Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

Agree 1000%. Work can be incredibly hard sometimes but even on the most shit days I can use the toilet alone and drink a coffee quietly at my desk. Nobody in my office clings to my leg screaming.

I think anyone suggesting a THIRD baby, thrown in with juggling two existing very small kids, will be easier than a job is barking 😂

As is always the case when one partner wants another child and the other doesn't, you have to communicate very clearly that it's not happening and then this is either a deal breaker or it isn't.

In your shoes I'd strongly consider vasectomy, and again be open about that.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation in that I’ve always wanted 3 children, I’m a SAHM, DH works full time, he earns enough for us to live comfortably but certainly not well off. My kids are 5&3 eldest ds has ASD and is struggling in mainstream education, he’s currently on a reduced timetable while we battle to get him into a specialist provision. It wouldn’t be practical for me to go back to work at the moment because of DS1 but even so, both me & dh like our current set up.

Anyway I’ve always wanted a third but DH doesn’t and I’ve made my peace with that, we’ve got a good life and I love my kids and am so grateful for what we have, I have to respect DH’s wishes. Some of the things we’ve had to consider are;

-our house is too small for a third, we’d need to move quickly and get a much bigger mortgage
-we can afford a comfortable yet not luxurious lifestyle so a third would definitely add a financial strain
-we are both knackered running around after two small young children, it’s not easy and I’d worry about my mental health having a third
-I just about manage to keep on top of things in the home with a lot of help from DH, the DC’s need lots supervision so it’s really hard for me to get on around the house while they are home, I know a third would make this harder
-DS1 is high care needs asd and it’s really important to me that ds2 isn’t impacted by this, at the moment we’re able to stretch ourselves to make sure they both have all the care and attention they need and I don’t know if we could do this with a third.
-the possibility of third dc also having additional needs, potentially even more severe then dc1 and I’m not sure how we’d cope, also the possibility of twins etc all things we’d need to think about.

Ultimately the cons outweighs the pros sadly so I do agree with DHs opinion even though the maternal/ biological part of me does feel sad at the thought of having anymore.

For me I really miss and love that baby stage so I have to remind myself that it is infact not just a case of having another baby but making a whole other human we need to raise and nurture.

we use contraception, if I accidently got pregnant we would make it work but we are very careful, I think DH will probably end up getting a vasectomy.

I totally understand how your wife feels but it just doesn’t sound like a good idea under the circumstances and the urge will lessen over time, it is for me now that ds2 is 3 and life is just that tiny bit easier.

But in my experience true, my one ex friend actually concealed a pregnancy(4th)until 37 weeks.

A marriage that is already up and down doesn't need another baby brought into the mix.

I know several women who had another child sometimes to try to save their marriage. It never did and all that happened was a costly divorce and child maintenance.

We all 'want' something but common sense should kick in.
You can't afford it.
Your house is small.
Your marriage is up and down.
You're already at full stretch with 2 young children.

Just make sure she or you use contraception so it's never an 'accident' to have a 3rd.

If necessary consider the snip.

This isn’t a “we” question, this is a “what should you do”

It sounds like you need to think about whether or not your marriage is healthy enough to raise the two kids you have it in now, before even thinking if a third. I know your wife is refusing to address these issues, but it doesn’t stop you from addressing them. I think you should get some solo marriage counselling.

I would be very careful about intimacy right now. You have no control of her birth control and I would personally make sure you are covered. If you are adamant that you do mot want more children please get a vesectomy and no happy little accidents will happen.

I’m just saying that people should be able to discuss these things and talk them through in advance of doing them. Civilly. If a marriage is at the point of ‘I am doing this, if you don’t like it you can leave’ then there is much more wrong than just the issue at hand which I think OP knows. That’s part of the point of OPs post.

Nobody should be forced to have children they don’t want to have.

For what it’s worth I read OPs post as saying that the wife had not discussed wanting 3 children with OP until after they had their second baby.

I also think it’s fine for people to change their minds, life happens! But I would the reasoning to be discussed and explained.

Well it’s clear what you shouldn’t do. Do not bring another child into this. Try and sort your marriage, or leave and co-parent.

