Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

They'll get used to it, and your DD will make new friends. I moved from a very posh all girls academic school in Surrey to a co-ed grammar just north of Liverpool. Culture shock wasn't in it! I was 13. I settled in after about a term, and still have friends from then almost 50 years later.

Sorry for others here who had bad experiences moving. I did too, we moved almost every year (though I managed to cling on to a few friendships somehow so I do have a friend from when I was 11).

I know that's different from moving once, but as pp have said, it can cause a rupture that doesn't heal. promised I'd never move my dc unless the sky was falling in, and I haven't.

We moved (actually to a less good area though more beautiful) when the kids were 9 and 7. It is tremendously hard for children to adjust - the problem is that every time something goes wrong they look back and say “this wouldn’t have happened where were used to live.” Based on that I would not move older children. Mine have both moderated their well-spoken accents to more of the local one and it took one of them more than four years to get a new group of friends (they are kids in town that we don’t know.) She had a great set of friends where we used to live and I feel bad that she’s had such a bad time. Your 14 yo doesn’t have four years.

I think you need to think very carefully about the advantages you hope to gain and whether this is about you or the kids. Try and weigh this up objectively with your husband, maybe make a list.

If it’s about your jobs or there’s a real need to move, that’s different, otherwise I’d chalk this down as a failed experiment if your kids are really that unhappy and isolated.

You could always move here in 10 years when they’re grown and flown.

If you decide to stay, can you get a pet you wouldn’t have at home and make sure you’re going out having a really good time as a family and really making the most of the new area to try and make it up to them.

My homesickness has come five years later, mainly due to these realities and the fact that I haven’t got good friends in the new place and my old friendships are now fading because I can’t see them that often.

@MerryAquaKoalasome do as in they move to London or leave London. You still have people who move school & to other parts of London (which can be quite different to each other) and do not know anyone and you can have dc that go to rough primaries but end up in an elite private secondary. Feeling like a fish out of water isn’t that unusual.

My cousin moved from Liverpool to the south when his kids were young secondary age (for jobs). They settled and did well but it wasn't quite the culture shock that yours are having as they were from one of the posher bits of Liverpool and they moved to one of the less posh bits of the south, though still quite nice in my view (DH likes it less than I do).

Have you looked at Lincoln OP. I wonder if a city would be a decent halfway house and you'd still have the countryside, Or Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk. Both have a York-vibe and aren't snobby (not that I think York is either, but it's expensive and has too many tourists!) Or, if you want to stick with the south, Hampshire, which has good schools. And if you want to stay in your current general area, Worcester?

I agree 8 weeks isn't long though, you need to give it a year, or until your son has finished his GCSEs.

I'm from Scotland and a nice part but i don't think I could stomach the Cotswolds. I do however agree that it's good to move your children at their age to a more aspirational school/community. I went to a rough school and did fine (good university) but could have done a lot better if i was surrounded by others who behaved well and were interested and had hopes for their future.

But I agree that London is more transient & more welcoming to newcomers.

Yes of course. This is really about a North South divide I'm afraid.

Is it? I think people from the rougher parts of Kent or Hampshire might struggle in the Cotswolds, just as someone from York might struggle in Wigan!

Totally. Outside of the North, I've found London to be the most friendly and welcoming place. Much more so than other Southern towns. By far.

And not like anyone moves countries and joins a new school!

Are you near your family in your old house OP

If you aren't happy, miss your old home and the kids haven't settled, I'd move back.

What about Prestbury, Mobberley, or around there? Closer to Scunthorpe, but affluent and aspirational.

Surely it’s because some places are very insular, I don’t think I would fit in much in the Cotswolds!

I’d go back. You can’t be messing with your ds’s education. He’s year 10. And your dd isn’t happy. This wasn’t a good time to move. Most schools start science in year 9. Pay for private tuition to get your dc’s grades up. If you really don’t want to do private.

However, I don’t see why you say they wouldn’t fit in at private school in Scunthorpe. I bet they’d fit in a lot better than where you are now. I moved my dd from state to private in year 9 and she’s a completely different person. She arrived looking like a scruff bag, with her skirt up to her bum and a very different attitude from the one now. She completely changed, refined herself, created a whole new self at private. She chose the school. And she chose well. Max 45 intake per year, so quite small and welcoming in a small market town with lots of farming kids. And the kids still got to mess around a bit in class, just it was more jovial. And the teachers always had control. There are posh, posh private schools and ones, where your dc will feel more at home as my dd did. Dd didn’t want to go to the bigger, posher one. Her choice btw.

And do the posh hobbies locally. There must be a decent riding stables within half an hour’s drive from your house and so forth. Scaffold them from Scunthorpe so to speak.

Do not go back to Scunthorpe OP. Stick it out and within a year and you’re in your new place things will look very different. Change is hard sometimes but it doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing. Once DD is over the culture shock she will adapt quickly enough. If you go back your kids may never get out.

There are plenty of people in the Cotswolds who are not posh. At a state school they will find PLUs.

Someone from York wouldn't struggle in Wigan. Practically the same.. Might get the piss taken for being a Yorkshire twat but that's all. I expect the Cotswolds aren't particularly welcoming to anyone from outside really.

I'm not sure why you're so shocked?? Scunthorpe Vs Cotswolds is indeed quite a leap. Teenage years too?

We purposely didn’t move from the same house until our youngest went to University ie empty nest. We lived there over 20 years.
The main reason was we didn’t want to unsettle our kids, We.had a largish house in a pretty decent area.with fairly good schools - nothing outstanding. We could have moved years earlier to a ‘better’ area with ‘better’ schools but we made a choice not to. Our kids had lots of friends, there was always lots to do leisure wise and family was nearby.
They got excellent qualifications and jobs so I don’t believe they missed out on anything.
My parents moved house when I was in primary school and it made me very miserable for quite a time and it had a huge effect on me and my confidence. I didn’t want my kids to experience the same.
My H never moved house btw so he was happy to stay too.

Scunthorpe is a shithole, and what’s the point for paying for private school when you can access good state schools with well behaved kids in the Cotswolds? That’s as good as private school.

As a someone who moved loads as a child, not just in the UK but overseas I say stick with it. Us children didn't even speak the language overseas! They will adapt, make new friends - it just takes time. Perhaps see if you can throw a Xmas party in a village hall or something for the kids? Living in a better area will help them in the long run I suspect.

Best of luck, sounds like everything else has improved or at least a better balance.

Exactly. At least everyone speaks English.

I made a similar move, like Burnley to Beaconsfield. I have a northern accent and all the locals down here think I'm edgy 😂

I would strongly advise not going back up north for a while. Your DC will probably not see the benefits of this move for a long time - maybe years.
I loved growing up in the north (the friendliness and chat), but the levels of deprivation in some areas is just not a nice environment to grow up in. I was lucky, I went to a good private school but still had local friends at clubs.

I would definitely look at clubs and private schools, not all private schools are posh.

How long before you get into a bigger house? Can you get your DC excited by letting them design their rooms?

What are their interests? You need to go into hyper drive to facilitate all the social interactions

Their accents will probably mellow a lot in the next year or so, so they won't stick out as much

Definitely stick it out! That age is already a tricky one. Happened to me as a teen from. Grammar school north London to Berkshire. Dad’s job moved. Ended up in a big house on a posh road. Hated it at first, but I hated everything at 13 😂🤣
Then you settle down and make friends and had the best education and friendships.

Your son is already finding his feet. She’ll be fine once she finds her gals and she will!

Enjoy your new life! So exciting.