Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

None of what you've said stands out to me as actually being behind developmentally.

My Dd didn't walk til 14 months. She's now 10, excelling in dancing and gymnastics, one a few park runs with her class etc. I honestly wouldn't even give it much thought at that age.

Everyone has their pwn strengths and weaknesses

your child sounds fine… 13 months for walking is fine, my dd who gets good grades was older than that!!!

my ds wasn’t dry at night till 8 and he’s a straight a student.

fir speech I think the more you talk to them the better, and your child may be one of those who speaks later but fluently when they start.

each child is different and I’m not sure why you think yours is behind? Remember lots of people big their child up and only the good stuff goes on social media.

Your child is not delayed.. 13 months is early to walk in my opinion. And the speech will come, they're only just 2. I have had 4 kids and honestly some of the babies you see that are so far ahead of their peers have turned out no cleverer or more successful than the late talkers and walkers. It's not a race

13 months is a normal age to walk. Both of mine walked at 13 months and they were far from being the latest walkers in my group of family and friends.
My younger child wasn't much of a babbler. She had few words by 2 but fully understood when you talked to her. After 2 her speech came on very quickly. She's still not a very chatty person. Just her way. She's 15 now and doing very well academically.

Don’t worry! Both my boys walked at 9 months; one is very academic and the other is below average academically! None of my nieces walked til they were 18 months and they range between very academic and average

being academic or not really isn’t the biggest thing to worry about in life. Plenty of highly highly successful adults who weren’t classically academic. The issue lies with the school system and enforcing on kids and adults that you aren’t intelligent if you aren’t good at school subjects, or that it is the height of a successful life if you’re a doctor, lawyer, banker etc, when you could be highly talented in other areas such as trades, public speaking, sport, caring, entrepreneurship etc which the traditionally academic kids might be poor at.

the world needs all kinds of people with all types of different skills. Your child will find their way don’t worry

One of mine didn't walk until 18 months. He has severe dyspraxia but it wasn't diagnosed until he was 7. He hates and finds hard anything sporty but can walk fine.

My other, now 8, was slow to learn to speak and has really struggled with learning to read and write. In the past year they have started to notice how behind their peers they are but luckily school are now doing a dyslexia assessment.

They both have strengths and weakness. My dyspraxic child is great academically. My other child is good at art and building things.

Mumsnet is full of high achievers but in the real world half the population are below average. Most work, have friends, relationships, fun etc! It isn't the worst thing in the world.

At 10 months my daughter had 3 words. At 20 months she still only had 3 words as whenever she learnt a new word she lost and old word. She even lost mummy as daddy.

At 24 months she started nursery again after a 13 months break only communicating by pointing and by 26 months she was using 2 and 3 word sentences and communicating with words not pointing

She's 3.5 now and her language skills are on par with her friends. She learnt to count around 2y9m.

Your child doesn't sound at all delayed.

Get some advice about child development and calm down a bit.

What won't help her at any point in her life is you labelling her as 'below average'.

A friend’s son never crawled and didn’t walk until 2 (shuffled about on his bum before that). He is now age 16, an amazing athlete, and regularly represents his region in various competitions as a runner.

Unless there are other things you haven’t mentioned she doesn’t sound at all delayed. None of mine walked before 13 months, none spoke at 2, DD said pretty much nothing other than, yeah, on her second birthday and I’m pretty sure none could count at 26 months.

They are not delayed in the slightest. Eldest walked GCSE and a levels, attends a great uni and is an excellent sportsman. Middle is similar plus a talented musician and youngest seems to be going down the same path

It sounds like you don't have a good grasp of early development. This is not a delayed child.

I worry about your DC. Not because they seem in any way unusual (their development sounds like that of my own beautiful, perfectly unique, bright & talented DC’s) …. But I worry because you as their mother have started a thread on a forum calling them “below average”. 😞 😢

You need to really examine your thoughts about what you and society value, and how utterly un-important it is what other people think of your child’s ‘achievements’…. Or you’re going to have a very unhappy neurotic child with serious self-esteem issues.

None of what you say says developmentally behind.

