Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

Absolutely not. Women where I worked were quite open about wanting another child for maternity leave and many- not all- did not want to return to work when it ended.

I know OP didn’t suggest it but if you’re at the point of having a vasectomy behind someone’s back then the marriage is already over. That’s not how two adults in a relationship resolve issues.

I don't know any women like this. Your husband's friends sound like an unlucky bunch. Do you think your husband might be telling you these tales of woe to make sure you don't start getting any ideas?

@Crumpetring why do you think the vasectomy would be a secret? He can easily tell his wife he's had one.

Just reiterating what others are saying about being careful re contraception. I worked with a woman who wanted a third but her DH wasn't keen. She sat at work saying "we're having another one but he doesn't know it yet" and laughing, three months later she was pregnant and her DH wasn't happy from what i heard.

Get a vasectomy.

I agree

Women sometimes seem to think that adding a baby into the mix will add a buffer into the marriage when actually it makes things worse. as do some men in fairness.
I believe that if either parent says they are done then that is it, unless expectations were clearly on the table from day one. Going from 2 to 3 DC is logistically more challenging. A child does not deserve to be born as a 'sticking plaster' for the marriage and both parents need to be fully on-board.

Then it was a secret. Unless he tells her before the first doctors appointment, it's being hidden.

Yep.

This is how I feel. 5 years since my last child in full time work and I feel another year off is needed 🫣 Husband not on board haha.

What should you do?

1. Make sure your contraception is ROCK SOLID. I have several friends who wanted more DC than their DHs did and most of them got their way by ditching the contraception, not telling their DH, and then 'Oops' getting pregnant with the DC they longed to have. If you really don't want a third you need to ensure that it doesn't happen.

2. As for your marriage - I would say if you've already tried talking about it and all it's led to is stalemate, then marriage counselling. A woman who is convinced that she wants another DC can be a very irrational creature. She is in the grip of a hormonal urge and you are the barrier to her fulfilling that urge - so she isn't going to listen to good sense and she is going to be very sad and possibly very angry when she realises that she isn't going to get her own way, so it's better to have those difficult conversations with an intermediary. But if the marriage is going to end, she's going to damn well get that third baby first if she possibly can, and guess what? You'll have to pay for it. See point number one.

Sit down and tell her that this is really very simple, you don't want another baby full stop. Therefore she has to decide whether to:

a) make her peace with it and move on

b) leave you, and find another man to have a 3rd child with. Or she could have one via sperm donation.

Which will it be? How old are you both? If she's approaching peri then it's incredibly common to suddenly crave another baby, it's nature doing her job.

Rubbish. Loads of women have babies to avoid working. This is not a new concept.

@Abc1237890 What on earth should we do?

I don't know about Mrs Abc but you need to get a vasectomy for everyone's sake. And make it ASAP before she creates an "oops" baby for you to pay for.

Adding another child into an already rocky marriage, is a recipe for disaster. Babies don't fix relationships. They can add a huge amount of stress, to a relationship that isn't secure or stable enough to cope with the baby/toddler stage (and beyond).

You would be crazy to consider another child, given the financial and marriage situation. I would urge you both to seek counselling, together and separately. Take responsibility for contraception. You haven't discussed a 3rd child, other than your wife has decided she wants another. You clearly don't. Without intervention from a therapist you are at stalemate. Resolving issues within the marriage takes priority over your wife's desire for a 3rd baby.

And if you use condoms, keep them somewhere safe. It's not unheard of for women to put a pin through every single one in the box.

I went through a very broody phase after dd2 - not that I wanted a boy, just another BABY. But it did wear off eventually.

Totally agree and it also depends on the job. Maternity leave was so much easier and less stressful than the job I do… but the bills need to be paid so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then he can tell her he's having one, doesn't matter when he tells her. She knows he doesn't want another kid so it won't be a massive shock.

If the marriage is dead, get divorced and enjoy life, raise your kids 50/50. Dragging it out isn't making anyone happy.

It's a one person veto's it situation, so the answer is no. Get a vasectomy, obviously.

And get to marriage counselling. Quick.

I really would consider a vasectomy, yes. But don't do it secretly. Tell her so she can make a decision about the marriage going forward knowing all the facts.

But absolutely you shouldn't have a child you don't want in an already rocky marriage with two children already here.

Not sure how you've arrived at that idea!

@Duckagogo the OPs wife refuses counselling.

What is it about women who are unable to make a head over heart decision when it comes to having babies?