Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

Why not the Yorkshire Dales or the Peak District? They may have been a better fit...

A bit odd to think you cannot move when they 18 or that they would for sure stay there and provide grandchildren! They could go and be anywhere.
They may be waiting to go back to uni up north.
So can you be anywhere once school.is over. You certainly not forced to retire there.
It s early days. You can give it time. Get dd into something she likes .
Or go back.
Who should compromise?
You and your cupasoup?
Or your dc and their happiness and wellbeing? Can they settle down and be happy?
Who is most resilient?

@Jo20111 it sounds like you are minted, good for you. It gives you so many options.
From what you have said I am surprised you chose the Cotswolds, it's very different in every way to Scunthorpe.
Did you watch Clarkson's Farm and thought 'let's move there!'?
I probably would have gone further north and bought a mansion /castle with an estate and sent the DC to a local private school

I have a dd the same age as your eldest and we want to move. However I was moved loads as a kid due to my dad’s job , literally Glasgow to London was one move away.
horrendous , I had to start again every time we moved , we moved when I was 12/13 . Took ages to make friends , was a really really stressful awful time for me.
hence why we haven’t moved and have luckily lived in the same house since daughter was born. We will move when she goes to uni .
loads of nice villages near Scunthorpe , I lived in the Cotswolds for 12 years and I understand why you want to move there , however this is your dream not theirs.

My dh moved from an absolute shit hole (imagine the worst place in the UK) to the cotswolds where we live. It took about 2 years, he loves it now! Get them into hobbies, there are also lots of working class people in the cotswolds, you just need to find the right places, of course the accent is different but hardly anyone we know is "posh", we live near normal people (cleaners, tradespeople, shop staff - all real jobs in the cotswolds and all those people have kids at school!!) . Dh plays football - lots of tradies etc there, dd plays netball which is surprisingly tough/gritty (appreciate that sounds nuts but someone got a black eye last week). Find the locals pub, it'll be full of locals with normal jobs and normal lives. I'd advise getting a dog, lots of kids around here take their dogs for walks and mooch around.
It's really hard moving area, it takes more than 12 months. Don't buy a house yet, bank the cash when it sells, give it another year and see. They will make friends and settle, 8 weeks is nothing at all.
Honestly, if you're going to daylesford, you're not gonna meet normal people. Go to the real farm shops, where the not posh people go - they're just as good but you'll run into neighbours, kids from school etc. Don't go to tourist places, take the kids to the real places and they'll bump into the more "non posh" kids from school. The only posh people we know moved here from London etc - so tell your kids to look past accents and the fact that the kids aren't horrendously behaved, and they'll find loads of them are really normal.

Why wait so long to move? You say you dont want your kids being brought up where you currently live but they are almost brought up!! 4 years and your son will possibly be off to Uni and your daughter not far behind. Once I had children I always said Id never move them once they had started secondary school its really unfair I think and can cause huge problems such as getting in with the wrong crowd, of which there will be just as many in a 'posh' school 😆 Scunthorpe may not be the most desirable place in the world but there're plenty of lovely villages and some good schools not far away, Gainsborough Grammar, Worksop College etc.

OP I always feel out of kilter, too middle class for my family and too working class elsewhere. I’ve given up worrying about it and just adapt. Your kids miss their mates and would moan about their new classmates whatever they were like. You might have to write a pros and cons list. Class, as someone said, is relative. In 2000, I was allocated a council flat on an ok estate in an upmarket town and the anti social behaviour from neighbours was horrendous. I’m council house born and bred and it grieves me to say that I couldn’t hack it there.

This was me and my brother at a similar age. We moved 3.5 hours away and neither of us ever really settled. We felt displaced. We didn’t quite fit in down south, but when we went home, people thought we’d become too posh because our accents had changed slightly. Friendships faded and we ended up feeling like we didn’t really belong anywhere.
We both left as soon as we could. I eventually returned to my hometown, while my brother moved elsewhere, never really feeling anywhere was home. My parents also lost that central family hub they’d probably imagined having as we grew up.
I think it’s worth remembering that moving children at such a formative age can have lasting consequences. You might assume they’ll settle and build their adult lives nearby, but if they’re unhappy, they may leave at the first opportunity and you could end up travelling hours to see your grown-up family.
Personally, I’d move back and leave any relocation plans until the children are older and established. Stability and a sense of belonging at that age are worth an awful lot.

I honestly would stick it out. Your children's life choices will be so much better in the Cotswolds - and it's early days for them. They're children, you have to be the adult here.