When you meet an adult can you tell if they were an early/late walker or talker? Of course not. Can you tell if a stranger in the street met their milestones early/average/late? Nope If there was a correlation then companies would be out there trying to monetise this “scientific discovery” If your dd is on the later side of meeting a milestone then she counts as average as she met it in that time period.

There are big ranges for developmental stuff like talking because babies aren’t programmed to learn the skills in the order listed in baby books.

There are kids who are further ahead but there will be kids further behind too. Remember that and don’t worry.

Back to your question, neither of my sons said any words at 2 (never mind string 2 together) but once they started talking they didn’t stop. They’d sometimes say like a dozen new words a day and quickly went to sentences. They passed their GCSEs and A-levels without drama and socially very popular.

Everybody here will have sympathy for parents who brag. If you get milestone updates via email newsletters and things have you considered unsubscribing so they don’t fuel your anxiety ? There is no need to fear that your dd might not be able to be a professional sportswoman or be a lawyer because of the age she met her physical and verbal milestones. Enjoy her for who she is and she is likely to surprise you by picking things up quickly when she is ready.

@cloudyday18jan You are spot on - half the world IS below 'average' whatever that might be.

Everyone probably wants their child to be excelling academically but in reality - only a handful of children will. And, having spent a lot of time worrying about developmental delay, and feeling like my daughter is defined by what she can't do (as per developmental checklists), I want to know what life looks like just for a child who isn't particularly academically good or even average.

It's really nice to hear that your child is good at arts and building things and hopefully gets joy from that as well.

Thanks to those who have posted saying that she sounds in the realms of normal - thank you, that is quite nice reassurance as I feel like she sticks out...

But for context, that judgement has come from others as well as from me.

re the walking, I was told by a child psychologist that 13 months was a 'bit late' to walk which is where I'm getting that from.

Re the speech, at 24 months my DD was saying maybe 10 words and used makaton instead of speaking basically - and this was identified as an expressive language delay by SLT at that time. Her speech has come on a lot in the last month and now putting 2 words together and has over the magic '50' threshold.

Recent nursery 2 year assessment put her in EYFS range 3 (which seems to map on to toddler ages up to 24 months) not range 4 (which is beyond 24 months).

DS1 was behind on every milestone. Never crawled, didn't put two words together till he was 3 etc.

He's 15 and in year 10, he's just done mock GCSE's at school. 8&9's across all subjects except English where he got 6.

@StringTheory1 Thanks - yes I can understand what you are saying and you are right to flag it up.

@User373433 As my post above - three different professionals have highlighted some level of delay / taking a bit longer to get to milestones.

I am, for better or worse, surrounded by an NCT group very bright able toddlers in it (e.g. walkers at 9 months, speaking in sentences at 15 months - I witnessed both so it's not just bragging). So that has impacted on my understanding of what should be happening when. Also, first child and no family so i dont have a wise mother/aunt/father to sense check with.

I suppose i mean average in terms of 'these are the checklists / developmental milestone ages, EYFS ranges, SATS averages'. Some children will necessarily be below average, in order to get an average (take note Michael Gove).

I see these posts on MN saying, oh where should I send my very gifted child / how do i encourage my very gifted child to do x y z. and I suppose I'm just interested in what the average/below average (academically) looks like - i know school can be a miserable place. I know it can be more miserable if you are different, or the work is hard.

Part of me asking is to understand, to prepare, to feel more positive and hopefully to be a better mother.

I never crawled and apparently wandered off walking at 10 months, seriously causing a panic as they'd thought I'd been taken! Talking though, I was told I hardly said anything, understood what was being said but rarely talked. Then at 18 months, with a new brother on the scene, I started chatting away, maybe I needed a static audience!! Seriously, my nephew, diagnosed autistic, delayed communication etc., and struggled till he was 15 / 16 and since then A Levels, St John Ambulance Volunteer and Trainer, now working and currently applying for the Police. He just needed to be at a point / in an environment that worked for him. Children are like the Tortoise and Hare, with development ages and 'hitting targets' strictly for number crunchers and unless we have stats on every child, every where, what the hell is average?

