Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

I was in an NCT group that were a bit like that. I’m not in touch with them anymore. I made a nice small group of friends through toddler group and I still see them a few times a year though our dc are now doing GCSEs.

Your NCT group sound weird and overly competitive. Which probably means they are lying/embellishing certain things in order to fit in with the group.

@HuntingForChicken ah that sounds so nice. Yes, I would really benefit from having mum friends who are perhaps different to the ones I met through the group. Hopefully I can make some going forward.

@BertieBotts I think when I'm at my least anxious and most objective I can see it for what it is, which is there are two mothers who are both quite competitive, so any comment from either of them leads to a back and forth of oneup(mother)manship about which toddler can do what (in a very nice, polite way). I know some people can just step back from it and it not bother them. I find it so destructive (to myself) and I'm worried this is what all groups of parents are like, I'm assuming not - as people on this thread have not been like that at all!

All groups of parents are definitely not like that. In my friend group, we don't even ask/talk about what GCSE grades DCs got - we just say "they got what they needed to go to sixth form" or similar. People tend to downplay achievements if anything.

I also wanted to say that as somebody who is very academic, with lots of academic children in the family, that being academic is definitely NOT an automatic route to enjoying school or thriving at life. IME, the less academic kids are the ones who are happier, find making friends easier, and get on better at school. I also work with a lot of very academic people, and a more neurotic, overthinking bunch you could not hope to meet.

You sound like a lovely mum, and your DD sounds gorgeous.

@Ankoredown I’m sorry you’ve had a tough and anxious time. Your group friends don’t sound very helpful. Friends should make you feel better about yourself, if this isn’t happening I’d find new ones.

I won’t disagree with the professionals but I would say that children develop at different times. Tick boxes and charts are crude measurements of complex development. Nothing you’ve written sounds out of the ordinary compared to my children.

One was a very slow walker (15m) and slow talker but is now a competitive gymnast, A team sports team member, excellent musician and top 10% of her class on academics. She was bottom half for maths and behind 18m ago then something clicked and is now top few. It ebbs and flows.

Another of mine was exceeding on all younger milestones but is now average. And that’s ok, she’s happy and trying hard. She won’t be winning academic scholarships and she won’t be in the A team for hockey, but I’m sure she will find her way and succeed. Oddly she’s ‘sharper’ than her academic sibling, but just doing things her way.

Maybe it would be useful to step away from measuring and accessing, it doesn’t seem to be making you feel better. Enjoy your daughter (who sounds lovely) for who she is, watch her grow and learn at her pace. When she’s at school you’ll know more and be able to encourage her in a way that suits her learning style, and you can find an education that suits her needs, be it academic or sporting or creative.

OP, you do realise many, many parents bullshit about their children being prodigies, geniuses and God else knows what, the eighth miracles of the world. It doesn't make it true. It's not what you should strive for in parenting anyway.

What you do is nod politely, laugh inside and decide to cut them out as they're toxic and you don't need that in the unhealthy frame of mind that you're clearly in. You have a healthy, well developing child and zero gratitude, pause and think how unhealthy this is. It's your job to change your thinking, not your daughter's.

@PurplePansy05 @SaltyGod @myphoneisbroken ❤thank you.
It's heartening to hear that. i read somewhere (quite possibly MN) that nodding and saying 'oh you must be very proud' is a good easy response to parent brags. It's nice to hear that lots of parents (or at the very least some) are not doing this all the time.

@myphoneisbroken i agree with your point about being academic and impacts on happiness etc. I was a high achieving child (academically), but that did not reflect happiness or contentment then or now.

Indeed, I've been a high achiever all my life and a top scorer in many (but not all) areas, did it make me happy? No. I definitely paid my price in anxiety, not celebrating myself or my achievements, not looking after myself and not being in the moment. Having your LO is your time to change this @Ankoredown for you and for her. I'm glad you know this deep inside, please get yourself out of these awful circles around you, you will be so much happier and you'll start enjoying motherhood. In many ways I parent opposite to what I was shown at home and it's hard, but definitely right for me and DS.

All of that sounds totally normal for a 26 month old. Totally, totally normal. Even if she had been late walking (and numerous people have told you she wasn’t), she’s hitting normal milestones now. So not delayed.

Jumping - everything I can find suggests jumping happens between age 2-3, and it is only a cause for concern if they can jump by age 4. This is one example - only 50% of children can jump by their 2nd birthday.

Your NCT group sounds a bit mad tbh! The questionnaire thingy is just a range of stuff they might be able to do. They don't have to do all of it by any means. I can't imagine anyone seriously claiming their child could do it all.
My toddler really is behind on quite a few things and sometimes I find it hard when other people say things even if they don't mean to make comparisons. I found the bluey baby race episode really helpful! Also just remembering that our children are their own people and not extensions of us.

Also you don't have to participate in these conversations if you don't want to or even hang out with these people.

You can't change how other people behave but you can change your response to it. See this as a chance to change your mindset as you still have school in front of you and many "milestones" in life.

Also want to echo what PPs have said. I know lots of very academic people and lots of them have really struggled in life!

@Snowonthebeachx ah that is a great episode. I watched it yesterday for the first time and cried. Good old bluey.

Thank you. You are, like many PPs, right. Weirdly, in the moment with my daughter I get lost and tend to enjoy her and / or been taken up by frantic chaos which is toddler life. It's all the thinking time around it where the brain demons lie.

I think your NCT group is not helping. I found this with mine a bit earlier than this. The problem is that the children are almost EXACTLY the same age so it's hard to not compare.

I found other friends whos children are 6Months-year older, and it made such a difference as they weren't hitting milestones at the same age and they ended up in different school year groups.

@Ankoredown if you are still on here, I would be so grateful to hear how you and your lovely DD are getting on? I’ll be honest, I recognise a lot of my own anxiety in your writing. I really hope you are both doing well.

Why is a child psychologist seeing your child? Is there more to this? Or is it someone you know, who has chosen to comment adversely ( and wrongly) on your child’s physical development? Be careful who you listen to.
Plenty of posters have told you that 13 months is not late to be walking, it’s not even on the late side of average. Of the babies I know, none of them walked before a year old, and more than half didn’t walk till 18 months. A family baby wasn’t walking at 17 months, and we were told it was within the limits of normal.
If you were told by the CP that your child not walking till 13 months was delayed development, then they were wrong and I’d query their motivation.
As for speech, I can tell you that DC1 had about 50 words at 22 months ( I know because being an anxious parent of a pfb I wrote them all down) DC2 was talking in sentences at about 14 months, and DC3 didn’t start talking till he was almost 3. They are grown up now and if you met them you wouldn’t be able to tell which was the late talker.
You are stressing too soon. Just enjoy your baby, and think about spending less time with people who criticise her. Keep talking and singing and reading to her. The HV being worried about weight gain and failure to thrive is not the same as DD being developmentally delayed. If your DD was breastfed, that might be a reason for slow weight gain, and is often misunderstood by HVs. Has she reached an appropriate weight now?
Of course it is possible that your DD does have developmental delay, but nothing you’ve said suggests there is a major problem. And I can tell you that in my years of teaching, I ve not seen slower children being bullied. Children just want to play with other children who are fun and happy and kind. Sometimes the slower ones hang out together, especially if their interests are different from other classmates but by no means always. They bond over things like art and music and sport and humour and interests in nature and animals.
I think you should focus on creativity and fun. Things like making a picture with leaves, acting out a story, puddle jumping, dancing to music, looking under stones, doing things where measuring progress is not part of the plan.