Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

What do you want - stories of kids who accelerate to become high achievers, or stories of kids who are happy despite being - in your words - 'below average'?

The best thing to do would be to avoid comparisons and try to celebrate the child you have. Focus on a) what they can do and b) what they need in order to do what is next.

You have no idea how they'll turn out at 16.

I'm surprised you got a referral for a child who seems to be doing just fine.
I know it's easier said than done but try to relax and enjoy her.
Just talk to her. Don't try to make everything educational and worthy. Have fun. Children learn so much just being with you, chatting about what you are doing. Take her shopping, let her help with little jobs, cooking and chat like you would with anyone else.

OP, she sounds totally normal (I'm a mum to a 2.5 yo).

Just because some other toddlers are ahead in some areas means nothing. They develop at their own pace and often not only "catch up" but excel and get ahead very swiftly.

Speaking in sentences at 15 months old or walking at 9 months old are very exceptional. I have a group of 20+ mums in my circle with children of similar age and only one walked this early and one other has had very sophisticated and developed speech early on.

Why did you take her to a child psychologist?

None of what they said sounds like she's delayed or below average developmentally, like I said, all toddlers develop at their own pace and frankly it's meaningless if they walk at 10 or 14 months. Speech wise many toddlers go through phases of their vocabulary suddenly booming. How much do you read with her?

I mean no disrespect, but it does come across like you're setting unreasonable standards for no reason and that you're overly concerned because of that and misinterpreting what the professionals said. Do you not consider yourself overly anxious?

Not sure about the talking as yes that does sound a little late but not necessarily a sign of anything.

With walking, however, my middle child didn't walk until 17 months and she's completely thriving, normal 4 year old now.

Life can be miserable for people who are different. And school / academic work can be hard work and thankless and I am worried about a future where my daughter hates school or is bullied for being behind.

This is disordered thinking, life just isn't this negative for the vast majority of kids with good homes, decent standard of living and reasonable parents.

I'd suggest getting some support with your thinking patterns could help.

Try to think about the fun your child will have at the beach, on a slide, at a birthday party, watching a film, making biscuits, riding a bike, growing sunflowers, eating candyfloss.

Life is a series of moments, really, especially for children. Of course some children get bullied, but a) most of them don't and b) good parents respond if it happens.

Try to be in the moment with your beautiful child.

I might as well give up on my baby then. Theres no hope for him. (tongue in cheek)

He is almost 15 months and no words or walking. But he does the most adorable clapping and hugs.

In the real world. Average walking is 12-13 months and average words is around 50 with some basic attempts at linking around 24 months ( no milk, mummy up).

Jumping to your child being bullied at school as they aren't academic is slightly bizarre.

Dd had a slight delay in speaking and gross motor at 24 months and is doing great now at school. No concerns at all.

Failure to thrive at birth is nothing to do with your child's development and all to do with feeding and nutrition.

You may have seen professionals and they may have made some comments but you have taken their comments out of all context and seriousness.

Health professionals rarely get involved unless child isn't walking nearer 20-24 months. Talking they usually wait until child is nearing 2.5-3.

That is because young children develop at their own pace and we are talking about months difference (30 days!) Not years!

Please relax and enjoy your child.

Your child doesn’t sound behind to me. My DD was 15 months when she started walking, wasn’t saying barely anything at 2 but was speaking in full sentences by 2.5.

Kids will hit milestones at different rates but they’ll even out eventually.

You child sounds exactly where they should be!

DC1 didn't walk until 17 months and DC2 didn't really talk that much until 2.5 years. Both are now academically ahead, very active 7 and 8 year olds.

So ds1 was delayed in many areas. He has a diagnosis of dyspraxia (hence the delay in physical skills) and was initially diagnosed with a speech delay (then a speech disorder- possibly linked to the dyspraxia), he eventually had a diagnosis of autism. At primary school he was generally happy but they said he was 'immature' in his behaviour., his speech made it hard to understand him so they thought he was a bit behind in everything. He is also dyslexic so has poor written work, poor reading and because of the dyspraxia poor handwriting.

However he is not. He blossomed at secondary school, was recognised at actually quite able in maths and computing. As his speech had developed to within normal parameters they also recognised that verbally he was able and he just needed support to put it on paper.

Fast forward to now and he has moved to a grammar school, predicted 4 As / A* s at A levels and was part of the debating team who won the national finals.

How a child presents as a baby/toddler does not necessarily pan out to how they will develop.

Continue to enjoy your DC for who they are. Give them all the opportunities and encouragement you can and allow them to show you what they are capable of.

