Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

When they’re this young especially, comparison is definitely the thief of joy OP.

I can hear the weight of responsibility in your posts and how hard you want to get it right. May this be down to your own past? It sounds like you also don't have a long experience of babies, which so many of us don't until there is one in our arms that we have to keep alive!

The failure to thrive thing is Failure To Thrive, it's a category on a form and it's useful because it means setting additional targets/monitoring/strategies - it's not an observation or an emotional response or a judgment on you or your child.

I've two children. With the exact same approach one talked into sentences at 15 months and one it until after 3 years. The latter one is organised, calm, independent, able the older one is chaotic, disorganised, outdoorsy and very determined.

I'd advise pulling back from your peer group - not socially but perhaps comparatively. Parents of older and adult kids have seen it all before and are good for perspective.

What I've learned most of all is that it's the system that should be examined often more than the child. Your child will grow, unfold, develop in their own incredible way and at some points the system will overlap to different degrees. There are a hundred million ways to live and that's where the excitement lies. Compare the system to the child and se if it's right, not the other way round.

I can hear how much you're doing, it sounds like your child already has what they need.

Your child is not delayed

The psychologist has broadly commented that my daughter seems a 'little late' in getting to all her milestones. So - delayed.

please note that a little late and delayed are not the same at all. Delayed is a very specific term professionals use and usually results in further tests. I’d encourage you to go and talk to your GP or HV to help you piece together everything that has been said to you. It will likely reassure you. Also just because your child was failure to thrive at 6 weeks doesn’t mean that she is now. It could have been anything - a feeding problem, reflux …so many things but it’s not indicative of her development now.

Which professionals have said she is delayed? Because. As a "professional" I would say she isn't.

Gently, I think you need to try and rein in your anxiety if you can and do some watchful waiting before you write her off as delayed

Your child doesn't sound developmentally delayed.
Academic success is just one aspect of a persons talents and achievements and not the be all and end all.
If you keep comparing in this way you are going to find parenthood very difficult not to mention the negative effect it will have on your child.
Stop comparing and think about what is important in life ie happiness and security not academic success.

Sorry, I really should learnt to read the full thread before replying....

Firstly "failure to thrive" at 6 weeks is NOT a dev delay. It's failure to thrive, not putting on weight. Entirely different. SHOULD NOT be used as part of evidence for "delay". This is nonsense.

As for a child psychologist saying 13 months is late... get a different psychologist as this one is talking out of their arse. Are you sure that what's they were?! They need some robust feedback on their erroneous knowledge of normative child physical development.

Again l, the speech does not seem overly concerning, although not my area of direct expertise.

You are preparing yourself for something that as yet has almost no evidence to suppose the fact it will ever become an issue.

I'm baffled as to how walking at 13 months could be deemed as late. I thought anything between 9 and 18 months was the normal range. DC1 walked at 15 months and DC2 13/14. DC1 barely made a noise until 24 months but has been bilingual since beginning to talk, DC2 has been gabbing non stop since 6 months. DC1 is considered gifted by school and DC2 headed the same way despite huge differences in the beginning.

What other concerns are there OP?

OP, my child was very prem. By the age of 3, we were well into Makaton and Speech Therapy. She had 12 words. She was developmentally delayed and needed intervention as the one side of her body was considerably weaker than the other. If I ever saw a new health professional, I needed to explain that there was a reason she was around the 1st centile on the growth chart.

One day, when she was 3.5 I was driving the car and she spoke with a full sentence. I genuinely wondered who was talking in the back.

She was mainly silent for the 1st year of school- she could speak but chose not too. Then suddenly, everything dropped into place when she was about 6. All you can do is keeping going with the Makaton, we did lots of exercises at home, we chatted all the time, we sang to her- I worked on the assumption that even though she didn't speak, she could understand what I was saying. I spent years reading to a silent child- we coloured, played and I chatted away the whole time.

She wasn't bullied at school- we just explained that she could understand, she just wasn't ready to speak yet. My advice would be to focus on now- what can you do to help your child now; and try to not worry about something in the future.

I haven’t made friends who have children who are doing anything but exceeding all developmental stages in every area.

I think this might be part of the problem. You know most other parents talk massive rubbish about their babies, right?

OP think about it, in what way is a psychologist qualified to talk about a physical milestone? If you broke a leg you wouldn't be treated by a psychologist would you? That would be a doctor qualified in orthopaedics. Any physical development needs/concerns to be assessed by a paediatrician. Even the nursery can only assess against generic criteria.

As per pp, I'm always a little bit suspicious about people assessing a child under 2 unless serious concerns. Honestly OP, the best thing you can do is to accept your DD for who she is, advocate for her if necessary but stop predicting the future based on arbitrary milestones. I would also think about seeing your own GP to access therapy for your own anxiety as it seems quite extreme.

I'm amazed your child was referred!
Nothing you have said sounds like a case for concern (I work with children with special needs and have a child with complex needs)
However, you are concerned and professionals have said that milestones are late.
I can tell you that my dd1 and 2 had similar 'milestones' although they were both later in walking (16 and 20 months respectively) I had no concerns apart from dd2's walking, as she only bum shuffled and it turned out she had hypermobile ankles.
They are now 16 and 17, doing ALevels, dd1 is on course to get straight As and dd2 similar. Dd2 is dyslexic.
Ds sat at 15 months, stood at 30 months, then walked with a walker, he was non verbal until he was nearly 5.
He is now 13 and very chatty although sometimes a little unclear. He has some mobility issues. He has learning disabilities. He attends a special school where he is happy and popular.
All 3 are funny, work hard, get on (most of the time!), have friends...they are fantastic. All 3 have had hard times, where they have struggled, fallen out with friends, been anxious, unwell and needed help.
I have had fun with all 3 of them, been driven mad by all 3 of them and been enormously proud of all 3 of them. I have also fought for all 3 of them, to get help when they needed it and to make sure they do as well as they can.

