Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

Totally get you don’t want your kids left with an alcoholic - or a shouty person

yes he could have gone a day later but equally kids can see gp and if he said to you to have then back a day earlier /he can’t have them /you sort out childcare etc - that would also be annoying

I cannot believe you reported me. What did I say that so offended you?

The other grandparent who does drive is a heavy drinker, so it is an issue.

What a terrible idea that is. Trying to put childten in the middle and involve them in adult matters. OP, please don't listen to this nonsense.

Some times children have to do things they don’t particularly find enjoyable, or find boring ( and that can be spending time with older relatives). It’s a good lesson in life and it is only for one night.

I would consider social services over children being left in the care of an alcoholic, grandparent or not (I'm not sure how much they'd actually care, but this is completely unacceptable in my view).

Either they’re a risk to your kids or they’re not? If they were a risk to my kids then I’d go and get them. If they weren’t, then it sounds a bit like nit picking.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

You could look at agreeing to a right of first refusal

What a stupid comment. Entitled? Extended family have no legal rights in relation to the children at all. It’s just nasty of him to take the children away from their mother and outsource them to other people. They’re not possessions to be shared around. They’re children who would undoubtedly prefer to be with their Mum instead of shipped off to extended family. The ex could have gone away with his girlfriend in the week they are with their mother anyway.

I’m with you. He should have let you have your children if he didn’t want to spend time with them during “his week”. He could easily have gone away with his girlfriend in the time the children are with you.

Honestly, I think he's been responsible here by ensuring adequate childcare. I appreciate you don't like it, and would prefer to have them yourself but if you revert to "if you go away I'll have them" then you open yourself up to him just dropping them on you constantly. I have a friend with this arrangement and it's a nightmare, she'll book to have her hair done or see friends and then a week out he will decide he's away that weekend or needs her to pick the kids up. I know it's tough because you'd happily spend more time with them, but it's much better to have consistent boundaries and understanding where the kids are and when. Then you can both organise things around that and the children know what's going on.

I totally agree, it's shit that he booked the holiday at all during his time with them, but it's his decision. Sadly you can't police how he works it, and at least he has found suitable childcare (even if it's not to your taste). If you genuinely believe they're dangerous that's another thing, but it sounds more that you're just not a fan of them.

I have the same 2/2/3 arrangement have done for 8 years. We also have the always check with the other parent to see if they can cover first. I’d just look at it as it’s the first time it’s come up but it would be great if going forward the default is the other parent. When you’re not available though you will have to accept that it’s his time so he can make other arrangements.

Yes he is probably waiting to get a rise out of you? Like others have said it is only one night and he hasn’t left them with people they don’t know, my ex used to have his “irregular” time with our kids and would often leave them with my mum, which the kids were happy with. Do you ask other family members to babysit? All he has done is annoyed you, maybe you should find things to do with your child free time so your not overly wondering what they are doing when they aren’t with you?

OP I get you.
Maybe if you ever find this has happened again a quick message to the ex in-laws to say ‘hi, I heard x and y were with you, hope everything is ok I’m around if you need anything or if they are being difficult and you want me to pick them up’. Bright and breezy but you are giving them an opt out if it all becomes too much.

How can 50% be measly? You are looking for a fight

I agree if they don't want to stay with their grandparents then they shouldn't have to when mum is happy to have them.

Lots of people don't drive or don't have cars. And some parents who drive will drink alcohol in their own homes whilst parenting. There are minicabs and taxis for times when there aren't buses and trains. So emergencies that aren't 999 ones will be ok / can be managed.

If you got on with them you could say to them you're happy to help if they have some kind of intermediate emergency not needing a 999 response but needing some help.

Providing the alcoholic grandfather isn't drink driving, which is an obvious risk, they will be ok from the physical safety perspective. If you really think he does drink drive that's something to report to the DVLA.

Hi op is it possible to get the kids from gp? It is shit that he’s done this to his kids just another selfish bloke on here. I think if you tell him that 50/50 is for the kids sake but if he doesn’t want them or is going away he needs to bring them home they shouldn’t be around an alcoholic or with people who are going to shout at them when they have a loving mum at home waiting for them. So many shitty men on here. He really could have done his holiday on his free time or asked to swap but he should know better not to just dump them at grandparents.

Maybe this should have been discussed between you in advance?

Measly 50%?? What would you propose he does?
Do you not want your own kids at least 50%?!

It‘s none of your business what he does with his time when he has them and I think any judge would look favourably on your children maintaining a bond with their paternal grandparents. Sadly it sounds like you’ll put words into their mouths with your negative view of things - children can pick up on these things. Try and be supportive of your kids‘ relationship with their Dad and focus on creating lovely memories with them when you next have them - rather than poisoning their short childhood with your bitterness.

I don't think he's done anything wrong as such as it's just one night and sometimes holidays are difficult to time exactly right. He could have given you the option to have them at that time - does he accept there are issues with his dp?

However I understand you'd prefer they didn't stay with gp. My dad has a drinking problem, I think, and even having him stay is hard enough as I'd rather my kids didn't see that side of him where he can be emotional / shouty / upset. He doesn't look after the kids, they would never stay with him, so that's not an issue - but yeah I wouldn't agree to the kids staying there without me. Does his mum deal well with him and the kids - does she protect them from his behavious?

Just out of interest,why is ' his 50% ' measly, but yours, presumably isn't ?

Usually on Mumsnet, it's mums complaining that their ex is wanting to dump their childcare on to them. This ex has arranged his own childcare.

Seems like he miscalculated the dates and was a day out with his holiday plans, so asked his parents to have them. That's exactly what I'd have done in his place.

Extended family are not "entitled" to spend time with DC.

An ambulance?