I love the Cotswolds, my daughter and I take my grandchildren for days out at the various attractions all the time in the holidays - Westonbirt Arboretum, Noah's Ark, Slimbridge (not exactly the Cotswolds but nearby). So much beautiful scenery and a lovely vibe. But neither of us actually live there - Gloucestershire is a lovely place and there are other slightly less rarified areas to live, still with very good schools (Gloucestershire grammar school system).

Coincidentally my husband and I did look at the Cotswolds but in the end settled in the Forest of Dean which is also stunning with some lovely villages, beautiful scenery and loads of country pursuits available, it's also near the equally beautiful Wye Valley. Ironically my husband who went to a public school in Liverpool is the posh one (RP accent!) and I'm ordinary and from Hampshire! We've both been welcomed with open arms by the lovely people here and feel very fortunate. Many of the bigger houses are being snapped up now from people from other areas - only just recently an expensive house a couple of doors down has been bought by a lovely London couple.

It's so daunting for your children and I feel for them, they must feel very vulnerable at present. But it will get better. I absolutely wouldn't go back to Scunthorpe if I were you, particularly when you are wealthy. You're doing the right thing for them - however I would say as you're not committed to a house yet, have a drive around some other areas - keep an open mind - you might like what you see!

I had a move from a lovely village outside Lincoln to Grimsby for secondary, what a shock and I swiftly moved away when I could. My family are from Grimsby still with one in Healing who looked at bigger house in Scunthorpe and we thought they were mad. They saw sense and realised the nicer area was more important. I know you will understand these areas. You need to give it more time, the opportunities to have a good life in north and north east are few and far between and I am sure you and your husband realise you are privileged for the area.

I would continue with the location change ...

That's an incredibly selfish and thoughtless thing to do. If you move kids you move them before they start secondary school unless actually an emergency. Unless its happened to you , you probably have never given a thought as to how bloody awful it is to try and make friends after that age. I moved and never made another proper friend in my school days.
You could move back: they will leave home one day.
Or you apologise and stick it out but you can't just dump them in a new school at that age and expect miracles. You'd better sign them up for a ton of extra curricular stuff as well so they meet a range of different people.

I'm surprised by the loathing for the Cotswolds on here - I absolutely love it and would move there in a heartbeat.

OP, you're getting a lot of stick for this, and I'm sure you chose the new area with your children front of mind rather than a breezy 'Well, we like it, so tough tits' attitude. Were the kids in favour of the move, and if so, what were the benefits that they could see? Is it worth revisiting those as a reminder for them?

We did something similar last year. We moved our DDs to a new school - private, and very different from the one they were at - in the hope that we could vastly improve their education, their opportunities and their world view. It backfired spectacularly as they were both deeply, deeply unhappy. It was hell, honestly, so I feel like I know to a degree how you must be feeling.

My advice would be, as hard as it is, stick with it for now but mentally, tell yourself that this won't be forever and you can move back if things don't improve. However, the biggie is not to go back at half term as this will be a reminder of everything they miss and everything they want, and it'll all be rose-tinted, and it will make returning back to the new area and new school ten times harder.

I know of so many families who moved and the children hated new areas and new schools, but stuck with it and now, looking back, they credit it as the making of them, and they will know that you did this for them, to give them a better life, a better opportunity. And, while it's shitty for them right now, this will teach them resilience and remind them how strong and brave they are. If however, it's genuinely detrimental to them, you'll know and it won't be a choice.

It sounds like DS is making friends and settling in, and sport is brilliant for that. For your DD, her age makes it harder, but there will be kids like her, she just has to find them, or let them find her. I know suggesting activities fell on deaf ears with my children, but the more she does things she likes, the more likely she is to find her tribe. And, once they have a friend, or two, or ten, life will feel a thousand times easier.

Try not to make a decision too quickly based on a rocky first few weeks. Remind yourselves why you moved, and remind the kids why too, and see what you can do as a family to help them fall in love with the benefits of living where you are.

Good luck!

Id stick it out in guess but wondering why you didn't move to Ilkley/Harrogate/York or N Yorks surrounding villages. Much nicer and UP NORF too.
Some super schools (private and state too!).

I don't think you should go back to your old house for half term week as it is going to make the situation worse and your kids more resentful. You need to get involved on your new community.

You say you spent a year planning this move. Were the kids on board from the start or did they hate the move once you arrived in the Cotswolds and because you are in a smaller rented house? Did you check out the Cotswolds before you moved as it's very different as a place to live rather than a place to holiday.