I would personally make sure you are covered.

You mean that literally- with a condom?

Someone "always wanting" something does not mean that they will always have their desires fulfilled, especially if it's just not practically feasible. And it sounds like there are many reasons why having a third child is not practically feasible at the moment for your family. I echo the other PP: take extreme care not to create another pregnancy and push for couples counselling. Good luck.

Not to mention that although she is now saying she's always wanted a third child, he didn't actually agree to that "My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on)"

And yep, we can't always have what we want, even if we really want it, even if we want it for good reasons. I sympathise with his wife's longing but when it means another adult human being has to consent to the life long commitment of parenting, it definitely takes two to give a clear yes and only one to give a no.

If you decide on a vasectomy, don’t forget they are not guaranteed until you have the follow-up appointment (I think 6 months later) where they check if it has worked. This has caught a lot of men out, judging by online posts.

You have always known she wanted three children

He agreed when he decided to go ahead and marry a woman who always said she wanted three children.

No, that isn't the case at all. The OP stated that For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby.

He hasn't shifted the goalposts, she has. She needs to understand that we can't always have what we want. That's life.

Often when the reality of having children hits then a decision is often made by one or both partners that they don't want any more, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm team OP.

Well my friend did exactly this. She was the main breadwinner working full-time, and had a 3rd kid so she could have some maternity leave!

Ultimately it’s your veto. I desperately wanted a 3rd. We argued a lot about it. He absolutely didn’t. So we didn’t in the end. What could I do? I couldn’t force him. It was gut wrenching for me but we both had to agree and I wasn’t going to force him. You have the final say on what you want.

I think to some extent they are influenced by massive cultural presumptions about what women are supposed to want. A desire for a baby is seen as inherently meritorious in a way that other desires (including bringing up your existing children in financial security) are not.

Vasectomy sounds like a plan.

Come on...you can't seriously think it acceptable to be beholden to having a certain number of children, because they had a conversation a certain number of years ago.

Life changes. Having children and the idea of having children is very different in reality

Pre kids I wanted 4 children. Once I had 2,I realised I was done. Should I now have another 2 children to please my husband?

Or would it be acceptable that he makes life intolerable for however many years because we didn't create 2 new lives, when one parent doesn't really want them?

What a ridiculous and immature stance to take on the matter

Every child deserves to be wanted by both parents. End of. Not conceived because "well you said 10 years ago..."

Nowhere in the op does he say or imply that his wife bullies or harasses him about having another child, he says 'she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments.' If he has a vasectomy without her knowledge/agreement it seems likely that the marriage will end. Despite them both being very unhappy there is no suggestion that this is what op wants.

I wouldn't stay with this woman tbh, she wants another kid there will be 'an accident' pins in condoms or the like. Knew someone who did this, thankfully it didn't work and the guy had a lucky escape from a nut job. -No kids involved.

No new baby!!!!! Even if you both wanted another, this is the wrong time. And if one of you absolutely does NOT want another, then that has to be the decision. I would say this even if you'd both initially wanted three; people and circumstances change but intentionally having an unwanted child is very rarely a good decision.

If your relationship/life together is in turmoil and/or is causing at least one of you (and it sounds like right now it's both if you) emotional distress AND the two of you have tried your best to fix the problem but have failed, then professional therapy or counselling in whatever form you can access it really is the next step and maybe the last resort. If she continues to refuse to consider it even knowing how unhappy you are and this has been going on for some time, I would reconsider the relationship. For now, I'd be very clear with her that (1) you will not change your mind about another child and (2) you would like to do the work to save and repair the relationship if she is willing, but if she does not feel the same way it's time to discuss splitting up.

My first thought too. Or there will be a “contraception fail” baby on the way soon.

Doesn’t have to be a secret, but if he definitely doesn’t want more children, he can sort that issue.

We say it enough on MN that men should take more responsibility and not always expect the woman to deal with contraception.

You need to book a vasectomy and no sex til it’s fully working. And go to couples counselling. Yoy are both valid in your feelings but you need to find a way forward, for your kids sake

Show her how much university costs. Also driving lessons.