Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

Yeah, you're being unreasonable, OP. One night with grandparents is fine. Are they really so bad? It's generally good for children to spend time with GPs, unless they're abusive. I had one rather harsh grandmother - not abusive, but not soft. Very school-marmish and it was easy to inadvertently do something wrong and get a right telling-off. I'm still glad I spent time with her, because all these decades later, I'm glad I knew her. It's a big part of where you come from and who you are.

If it had been the whole week, that would be different. But one night I wouldn't have mentioned anything. Although I do empathise as I know my children would hate to stay at grandparents too, not because they're horrible people, they just wouldn't like it.

Maybe you need to be honest with yourself about why you're upset? I mean that in a kind way x

Edited as I just saw your follow up comments about the grandparents. Would it be worth speaking to ex about them - I would say surely he agrees with you but the fact he's left them with his parents makes me think otherwise! I do agree I'd rather be first point of call if they were the alternatives!

Im with you in solidarity op !!!!! Id be royally pissed off in your shoes. But at least youve been told . My ex husband is currently out of the country and didn't tell me. We have disabled children who attend regular hospital appointment. 99.9 % of everything always falls down to me. I only found out he'd yet again for the 4th time this year left the country when I called him in an emergency and a child needed a&e and I got an international dial tone.

YANBU. He clearly didnt ask you as if you have extra nights then he wont be doing 50/50 and will I assume have to pay maintenance.
So I don't think youre being unreasonable as you know your kids don't like it there and one of the GPs has a drinking problem!
How old are the kids? Can you just go pick them up if they arent happy at GPs?

Me and my ex are quite rigid about the days we have DS. He has DS every Friday night (seems him during the week also but not overnight). This is the only night I have free, so I plan anything with friends for Friday's and friends and family etc make plans around my availability on Friday's. At the beginning he kept changing, saying he had plans, could he drop DS home Friday evening and pick him up Saturday to stay over. But often I had plans. So we are now rigid. If for any reason he needs someone to watch DS Friday night or Saturday morning he arranges with his parents or sister. If I ever need someone to watch DS on my days I ask my dad or ex's parents, my friend etc. This helps us both long term and because neither of us are constantly rearranging things when emergencies happens, e.g. when I was ill, or his dad had a stroke, he had surgery we were both willing to cancel plans to care for DS.
I Don't think what he did was unreasonable. It's his time he covered it with his parents not a stranger.
My only issue would be mean grandparents? What does that mean? My son would loves his nan (ex's mum) they are best friends, often watch him in school holidays, pick him up from school if I am stuck in traffic etc.

No you dont have a right to ask this. You have a right to organise your own child care when they are with you, as does he.

Hey OP, I think you e had a really rough time on here!
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- in your situation I’d feel exactly the same.
how do you think your co-parent would take the “first refusal” suggestion? I’m thinking if you don’t pitch it as you hate his parents but more from you think the kids would prefer it. How would he take that?

That sort of arrangement is so damaging to the children I wish courts did not push this .
How old are the kids ? Do you speak with them ? If they want to go home I would pick them up . And Joe selfish is he ? Has he gone abroad with the kids too or does he make holidays just a priority for himself ?

You sound like my ex.

The thing is you would be moaning if he had dropped them back to you. It’s one night.

If as you suspect the children are unhappy make a record of what they said happened and why they were unhappy. in a note/diary when they come home -make sure you send a message confirming the situation to him and state that the children would have preferred to come home to you in these circumstances and that he should have consulted you. This has the benefit of you being able to refer to it at a later date. The extended family have no ‘entitlement’ whatsoever in law unless there’s an order. The idea that it’s ’his’ time so he can share it amongst extended family is also completely wrong.
On balance it is one night so you might want to keep your powder dry for now. If he does this again you have a stronger argument to oppose it if you have evidence and a dialogue about this that you can refer to. In law if the kids want to come home to you right now that’s reasonable as well, if they say so and are of an age to do so and are able to make their way home they can as their grandparents have no legal status over them. The most persuasive argument against it happening again is the children’s response. The contact is not for the benefit of the parent but for the children and so will change as they age and mature it’s important to listen to why they don’t want to be at their grandparents as you don’t know what is happening when they are there. I’d think you need to gently find out without making it into something they will be worrying about if it does happen again. It’s a long game really but it is not unreasonable for you to know where your children will be sleeping when they are away from you. It’s poor behaviour from him. Don’t be angry but challenge it to stop him doing it again.

yeah you shouldn’t say anything unless you think there is a safeguarding risk.

Sorry op unless a back story a sleepover at grandparents sounds amazing

I think you could have approached in a slightly different way. Eg just so you know I’d always be willing to adjust days if you are struggling for childcare so please don’t be worried about asking.

In principle staying with grandparents shouldn’t be a problem but they are clearly not ideal caregivers.