My sibling lives in the Cotswolds with their family. It's a beautiful area but far too touristy and often gridlocked traffic. They enjoy their life but they have come across a lot of snobs and clique behaviour both in adults and children.

One of the tricky aspects of the 'posh' thing is conflating it with wealth and being upper class when it really means southern and not from a shithole. Don't forget, OP's family is very well-off by the sounds of it. They had a big house and land and have made a lot of money through their business, which means they're not cleaners, shop staff etc. Their kids aren't looking for offspring of those in lower income brackets any more than they're looking for the deprived kids that another PP mentioned exist in the Cotswolds. Normal is relative to what's normal for them.

It's more cultural and geographic identity, not so much economics and class. Even when I'd lived in London a long time and was earning well, there'd still be twats who'd mimic my northern accent in an 'ee by gum' way, and equally there'd be people back home who'd think I'd lost my accent and 'gone posh'. It's easy to say look past accents, but I imagine it's harder for theirs to go unnoticed. I was thinking that upthread about the PP who moved from Surrey to Liverpool - that it might've been harder to move from Liverpool to Surrey, esp as Liverpool is kind of an island of its own and one of the friendliest places on the planet. Surrey not so much. Sweeping statements ofc, but I'd stand by them.

This post makes the important point that there are lots of non-posh people in the Cotswolds. It’s not all Rivals and Soho Farmhouse whatever posters on this thread think. Fred West was from Gloucester.

But I don’t agree that they should hold off buying. They need to get their kids into a bigger place to call home asap. That will help the acclimatisation enormously.

We were overcrowded but stayed until the second child finished GCSE, by then the house prices doubled and it became even more unaffordable to buy !! Its difficult, in our case the location was great but the home was small but we made it work for as long as possible but then had to move because of our age and mortgage criteria. Honestly sometimes I wish we did move sooner because by now half our mortgage would have been paid off based on the cheaper house prices then!!

If your DD was out every night with friends in the old home I would stick with the new. Being out every night at 12 is going to cause problems at 14 and 16. Stay. Indeed, don't go back for half-term.

It’s only been 8 weeks op. And that is usually the time of the first big dip, as the initial novelty wears off and the reality sets in.

it will take at least a year to feel settled. And there will be ips and downs along the way.

think back to all the reasons why you choose the move and hang in there. You and the kids will eventually settle.

When I was 8 we moved from south wales up to Carlisle and I had a very strong Welsh accent. It was horrible as I stood out like a sore thumb. That said, I did lose it very quickly and it did take a bit to fit in, but it was a better much smaller school.
Worse was when we moved back down south when I was 11, starting the secondary school in December and it took months for me to fit in.

Sorry OP, I'm very much in the "he needs a reality check" camp.
Yes I get he's disappointed at not getting what he wanted, but the presents you bought him sound fantastic to me.
He's only 10 for goodness sake, what will he be like when he becomes a teenager?

I’d stick it out. We moved when my oldest was 14. He left friends he adored and a home town he loved. He hated it. We had awful behaviour for a year because 14 is a really difficult age when things are all ok in their world, so even worse when there’s new things. He did settle. Joined the rugby team and made some friends.

I’d say at 18 now, he never quite found his tribe like his old home town but he loves it here and wouldn’t go back to living there. He’s away to uni right now and loving it.

Db was 14 and I was 15 when we moved from Liverpool to a very posh village in Hampshire. I was actually quite keen to move despite being in year 10 but looking back it wrecked my social life. The school was full of people who went skiing and had horses and it was very relaxed as there was virtually no bad behaviour. It took a couple of years to sell our Liverpool home (1980) but I don't think I'd have wanted to go back after leaving! My dc are incredibly posh, went to private school etc. I doubt I'd have been so aspirational if we hadn't have moved. My parents chose the location due to work but if that isn't the case for you I'd probably choose a better area near your previous home.

Your kids could move overseas.

The siblings in my family are in America, Hong Kong and England. DH sister is in Spain.

The time to move in case you get grandchildren etc is when your own children have moved as adults but even then they may move again, just as you have done.

You will forever be the Northerner, I am the Southerner in my little mill town and will forever be known as that. I have lived here for 25 years and have a lot of friends but there is still a bit of piss taking.

My MIL with a cut glass RP accent would still look down her nose at your flat vowels regardless of how much money you have, not saying I approve.