Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

I read it as the wife is now saying she has always wanted 3, that it was not something that was discussed and agreed upon.
Regardless if the OP has always known his wife has wanted 3 children, things change..
The cost of living at the moment would be enough to make many people reconsider adding additional children to their family.
Yes children can share rooms but what if there was a reason they couldn’t due to disability, additional needs etc
The family have what sounds like two happy and healthy children, the OP doesn’t want anymore.

Paid employment. What on earth did you think I’m meant?

You can't lock anyone into a contract of how many children. No one really knows how they will be impacted by pregnancy and the baby years or how other life events will affect the family. It's very normal for people to change their minds when in the reality of this.

Not at all - we’re just aware that not all women are nice or honest human beings. Same as some men.

Yep. He should have a vasectomy and tell her afterwards. Otherwise she'll just try to bully and harass him into not having autonomy over his own body.

And we know this because she is currently trying to bully and harass him into having a third child he categorically doesn't want.

It's his body, his choice, just as it would be hers too. And in her shoes the whole of mumsnet would be telling her to leave him for coercive control.

Much as I hate to stick up for a man on this site, I find myself in the unenviable position of being fair and logical 😅

You can compromise on many things in a marriage, but the number of children you have isn't one of them.

It's very difficult - a wife can 'arrange' a contraception failure if she's the one wanting a baby (i know of at least one instance of this - she told me herself), and the husband is then stuck.

Or maybe he will eventually leave...

I had 2 DC, and for a while thought of having a third. DH wasn't keen. I realised it would hugely change lots of things, so we decided to happily stick with our two lovely kids.

You need to discuss calmly and sensibly with your DW and reach a decision together. Use a counsellor if you need to.

Not at all - these are women I know and like (for the most part), but I don't like deceit and I would hate to be a relationship where my DP had deceived me in such a huge way, and that cuts both ways.

Do not get her pregnant.
Take 100% responsibility for contraception.

Get counselling.
Bringing another child into a shaky relationship is madness.

I knew two young women, going back 25 years now, who deliberately got pregnant to hang onto their boyfriend.

Nope, that's not woman hating either. They actually did tell me, all by themselves, that's what they'd done.

Now, I've known dozens, maybe hundreds of women who had babies who didn't entrap their boyfriends into fatherhood.

But of course it does happen. It's a trope for a reason.

What? Do you know something the rest of us don’t know? How do you know this?

I wanted a third girl.

Make sure you are taking responsibility for contraception. You can't expect her to use contraception if she wants another child so you need to use condoms and if sure you definitely won't ever want another baby, book a vasectomy

Whilst I sympathise with someone longing for another child, I think the person who does not want a further child gets the final say as every baby deserves to be wanted by both parents

Its your wife's decision if she remains with you up, but make it clear that any sex from now on will be with a condom, no matter of she claims to be on contraception or not

Oh puhleeease.
What tosh.

She told him before they married that she wanted three children. She hasn't conceived that third child yet because she does, in fact, want his consent. She married him in full belief - despite his protestations of no discussion and no agreement - that the third child would happen. He was perfectly happy to marry and have however much sex they've been having.

Now he is throwing his toys out of the pram and calling his life intolerable because she's holding him to his word. Nodding along while whispering sweet nothings in her ear is his word.

I wanted a fourth, or was in two minds but did want one and couldn't really let it go. It felt biological.
I was sahm, but wanted to work more but was difficult with everything left to me. Husband worked away for long periods.
I also wanted husband to get a vasectomy
He didn't
I got pregnant
He wasn't happy
Had fourth baby
Was seriously difficult - pregnancy, breastfeeding. I was older I guess.
We got divorced
I am now working
He adores the fourth child in a way he couldn't have imagined
I'm less enamoured lol although obviously think the world of her. I couldn't have imagined how difficult it would be really
Probably should have stuck at three but I'm now working in a job that I love that is well paid having retrained.
You couldn't make it up tbh.
It's been unbelievably difficult but now it's all a bit more settled and things are really good. We are ironically both better off divorced, coparent well and have four children. Exhausting just thinking about it 🤣

Why are you making things up?

And even if this jackanory was true - so what? People are allowed to change their minds. When we started discussing kids, my husband wanted 2 or 3 and I wanted 3. Once I had one I realised I was nowhere near as cut out for being a mum as I had thought I’d be and I didn’t want an only child so had one more, but 3 was off the table. People are allowed to change their minds on such a big issue.

What if it had been him wanting 3 and her wanting to stop at 2? Would it be OK for him to force her into pregnancy?

I think they purposefully misread the original post where the OP said "My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on)"

Which of course means his wife is saying, now, in arguments that she has always wanted three children.

But this is not something they had properly discussed or agreed upon.

And anyway, even if they had agreed upon it (and they did not according to the OP) he can withdraw consent at any time and she can withdraw from the marriage if she wishes to do so.

Oh, you're just trolling.

Got it.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I genuinely couldn't ever do this to my DH.

It makes me feel a bit sick that it's considered totally gross and illegal (and rightly so) for a man to secretly remove a condom during sex, but when a woman secretly removes her contraception, it's something funny that certain women giggle about over drinks.

Agreed. I feel like there is a lot of projection going on with this poster.

They're just trolling. It's ragebait, nothing more.

Also working is much easier and more fun than being a SAHM I found ! At least during work hours I have one task at a time usually and a commute to decompress during 😂 being a SAHM was the hardest job ever and I’ve worked in high pressure environments!

It is you talking tosh. Reread OPs posts. He is very clear that whilst she now says she's always wanted 3 children, crucially, this was not something they'd ever discussed or agreed. He didn't get married knowing/agreeing to 3 children, this is something she's dropped on him now. She's changing the goal posts, not him.

In any case, he has the right to remove his consent to having another child at any time for any reason.

He doen't want another child for good resons (state of the relationship, finances, property size, and just plain not wanting to.) So that is that.

She has the choice to accept it, or to exit the relationship. That is all.

He doesn't want

Don't be silly. Having a baby is an enormous decision for a couple in difficulties and it shouldn't just be about what one person wants. Has anyone thought about the child? Not everything is about abuse. I'm suggesting he tells his wife he won't be drawn in, they need to get therapy, and he'll have to look at other options if she insists on not exploring the issue with him. It's not 'I want, I get', when another innocent human being is involved.

It may not have occurred to her that there are all sorts of ways that having 3 rather than 2 makes life much more difficult and expensive. It isn't even easy to fit 3 children in car seats in a family car. Family rooms in hotels etc etc.
Has she thought about supporting while at University for 3 rather than 2? The loan rules don't adjust for how many kids you have, just the total salary range.

You mention that she has started doing some part time work and I am wondering if the desire for a third is mainly motivated by wanting to be a SAHM for longer? Maybe you would have leverage if you agreed that just your single salary could work, if you stop at the 2 children.

It sounds to me like you are clear that you don’t want another child. No one should be pushed into having a child they don’t want - so either your wife makes her peace with this or she ends the relationship.

Therapy, sure, but not if this is done in the expectation that you will change your mind.

I have 3 kids, the final one was a “happy accident”. It’s fucking hard. Don’t let yourself be talked into it unless you really want it.

Wear condoms.