I have a cousin who could apparently hold a conversation soon after she turned a year old. She was an amazingly early talker. She’s a lovely girl, but thick as a pan of mince. My dd didn’t walk or talk until she was two years old, and my ds had to have speech and language therapy and was still struggling by the time he started school. They’ve both got very good professional jobs now.

I think that child psychologist was very unprofessional to say that about the walking, it's almost meaningless to give expected timings for walking and talking as they vary so widely between perfectly normal children, it's a very wide bell curve and the association between being a month or two later than the mean age and having a developmental problem is very weak.
I believe I remember seeing a thread on Mumsnet where people were discussing ( cheerfully) their average children, it was started to balance out the tendency for threads to be about exceptional ( from both ends of ability) children on Mumsnet. Maybe search for it.

You could have been describing my DD at that age... but your DDs speech was more delayed.

At 4, starting school... she had selective mutism, dyslexia was mentioned at 5yo (far too early for screening), and basically all school reports were "working towards" age expectations. She didn't do Yr2 SATs as too far below standard to be worthwhile.

Shes now in Yr8, approaching 13yo.
-Top set for Maths & Science subjects

• Was in her school musical last year!
• doesn't like team sports, but does well at stuff like climbing and archery
• considered to be an extremely capable patrol leader at Scouts, and had been since 11.5yo.
• still quiet, but lots of friends
• struggles a bit with writing, but able to keep up with all school work.

You can't look at a 2yo and know the future.

13 months is quite average for walking? My kids were 15 months and 21 months before they walked properly. Both have developed just fine and are reasonably sporty now.

I think you have a skewed vision of what behind us. My daughter began CRAWLING at 12months, walking at 15months. So she was always in the "later" category. Her speech was also in the "later but normal" range.

She now has a diagnosis of dyspraxia and a learning difficulty.

@LightSwerve i want stories of children who are academically below average and have always been. It's great some children thrive and excel despite what might be considered 'late' early milestones. but everything I have read (academic literature ,developmental info) suggests that early delay in milestones = below academica average particularly around speech.

For better or worse (well worse) I come from a family, where only academic success and independence was praised. There was abuse, it was miserable and there was little love. I am trying hard not to recreate that but I genuinely honestly want to know how non academic children (or children who aren't particularly academic) 'do'. So much emphasis is placed on these early milestones that I feel like if she isn't meeting them, then there's a big problem.

In relation to encouraging her speech, I (and my partner) read and talk to my child endlessly. We have done SLT courses. We have done makaton signing classes. We have guidance up around the house about how we need to ask less questions, leave space for her to talk. We do turn taking in talking. We respond positively to words she attempts to say even if they don't mean anything. Tv time is limited and we aren't a household where it (or radio or music) is on as background (not that there's anything wrong with that, just I've read it can be difficult for language acquisition). There's probably more I can do.

@PurplePansy05 I was referred to the child psychologist by another mental health service because I was so worried about her development. The psychologist has broadly commented that my daughter seems a 'little late' in getting to all her milestones. So - delayed.

Are you not in the UK? There was a mum on here the other day whose 2.5yo was still not walking and they were in a waiting list of 1 year for assessment! I know it must vary by area, but it's surprising to hear that you have been able to see a psychologist so quickly just for "concerns about development" if you are in the UK and others are left in limbo for so long

Anyway. The window for walking is most commonly 10-18 months, so 13 months is basically right in the middle. It would be concerning (require investigation) if a child is not walking by 18 months. I don't understand why (a) a child psychologist is weighing in on walking age when surely this is something that should be assessed by a peadiatrician, physiotherapist or OT - and (b) why they consider 13 months late?

Putting words together at 2y2m is also fine - at 2, it would be concerning if they are saying less than 25 words. In terms of putting words together, it is concerning if they are not doing this by age 3. So this is not a problem at all.

Under EYFS, counting is listed as a "children should be learning to..." skill for age 3-4. So being able to count at 2 is again not behind (and TBH, children who can count at age 2 are generally just parroting a list of numbers - they do not usually understand the meaning that the word two represents the idea of two objects yet).

Jumping (two-footed) is expected by age 3. Before children learn to jump you might see them stand and bob up and down, as though dancing. You might also see them approximate jumping by "jumping" from one foot to the next (no specific ages given for these, but if you see them, that means they are working on skills which lead to jumping).

If you can access speech therapy then brilliant - in the US they seem to refer for this much earlier and it seems to be better.

