Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

Counselling/couples therapy
Her alone. You alone. Then together.

Therapy. And fast!

Well if one party doesn’t want another child that is really the end of it. She’ll just need to get over it, or not, and if not find someone else to have another child with. I suppose you fundamentally need to think about do you actually want to stay together or split up

No way on the planet is this a good idea a baby ia not an accessory

You need to sit down with her and have a calm, honest conversation. You could even sit with a pro-cons list, and talk through every scenario (get a flip chart!). You might want to talk about getting a new house for this theoretical child, the toll on your finances, extra hours work for you, less support for her and her unwillingness to go to counselling for the problems you face at the moment.

Sounds like she just wants to get out of having to work, and if you have another baby it will only be a matter of time before she finds another excuse not to have a job.

That’s a pretty big assumption to make.

Get a vasectomy and fast.

I’m so sorry to read this as it’s a dilemma I’ve heard from my husband’s friends before. Wife doesn’t carry much financial responsibility and wants to add more burden to that side of things.
I really struggle to understand these women because I think it’s irresponsible and personally couldn’t have thought of anything worse than having three small children, but I think you are probably dealing with an overwhelming maternal urge that is not responding to reason. Women sometimes seem to think that adding a baby into the mix will add a buffer into the marriage when actually it makes things worse.
You won’t get anywhere by shouting and getting frustrated. I think I would take the tack of being very understanding and kind and saying “we’re a team and how will this affect our current children?” How will it make their lives better? Older children need a lot of support and attention - and how will we be able to give them that if there’s a younger child in the mix? How is it fair that they have to share a room to accommodate the new child?
Holidays, cars, family tickets and restaurant bookings are all for four, adding a fifth always makes it more expensive

Make it all about what is good for the children and the family longer term. You can also mention the financial stress as part of this but she may not be being very rational.

Your trump card after many discussions is that you really don’t want this and can’t guarantee how long you’ll last in this arrangement, but don’t pull that until you really need to.

And wear a condom - my husband’s friend’s wife pulled that one and he wasn’t happy about it. All worked out in the end but they’re a strong marriage with a lot of money and they already had a 5-bed house.. He still complains about how much more logistically difficult and expensive 3 kids is. Now it’s 3 lots of uni rent and fees, it’s crippling…

I’d be very on the ball re: contraception if I were you.

Don’t have a baby and take responsibility for contraception. Having another baby won’t stop arguments

Your marriage isn’t stable, there are financial concerns - why would anyone think it’s a good idea to bring another child into this?

This. Maybe if you work through the issues in your marriage a third baby might not seem so bad, or your wife will come round to sticking with 2, or you’ll realise that neither of you can compromise on this and the marriage will end.

I recall that after always wanting two children I ended up wanting a third. So I can understand her desire. DH checked with the two girls and we ended up with a cat instead 😊.

You cannot always get everything you want in life. I now have two beautiful grandchildren who fill my life with joy.

Agree with PP. Take contraception very seriously. Try to keep calm and reiterate your reasons for wanting to stop at two. Personally I'm cynical about having more than two if you don't have a lot of family support or money to help with managing everyone's needs.

A wife that doesn’t carry as much financial responsibility may be carrying the vast majority of the childcare/household responsibility. Lots of industries aren’t well set up for women to be able to maintain their jobs and parent young children. Maternity leaves stagnate pay and progression. The OP and his wife may have at some point made a joint conscious decision for OP to be the sole earner.

You are right that they should be a team and need to approach this as such.

Get a vasectomy. Decide if you want to divorce or keep your kids in the turbulent environment.

If your life is unbearable your kids will be deeply affected

I think you need to tell her that a third child is absolutely off the cards while your marriage is in such a rocky state and that you both need to address this.

But it is important that this does not come across as you agreeing to a third child if she agrees to the counselling. That needs to be clear from the start.

Be very careful that she doesn't deliberately get pregnant, especially if she isn't open to communicating with you.

Ideally, I think you need to suggest sitting down and talking openly about the practical implications of another child and expressing why you don't feel it's wise. If communication is difficult suggest relationship counselling. If she isn't open to any discussion with you or counselling then I would reconsider your marriage. Another baby isn't going to fix anything or provide a means of distraction from your marriage even if your wife thinks it will.

You're in control of your own fertility. If you don't want anymore children, have a vasectomy.

No one should have children they don't want. But if an accidental pregnancy happens, only the pregnant person has a decision on whether to keep the pregnancy or not. So you need to take control for yourself if you genuinely don't want more children.

You should get a vasectomy or refuse sex or keep your supply of condoms in a place she can't get at them.

You need to get a vasectomy imho! Kids are very expensive and a lot of work. Yes they can bring joy but if you have no money it’s a tough life. I would’ve making sure she couldn’t trick me.

Jesus… because being pregnant and caring for a baby is so much easier than working :s. What a misogynistic assumption.

I have a friend who was once in this position. Her husband wanted one child. She wanted a second child. Eventually they split up over it. He married again, to a woman who didn't want children. She never met anyone else so still only has one child but she is now financially much worse off. She should have accepted his decision because the alternative hasn't worked out for her.

That very much depends on the contraception method