First of all I thought you were being unreasonable BUT then you explained about the alcohol addiction and their behaviour with your 7 year old.

I wouldn’t be happy either 💐

What a stupid response! So grandparents aren’t allowed to spend 1 day and night with their grandchildren as that is a sign of them being shipped off? The dad left them there for 1 day! Children are entitled to have a relationship with their parents extended family with that parents permission which is what happened here. How does that make them a possession? You sound pretty bitter… the type who uses their child as a weapon to get back at their ex.

Because the Grandfather has a drink problem, she can't drive so it's likely he would.

"A relationship with gp can be very beneficial, especially if they are mean. They will love you all the more, when they come back."

Just to go totally off-topic, I can really relate to this.

My mum told me that, when she was young, she and her brother were treated really badly by her maternal grandmother. She could never understand why.

Then, a few years ago, I started tracing our family tree. It turned out that the person she thought was her grandmother was actually her step-grandmother (her real maternal grandmother had died when her mother was aged six and her grandfather then remarried).

When I spoke to her about this it came as a complete shock to her but she did say that it explained why her own mother (my grandmother) had confided in her that the step grandmother had treated the children of the grandfather's original marriage very badly indeed and prioritised her own children from a previous marriage and the children that she had with the grandfather.

I know that this post raises all the typical tropes concerning stepmothers, but in the case of my grandmother's stepmother and how she treated her step children and step grandchildren, this is literally true.

Jeez, if you're that bothered - don't let him have them at all.
(Inconvenient as that might be).

I get it and whilst I understand that you are hurt and it is worth raising that you would have been open to adjusting the timetable had you know that he was leaving a day earlier but I think you would be unreasonable to make a big thing about it.

I didn't like my paternal grandparents as a child. I understood them better as an adult. My nan was a hard woman to love and I didn't really know my grandfather. They lived separate lives within the same house and he had no interest in any of the grandchildren even to the point of not knowing our names. My nan smoked like a chimney, on more than on occasions I witness her smoke 20 cigarettes before I had finished my breakfast. My grandad went to the pub every day for 3 pints, more on a weekend. He would be probably classed as having a drink problem in modern life. They were fine, they weren't loving and nurturing like my parents or my other grandparents but actually some of my fondest memories of them are the ad-hoc days/nights they had us without parents around. They seemed to step up on those days.

On the driving front, where there's a will there's a way. I have a clumsy family and we have managed to get to A&E multiple times without a driver in the house - taxi, friendly neighbour, ambulance, walked, other relative.

I would wish him a happy holiday but also let him know that you would prefer to have been told about the change by him and would have been happy to pick them up earlier - maybe suggest that after having had the day with grandparents you could have got the for the night?

These situations are messy and non-binary. It's less reasonable/ unreasonable but lot more nuanced from that. It wasn't unreasonable for him to make the arrangements but also it's not unreasonable for you to have wanted them in preference to the grandparents. Also, see what the children have to say afterwards

No you have misinterpreted what the op said. She is saying that she doesn’t think 50% enough and given that is all he gets she thinks that he would want to make the most of it all and save going on holiday to a time he doesn’t have kids. Nothing she has said implies she wants them less, in fact she is saying the opposite

This is exactly why im not divorcing my husband right now. Because his grizzly mother and grizzly sister would get their filthy lying paws into them and there wouldn’t be a damned thing I could do to protect them. DH would leave them on “his time” and his awful mother would spin her poison and lies into them along with his disgusting sister. Nope, no thank you, I’ll stay married so that none of that bullshit can happen, might find a hobby to make it a bit more bearable in the meantime….. but nah, over my dead body.

I knew exactly what you meant when you said he was a heavy drinker and she didn’t drive. I’m sure people on here love to pretend to be think and make OP’s point out the obvious!

I think a boundary needs to be put in place with your ex, could you ask him to state to his dad that he is not to drive children anywhere? Or that children aren’t allowed over nights there? If grandfather is abusive to son with ADHD and he doesn’t like going there could you discuss this with ex & say that your son doesn’t like going there and that he doesn’t want to be there without dad supervising and standing up for him?

I wouldn’t want my children around an alcoholic at all, but I’m not sure what uou can do regarding this?

However I know some parents don’t mind who has their kids as long as they get time off!

The courts would say to go with what the child wants.

Yabtu it's 1 night. The kids surely spend time with their grandparents? My dd is always sleeping at her nans house.

Edit as I saw updates. My son is very hyper and my dad finds him hard work and will sometimes tell him to shut up or be quiet. Sometimes kids do need to be told off for thier behaviour. My brother had adhd so my dad's seen it all before but as you get older you do have less patience. I'd cut him slack for finding the behaviour irritating as I do myself half the time! Anyway the kids will be fine for one night, there is another responsible adult there. As pp have said loads of ppl don't drive, in an emergency they call 999 like everyone else. Your kids will soon be back with you.