Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

Sorry, which part of life is unbearable? The baby/young children or the atmosphere because of your disagreement?

Divorce. Now.

You are keeping this woman in an unhappy relation, where you are not able to provide even for your current children.

Also, be a sahd for a while. Will help you clear your image about paid employment v childcare.

You have to sit her down and be incredibly frank and honest with her - just say you can’t do it and you don’t want it. She will be mumpty for a while but hopefully get over it. Explain with the reasons you have given us.

Book a vasectomy. The last thing this relationship needs is a baby. Sounds like she's got her head in the same and thinks a baby will solve the family problems. Or she's approaching the end of her fertile years and her body is telling her to get on with it. It only makes sense from her point of view. Not from yours, or a financial or practical point of view.

I would have a very frank conversation telling her your everything you've said. She can decide if it's a deal breaker for her. Doesn't seem massively reasonable given it's news to you she has always wanted three. If she had three, maybe she would want four. It's a weird time when you're done with the baby, very dependant little ones stage, maybe she's struggling with the change and your children being a little older etc. Good luck.

@Abc1237890 has any man in your life ever given you marriage advice?

If not, I have an absolute gem to pass on from my husband: happy wife, happy life.

Do with that what you will 😉

Have a vasectomy. She has no right to browbeat you into having another child.

It sounds more like the wife has shifted the goal posts.

So many women get bogged down in the desire for a baby that they don't think about the fact that they are a) raising a whole person to adulthood and b) creating an entire family relationship network for that person. So many women me included, but I learnt from it and only did it once choose to have a baby without thinking of the ties and relationships they are creating. You wouldn't just be having a third baby, you'd be creating a family of 5 - it would impact on all members of the family and can't be considered in isolation. If your marriage isn't rock solid you should not be considering another child. It would be a foolish disaster.

And they didn't actually have the conversation anyway. The person you're responding to is just a troll, pretty sure.

Either that or so irredeemably thick there's no talking to them.

Im a loan parent and i loved my maternity leave. Felt like Id been let out of work prison. Obviously it depends on the baby (and the job). My job was very demanding and stressful film production job - looking after one baby was joyous - i even went traveling worh my baby once she was 4 months. I do think lots of women would like the option to be at home and find it easier than work. Lots obviously don't!! A choice is the best option and very few of us have that.. Maybe your wife sees the possibility of a third baby as giving her the option of school pick ups and toddler playgroups and making mum friends which if she's at work she won't have to the same extent.

It would be good to have a deep (and none confrontational) discussion with her about whether she feels she faces a lack of choice in terms of looking after her 2 and 5 year old? how happy is she at work? Is she missing her kids and not finding fulfilment in her work? Does she want a third so she can be off work and with them? Try and understand how she is really feeling. 3 is really hard especially if there is no spare cash for cleaners or help. And don't forget they grow up and need rooms, uni fees, driving lessons etc.

i wouldn't have a vasectomy without this discussion with her first though x

I agree with this.

She is keeping herself in the relationship. Shocking that you assume she's a mannequin with no autonomy.

They should certainly divorce though, if she can't or won't stop badgering him to have a kid he has stated clearly and unequivocally he doesn't want. There's no way to resolve that.

And on top of the years of relationship issues his wife apparently refuses to go to counselling for, trying to throw a child into the mix who's only wanted by one of them would be horrific.

So, yep, divorce is where they're headed.

So glib, so patronising.

I went through that stage of intense broodiness when my last one was coming out of toddlerdom. It's not a rational feeling, and it's so strong. I knew at the time that I wasn't being rational. I am so glad now I did not have another. It would have been a disaster.

And so pointless.

Happy wife, miserable husband, loads of marital issues, not enough money, unhappy kids does not, in fact, equal a happy life for anyone but the wife in that particular scenario.

This is true, with the caveat of, just like an abortion, having a vasectomy affects both partners so the other partner should be told.
People here were advocating a secret vasectomy.

It can vary for different situations.... Im a working mum of 4 kids. I find working outside the home much harder work than being at home with kids 💁
but regardless of which is harder, the thing is its all assumptions that PPs have made that the wife wants to stay home. we dont know that this is the case

Wow that was quick.
So you think bring at home and looking after a baby and nursery age child would be easy and no work at all.
Strange world you’re living in

WThere is no way to say what you suggest without her thinking if the marriage improves you will agree to a third child.

Don’t say this OP.

This is not even remotely clear. OP says that having a third child is something that they have not previously properly discussed or agreed. The wording would suggest that it has been brought up before presumably by the wife. Her understanding may be that she has been clear she wanted a third child from the start, and is now miserable he is not seeing this through despite her being upfront about it, and him never saying ‘No, I don’t want three children’’ until recently.

We don’t know but OPs wording suggests there have been conversations that they may have drawn different conclusions from.

It's utter bollocks, isn't it.

Yep, same thought

I’ll bet my hat that the ‘issue’ the wife won’t ‘face’ or ‘seek counselling’ is sex. He isn’t getting enough, and she is in the throes of family life like many young mums and it’s not a priority for her.

Tale as old as time.

This.
x100000

@Abc1237890

IMHO, NOT wanting another child trumps having another child every single time. Every child deserves to be deeply and sincerely wanted by both parents.

You need to accept that your marriage may not survive this. Counseling may help, but this is one of those things for which there is no compromise. One of you is going to have 'give in' to the other's position or the marriage will end. Maybe not right away, but the resentment will build until the marriage 'breaks'. The most drastic result may be that you have child you don't want to keep her, or she leaves to find someone else to have a 3rd child with. Are you prepared for either of those?

If you truly don't want another child, then get the snip. Your body, your choice. But do NOT do it on the sly, be upfront with her. And as others have said wear a condom, every single time. And I'll add, keep those condoms in your 'care and control'. I've known more than one 'pinhole maker' in my long life.