Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

You sound controlling.

Hope my post doesn’t upset you but maybe you need to look at the real reason why you are upset ? . Is it because he has gone off with his girlfriend and you perceive him as having fun ? . It’s upsetting sometimes when exes move on and they are getting on with their lives especially if it’s very soon after a break up . If I am wrong my apologies but I read your post and thought there is something deeper that’s upsetting you as it doesn’t really sound like he has done anything wrong . What he does with his children when it’s his time it’s up to him as long as the children are looked after well and loved and there is no safeguarding issues all good . However if there are safeguarding concerns then you have every right to be worried or upset .

My dad is an alcoholic and I wouldn’t leave him my kids alone with just him, but I would leave them with my mum if he was around as he’s not aggressive or violent or dangerous in anyway and my mum is very capable of managing the kids alone. Is your kids Grandad mean or dangerous, or just useless when drunk?

I know their gran can’t drive, but lots of people can’t drive and manage fine in emergencies (call a taxi, ambulance etc). Are you worried she would let him drive the kids somewhere while drunk? Or put them at risk? If you are, then you have every right to object to the kids being there.

It sounds like it’s worth a conversation with your ex about your concerns, and also about how your kids feel about being there.

You are absolutely right to be concerned OP. You want your children to feel safe and loved and you recognise that this won't be what they experience when they're with their grandparents.

Ignore the gas-lighting from other posters. In the same boat, they'd also be beside themselves. No one wants their kids to feel rejected and unlovable by a shouty alcoholic. Of course you are right to bring it up with your ex.

I would consider going to social services or mentioning it to your ex if he continues this pattern of using them as childcare. he should also have informed you as you have a right to know where they are staying, and he should have offered you the chance to have them back.

If you wrote it like that to him he’ll be defensive and not work with you

you could get AI to help you draft a ‘right of first refusal’ principle that you ask him to agree to. But do you really want him bothering you for the odd night during his weeks, the kids knowing that he asked you and you turned down seeing them (if you had plans) or would you rather be just sort out safe enough childcare himself? It’s lose lose each way. I know he should plan gf holiday on his child free time but it’s only one day out, maybe they couldn’t find flights etc

Oh I’ve just seen that they are abusive. I would then mediate and even take it to court and say that they absolutely cannot be left in their care unsupervised- prohibited steps order.

Your original post was very clear OP. You were very clear that 50% is very little, and that you'd hope your ex would want to spend the measly time he gets with them, actually with them.

It was also very clear why you mentioned taht granny doesn't drive, in the context of grandad being over the limit.

I don't know why I'm saying this, I'm just frustrated on your behalf.

Also, YANBU, in the context you've given of shouty grandparents.

Surely I can’t be the only sane person in the world who wouldn’t want their children left with a shouty alcoholic?

So they're not the ideal grandparents, but few people are ideal. It's still worthwhile them having a relationship with them, including the odd sleepover. You can't expect to eliminate every source of discomfort from your children's lives.

I don’t think extended family are entitled to anything. Seeing grandchildren is a privilege not a right and if the children don’t like them they shouldn’t be made to go.

There are some positive here, that don't happen in other co parenting situations

He has sorted out the childcare on his watch, by himself and not defaulted to you

You may have been busy, had plans etc and its his watch, he has sorted his babysitting and taken that responsibility on

So may co parents don't sort it out themselves and resort to the other parents, then the other parent has plans, cancels their plans etc

so I can see that side of it

Sometimes for a night going to spend it with grandparents is just going to happen, maybe your dc don't really want to be there, but it not going to hurt them. What it might do is make them appreciate when they are with the people they like being with

As long as you are around as emergency parent contact, that maybe would have been wise from your ex

Measly 50%? Are you for real? Do you regard your 50% as measly too? You sound very bitter.

so can the ex stop ops extended family having contact then?

I feel for you, I would not like this either. I feel like in this situation it wouldn't of taken much to let you know the plan. Also if you know the kids don't like it there, then he certainly does too so why would he want them to stay if they are uncomfortable.
I'm with my kids father, but like you if we broke up I do not have anyone that our children could stay with on my side of the family so maybe I just can't relate, but it seems a bit shitty to me.

I’m with you 100% OP.

My MIL was an alcoholic and my FIL was useless (would drive when he could only see 2 feet in front of him and other stupid things). When DH and I split up for a bit he had our eldest, who was 3, at his parents overnight.

While DH had a lay in MIL & FIL let their 9yr old granddaughter take my son to the hospital around the corner to visit people.
Any people, anyone they could find as “it might be nice”.They wandered alone across the car park and in to the hospital which was full of people who were mentally unstable.

My MIL died when my kids were young so they remained safe.

Measly 50%? Is that not what you have, too?

Perhaps it should have been phrased as "both parents have the right to foster a relationship between their children and their extended family". If the dad didn't want his kids seeing his parents, he's every right to stop them from seeing them. But if he does want to foster that relationship, (and that would be a perfectly normal thing to do, even if his parents are very flawed), he equally has every right to do that (unless there are real safeguarding concerns, and having a drink while there's another sober adult in the house would not count).

It might be worth sending him a message/chatting when he returns and saying you'd rather have the kids an extra day, but it's also true that he didn't do anything wrong. Might be worth mentioning it as an option depending if you get on ok to arrange these things.

I don't think any harm will come to your children from this, but more likely they will hate going to their grandparents in the future and this option will go off the table once they can choose for themselves. One of my children got shouted at by a grandparent when they were little and it's taken about a decade for them to move on from it and have contact with them again of their own accord.