were council house kids but I did really well in business and made a lot of money.
My school was a total dump but I managed to get to Oxford. My steam not the school's.
Both my brothers had big careers.

My daughter was at boarding school in the Cotswolds. Lots of bullies at her school. Not to do with wealth although others got that in the neck.
I found hobbies and sports have kept my DC with the same group of friends.
We moved back to be near family after our son moved out. Not into the crappy town but a village near by and I don't fit in. Tbf I never did so I don't worry about it much.

Give it a bit longer or look at somewhere like Caversham in Reading. Very mixed and lots to do. Good university and near Oxford and the Cotswolds.

I can just imagine the joy they'd feel if you told them you're moving back. I think they'd never forget your kindness in acting on and prioritising their happiness.

But can you get them back into their old school?

Can you get their old school places back even? I’d stay in the north until the youngest is in sixth form. So only 4 years. Move to a posh village nearby if you have to. It is the worst age to move - people might be nice to her but the connections will be new and shallow for a long time.

we did similar as a family and I have to say Set me back a couple of years in happiness andconfidence.i It definitely impacted my grades. It was a move for work and to a better area and house but it just didn’t work for a teen girl. I promised myself not to do it to my kids.

Agree. The kids do a restart when they go to uni anyway. What difference does it make.

In an ideal world you would have been able to make this move when they were both younger and at a less awkward age but I disagree that you only moved for yourself. It sounds like you had real concerns about their schooling and where they were growing up.

It may be that your current town is a bad fit but it's too soon, you need to give it longer.

I hope you get a sale on your old house soon so they you have more options.

I was your daughter albeit younger, after a move to a 'naice' village after growing up in a not-so-nice one.

I never recovered to be honest. I had found my feet in the old place and I was so upset about the move, I felt my parents must truly dislike me to do what they did. Of course I see their reasonings now but it didn't make any difference back then. I never really made any friends I didn't have the energy to as I became more depressed, it was a vicious circle. And am a different person to what I would've been, childhood was basically over.

Probably not what you wanted to read, but to the posters saying she needs to 'suck it up' etc, some kids just don't have it in them to do that.

I'm wondering why hypothetical grandchildren are more important than actual children right now.

That's a fair point actually. And I wonder if this move now is more likely to make them want to move back 'home' when they're older so these fantasy GC might grow up in Scunthorpe after all! Rather than the DC growing up in Scunthorpe and moving away when they're ready and much less likely to romanticise it.

There's some idealism in posts about not being chippy/stereotypical/inverse snobs and how not posh the Cotswolds kids are, but the kids are still feeling understandably out of place, posh is shorthand but we all know what they mean, and can imagine how hard such a shift must be.

A southern boy joined our secondary school class in Y8 and he never shook off the posh label and was endlessly teased for it in my northern town - not by me, but it's naive to think it doesn't go on from both sides, north and south, and there was a definite point after primary where I knew I wouldn't move my southern boys to live in my hometown as I knew they'd be eaten alive, as the OP puts it. Course some people do, but usually in less extreme spots - Ilkley is gonna be less chippy than Wigan, Bedford is gonna be less posh than the Cotswolds.

People can be very tribal, esp teenagers forging their identities, and inverse snobbery - and snobbery - can be part of the culture of these places, even when it's only as a humorous thing. There's no point acting like that's not the reality and like it should be some comfort that there are deprived kids in the Cotswolds.

I don’t think moving at 12 is a big deal, lots of dc in London move schools for yr 9.

I wonder go back to somewhere horrible

Eeek that's a big move for your children. I'm from a similarish Northern town (moved to uni and other places, and never went back except to see my parents).

I'd have Hated to move down South at that age, awful all round. I remember a girl moved to our school at around that age. She was from Essex. And spoke really funny (to us at the time). She never fitted in til she left and they moved back to Essex a few years later. It's just one of those things, that age is so difficult.

I'd go back til they've both done their A Levels. They go to uni / start work and you go to the Cotswolds! They'll appreciate it more then I am sure.

PS. Doesn't fit with my move back advice but Soho Farmhouse is fantastic. Not what you think it'll be. You'd love it. So would the kids.

Your kids are right, the Cotswolds is not friendly. Even cities in the south west are not friendly. I can't wait for mine to finish school so we can leave. I've been here over 20 years so I've given it a good go, it hasn't improved.
I would not move kids at that age, it's tricky enough as it is.

Yes, you stick it out. 8 weeks is nothing and at your children's ages, of course they'll take time to settle. You need to be prepared to give it a year at the very least. My husband moved areas at 7 and 11, and he kicked up merry hell with his parents, because he didn't want to move! He's the eldest, so both moves effected him far more than his siblings. He struggled to settle aged 11, at his new school and by his own admission it took a year to finally feel settled.

Your children are missing what's familiar to them and their friends. At their ages, they aren't going to be looking at the move through an adults view point. The crime rate is lower, schools better, more opportunities etc, as reasons for moving, are going to fall on deaf ears. They simply don't care about those reasons!

Moving schools within London, or similar towns, is very different. So is moving to another country. There's something about North to South or South to North, it's tricky at that age.

I think it depends on whereabouts you are in the Cotswolds. Are your kids going to be asking for lifts every five minutes as there is no local transport. Are they bussed to school and classmates live miles apart? This will be a huge culture shock. Perhaps there is a middle way that gives you all what you want. There are lots of lovely places near the Cotswolds that may suit you better.

I think it hasn’t been long enough for them to settle yet. If you go back now then there will probably be another reason to stay when you next consider it. I moved schools many times as a child and it was always awful at first, but always managed to find a friendship group eventually even as a very shy kid.

They don't move to an entirely different area of the country at the same time, though.

Did you mention Harrogate or Cheshire? They'd be preferable if you have to move.

There are plenty of very good areas and schools in East Yorks, with particularly good ones immediately across the Humber from Scunthorpe. Not Goole though, obvs! No need for private.

You've picked a really tricky age to move your children.