You are worrying unnecessarily.
Lots of babies don't walk till later than 13 months, I don't think health professionals have concerns until 18 months.
As for speaking, you say your child is putting 2 words together and is counting, so doesn't sound like there is an issue there either.
FWIW, I have 3 DC.
DC1 walked at about 15 months, and didn't have much of vocabulary till about 22 months, and because he was my pfb, I kept a note of what words he could say - he had about 100 words by his second birthday. He started learning to read at about 30 months, and has always been academically successful, 1st class degree from a top uni. DC2 was talking about 14 months, and in proper sentences by 18 months. He walked at about 13 months, he's also academic but no more so than DC1.
DC3 walked at about 13 months, but had very few words at 24 months, and didn't actually start talking properly till he was 3, which was about the same time he rode a bike by himself . Also very clever ( not bragging but people always commented on how easily he picked things up) but can't adult properly at 22.
My friend's son walked at 8 months, could climb scarily well before his first birthday; another friend's son was talking well before his first birthday.

I'm telling you this to show there is a huge range, and it seems to have very little connection to eventual outcomes. Most kids walk between 12-18 months, and most start speaking around 2 -but I couldn't get a referral to Speech and Language for DC3 till he was nearly 3, because they thought there was no point as it was still within the range of normal. They did check for hearing and understanding though - if you are worried why not check to see whether your DC can follow instructions, like " Put the doll with the red dress on the blue chair" " Get two pencils and put them on the table" " Get {named favourite book} and give it to grandma to read".

My ds didn't walk until he was 2 3/4 years old (he was 12 weeks to the day from turning 3)

I made myself ill with worry-endless hospital trips and appointments

Just got up one day and ran-never sat down again

He's now training to be a p.e teacher

My other ds was not at all academic-he flunked all his exams and just wasn't bothered about school

Trying to get him to bother was like putting a fish at the base of a tree and telling it to climb it

He now has a gritty career in a hospital (that he loves) and is about to make me a granny

He's gained qualifications at his own pace and style

Bloody proud of them both

She sounds like she's exactly where she should be for her age, I think you're being unfair to her to try and label her below average when it isn't true

My DS didn’t walk until 16 months and was slow to talk too. He is 15 now and doing his GCSEs this year. He didn’t do spectacularly well in his mocks but we’re hopeful he will do better in the real thing. He won’t be getting 7s 8s or 9s I don’t think, but is likely to pass them all. Next year he is going to an agricultural college to study a practical/outdoorsy course. He is sporty and active with lots of practical skills and a nice group of friends. He now has a girlfriend too who is lovely.

He won’t be winning any Nobel prizes I shouldn’t think but he is a smashing lad. He is kind and thoughtful and very empathetic and will I’m sure find his way in life.

Oh dear you need to chill out. Your child sounds completely average.

Milestones at 2 are not a prediction of achievement through life. I have a toddler with significant speech delay who has needed intervention but it doesn't mean I'm stressing about his sad future life as a "below average" child. Maybe he'll end up very academic like me. Maybe he won't and that's OK too!

I'm sure you are a great mother but the best thing you can do is let your child develop within normal parameters at their own pace.

I appreciate what everyones saying about my child sounding normal or average, but the nursery, SLT and psychologist have all advised she is behind where she should be or has previously been behind where she should be (e.g. with the walking - I was very specifically told by a child psychologist this was 'later than expected'). The HV who came round to do the 6 week check also told me my baby was 'failing to thrive' due to issues with weight gain. So my concerns about her being delayed are from professional sources.

And yes, I am trying to be 'ok' with that but tbh it is a struggle. Life can be miserable for people who are different. And school / academic work can be hard work and thankless and I am worried about a future where my daughter hates school or is bullied for being behind. Which is why I'm asking for other perspectives.

Why were you speaking with the child psychologist?
Did she/he assess your child?

@Weirdaf1 I was speaking to child psychologist because I / my daughter were referred to them due to how worried I was about her development. And that's fair - I was / am. I am trying to work on that because as lots of people have said she needs a positive, happy, un-anxious parent who is her cheerleader. I find it difficult to be that for lots of reasons. one of those reasons is that I find that i only ever hear stories about children who excel and are academically brilliant in one way or another.