Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

I dont think this is a reasonable assumption. I very much wanted a third, and fourth child, nothing to do with wanting time off work but it was because I wanted a big familly.

The no always wins in this situation. I’d also second other posters who’ve advised you to get a vasectomy so she doesn’t “oopsie” you.

But this is still OP making a big family planning decision unilaterally! It isn’t as bad but I don’t think it’s that many steps away from a woman getting pregnant ‘accidentally’.

They should be a team and be able to work these things out and reach an agreement on what’s best for their family. Even if that agreement is having a vasectomy.

Missed that, sorry.

The marriage is not going to last then. It probably wasn't going to anyway, but I'd say that's the nail in the coffin.

Men have just as many rights over their own bodies as women do.

If a woman can choose an abortion, a man can choose a vasectomy.

@Crumpetring yeah, the person who doesn't want a kid wins, as people always say on this site. It's two enthusiastic YESes or no pregnancy should be created.

It's entirely OPs responsibility to ensure he does not cause another pregnancy.

Sounds like your wife thinks having a baby will magic away your marriage problems - really bad reason to have a baby. But also very difficult to persuade her otherwise. I feel for you. Therapy, if she'll do it. The only other way to stop it is to pull the plug - no more financial support. Harsh, but you may have to play hard ball on this one.

No contraception is 100% any way, if you choose to have sex you need to understand there is a small possibility of a pregnancy.

Do you know for sure that your friends ditched their contraception without telling their partners?

You have always known she wanted three children. Regardless of whether you think this has been discussed or agreed to, you married her knowing that.

It seems to me you've now shifted the goalposts. If that's the case, you need to ask yourself why you think it's OK to do that and resent her for not rolling over and saying 'fine, I'll just forget about my dream of three children'.

You haven't said what's unbearable about your life together - do you hate her? Do you resent being the main breadwinner? Is the house a constant tip? Do you hate the chaos that comes with having two children aged 5 and under?

Three children can survive and thrive in a 3 bedroom house. Bunks are perfectly acceptable for sleeping in.

Don't talk daft.

A person deciding NOT to have a child is on a different planet to a person forcing someone to be the parent of a child they absolutely do not want.

The key difference is that one choice creates unwanted parental obligations which were not agreed to and are lifelong commitments for another person while bringing an entire new life into the world and the other - now stay with me here - does not.&

What you're suggesting is financial abuse.

Shame on you.

Yes - OP absolutely needs to take responsibility.

Something is driving her to want another child, it might be that she doesn't want to work, it might be a biological drive thing, it might be that she thinks it will improve family life, who knows? She might not even know herself why. I agree with pp, take charge of contraception. Instead of an absolute no, could you suggest that you shelve the baby conversation for a period of time, say, a year, while you both have therapy and work on the marriage. I dont mean pretend you might want one in a year, but decide that next year you will consider it, and you will also consider a vasectomy, so that the decision will be made one way or another. This is assuming that you still love each other, and you both want to make the marriage work.

He agreed when he decided to go ahead and marry a woman who always said she wanted three children.

You don't get to move the goalposts and expect the other person to fall into line.

I think it’s quite normal for women to yearn for another, I’ve got 3 beautiful children and sometimes at the back of my head I think ‘maybe I should have tried for one more’ just because I love my children so much, and enjoy spending time with them.
I know we absolutely didn’t have space/funds to give our children the lifestyle we wanted ie own rooms and hobbies/trips if we had tried for number 4.
My DH had a vasectomy after our 3rd after we both agreed we were done, I had suggested it after baby number 2 but he was keen to have a 3rd and as we had the space and finances we chose to have another.
At some point you have to be happy with the children you have, the size of your house, the state of your marriage and your own desire to stop at 2 is why your wife should be listening to you.
At the moment you have an irreconcilable difference, I’m not sure how you can get past it apart from tell her you absolutely won’t be having a 3rd child and advising her you will be booking yourself in for a vasectomy and that she either come to terms with it or it will break up your marriage.
No one should be forced to have more children than they want, have space for and can afford, if she is desperate to have another she will have to almost blow up her life to do it…. Perhaps she thinks it will be worth it or that if she throws enough tantrums you’ll back down….
I wouldn’t be having sex with her unless you are 100% sure your contraception is watertight, because otherwise she’ll end up with her much wanted 3rd.

None of this changes the fact OP doesn’t want more children.

Don’t agree to the third child OP - trust yourself and stick to your guns. Also wear protection as someone else has said.You work so hard too supporting everyone financially - you must be exhausted. She doesn’t sound like a very sensible woman but rather a foolish and selfish one.

He doesn’t actually say that in the OP.

This is the logic rapists use.

Yes, it absolutely is.

No, don't pretend you think I am calling you a rapist and don't pretend not to get it.

Of course he can refuse consent to his sperm, sex, and being a parent to a third child. At any time. For any reason.

And she gets to leave.

That's how consent works.

And, of course, that's not what happened anyway.

Yes I do. Get a few women together, a few drinks, and start talking about DC and you'd be surprised the number who will admit that DC number 2 or 3 or 4 wasn't actually 'the accident' that everyone thought they were.

if this was the other way around there would be outrage at a man dictating what a woman does with her body!

Imagine a man telling a woman she couldn’t take precautions to make sure she didn’t have an unwanted pregnancy.

I'd love to know what you define as work.

its understandable why she would want another

Seems to me that there are a lot of women-hating posters here on this thread

Indeed. Or DC 1 in many cases!