I do have a child (age 5) that has snuck just under the "OK" milestones for things until he got to about 4 and then he was hitting question marks and now he is 5 he is more behind - so I do understand that worry. We are going through some assessments etc now.

My child had development delay.... everyone I took her too said not to worry. Health visitor said I was an over anxious first time mum, as the months went by it became more evident that there was a serious delay, then what few skills she did have, she lost. We ended up researching all her symptoms ourselves, and thought she had a genetic disorder. She's 20 now but can't walk talk or eat. Has a colostomy bag too but is the absolute light of my life whose smile lights up a room and warms your soul. When she was formally diagnosed, they said she had a very severe form of this genetic disorder and likely wouldn't live past 3 or 4 . She continues to prove everybody wrong with her strength. She's amazing

My experience is exactly your good news story. Toddler highlighted as speech delayed and potentially SEN. Saw a paediatrician at 4 who wouldn’t diagnose a SEN. Refused to pick up a pen or pencil and would spend all their time doing their own thing. Incredibly stubborn. Absolute refusal to do things at school. Was always a good reader though so maybe that means something.

Anyhow started to change in year 4 and now one of the most academic in year 6. Expected GD in SATS. I now say to any parent who chats to me in your position to give the child time. I think when they are as young as your child you just can’t tell.

I knew there would be a family history like this: For better or worse (well worse) I come from a family, where only academic success and independence was praised. There was abuse, it was miserable and there was little love. I am trying hard not to recreate that but I genuinely honestly want to know how non academic children (or children who aren't particularly academic) 'do'. So much emphasis is placed on these early milestones that I feel like if she isn't meeting them, then there's a big problem.

I think you need to get some help for YOUR issues with academic success. There are extremely happy people of all levels of academic attainment. Your thinking is the issue here, you are dragging the negative messaging of your past into your DD's future.

I can't comment on the speech as both my kids had very 'good' speech by 2 so not sure where the line is drawn between acceptable and a delay, but the walking comment is ridiculous! Anything up to 18 months for walking is completely normal as per NHS website and the ages and stages questionnaires that the health visiting teams do. Loads of people I know didn't have their kids walking at 13 months, neither of mine were. My DC1 walked at 16 months after being a bum shuffler from 11 months old , at 5 she does swimming and performing arts classes and whilst she's definitely not the most athletic child of her age group she certainly is within realms of 'average' and doesn't stick out at all physically.

This is bonkers. Your DD sounds completely and utterly normal. DS1 didn’t move at all until close to 12 months. I considered his speech to be pretty advanced , but I’d say he was only slightly ahead of your girl at 26 months. You must know that walking at 9 months and sentences at 15 months (absolutely struggling to believe that one) isn’t remotely the norm??

Whoever referred you to SALT and a child psychologist should be ashamed. I only hope/presume you aren’t in the UK. It was entirely unnecessary and all it’s done is worsened your anxiety about your completely normal sounding daughter.

Sorry - I've seen that I haven't really answered your question.

DD is now 10. She has lots of friends and tries hard at mainstream school. I've had to battle to get extra help for her. She has a speech problem that I've been warned may always be there, despite years of speech therapy (that I also had to fight for).

She finds life hard I would say. Although she has lots of friends, she is very immature and is behind socially. High school will be awful I think. I've come to terms with the fact that university may not be an option. I just want her to have a job that pays the bills and makes her happy now. I know she will likely be perfectly contented in a job that I would hate.

It does affect our relationship. She finds it hard to put into words any feelings/thoughts. I feel like I have a 3 year old sometimes. This means as she grows I don't feel close to her. I feel like I spend so much time trying to teach her to be independent/use cutlery/speak clearly that I don't really have a motherly bond? I'm just the educator and protector. I hope this changes as she grows up. Being a parent of a child with SEND is not something I would choose. I know some people like to say that they wouldn't change their child for the world but if I could wish her difficulties away I would do it at the drop of a hat.

Walking at 13 months is very much within the normal range (up to 18 months has no cause for concern), at 26 months many do not put 2 words together yet. Your dc i would say was very much on track or "normal" whatever that means!

My dd2 was nearly 3 before linking words and is very much a high achiever now! Shes an adult so I can conclusively say speaking late made no difference to her.

My son didn’t say anything beyond individual words until he was 3. He was referred to speech therapy but but by the time the appointment came through he’d come a long way very fast and got discharged immediately

he’s now in year 6 and “exceeding” in all areas at school and just passed a grammar school exam

I think there’s a good chance your dd will be absolutely fine