HNRTFT,just got home from work. Stop comparing your child with others ! FWIW my children all varied with walking between 11months and 14 months
Talking a full sentence between 2years and 3.5 years!
They are all different .
Children all in their 20s and are all normal human beings.
Am so glad that the internet wasn’t a thing when they were little people.
Not every child will get to Oxbridge and as long as they are decent,hardworking adults then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Enjoy your child and stop comparing.
Also my granddaughter didn’t say two words together ,until 2.5 years and she is a normal thriving 4 year old who now doesn’t stop talking and vocabulary exceeds her Mum and Uncles at that age . Relax and enjoy!

DS was like this- developmentally a bit behind but not significant, but enough for referrals to be made. At 7 we still have speech issues but they are very niche and he’s actually outgrown the initial issue.

DCD diagnosed which explains why he couldn’t climb or jump aged 3.

But he loves school, is bright and with a decent OT is doing well. I get frustrated he falls through the gaps- NHS OT only help those in the 5 centile or less and he’s 9th centile. But he’s progressing and happy.

Thank you all. I really do appreciate people saying she doesn’t sound delayed. I’m basing my conclusions on what I’ve been told by professionals. And no perhaps a psychologist isn’t someone to give a view in child development but she did, and I believe(d) her - I don’t have faith in my own view of my child so I do absorb totally what professionals say.

it’s really heartening to hear stories of children thriving whether that be socially, academically or with other things they enjoy. I really do appreciate everyone who has shared their/kids stories.

You’re conflating so many different things: what on earth does adult intelligence or success or popularity or ANYTHING have to do with age of walking or any of these developmental milestones?! Nothing!

a v basic google of the nhs website will show what everyone here is telling you: that it is normal for children to not walk until 18 months. 13 months is bang on.
the psychologist you were speaking to was talking nonsense (and frankly what qualifies a psychologist to comment on a child’s physical abilities anyway?)

consider getting yourself into some therapy. What you’re doing here is catastrophising wildly and if you carry on like this it could end up affecting your daughter.

I didn't walk until I was two but spoke full sentences by one. My nephew (closer to my age than my sister, his mum) walked by 9 months and didn't talk until 2.

We both have postgraduate degrees and professional, well paid jobs.

Kids develop at different rates, please don't worry about your baby.

At two it is really far too early to say! DS didn’t walk until about 15 months, but then turned out to have excellent motor skills (very confident on the climbing frame, riding a bike aged 3, brilliant swimmer, does gymnastics, football, tennis and rugby, you name it).

He didn’t say much at all until about 2, beyond Mama, and “there”, but then words all suddenly came in a rush and I have videos of him at 30 months having long conversations about wanting me to ring my DM on my phone and show her something he’d painted, or how he couldn’t go and get in the bath because he was too busy looking for something.

He is exceeding expectations in all areas at school at the moment. He isn’t the cleverest in the class, but he is doing pretty well.

@HazeyjaneIII thank you. It’s useful to have this perspective from parents with more than one child who have different skills and likes and different support needs. It’s great to hear the specialist school is working well for your son.

My development at age 2 wasn't brought up at my last end year review at work...

My child walked at 20 months (but never fell, just could walk and run and not fall over all on the same day)
Age appropriate to speak but couldn't progress to sentences.
Academically low (he's now 11)
Slight speech delay.
The PROGRESS! We've worked very hard.
Very very able physically. Can do everything his friends can and more.
Switched on with common sense. Makes me coffee and breakfast if I ask (has been doing this since 7)
Kind hearted and a stickler for rules.
Lots of friends.
Has a diagnoses of ADHD with autistic traits.
Happy and doesn't overthink

OP, if your daughter walked at 13 months and is now 26 months, how are her motor skills now? Is she steady on her feet? Can she run? Does she do swimming lessons or go to the pool with you? Go on a slide or climbing frame? Go upstairs? Has she caught up, or does she still have a motor delay?

How about fine motor skills - what is her grip like, can she make block towers etc? Can she use a spoon, or pick up small objects?

I just cannot comprehend why a parent would have their child assessed by a psychologist at 2 !!OP you need to get your anxiety checked.

Ds didn’t speak until 2 1/2.

In reception he was described as being around the bottom of the class. By 6 he had a massive vocab, but could hardly read.

diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia at 7 with an IQ of 136

Got 13 GCSES, 3 A levels and is a journalist on national media.

My son met all his early year milestones before the average age. Fast forward to now, he has selective mutism and is academically working towards meeting expectations.

Yes, he is below average academically but he is who he is and given his circumstances he has still managed to establish a lovely friendship group who happen to be high achievers.

Although he isn't achieving expectations in the core subjects he absolutely thrives in art and music. I am so unbelievably proud of him and his friends always look out for him.

In terms of talking to other parents and play dates, I honestly don't think we have ever spoken about their academic abilities, they are just kids, peers to each other, they might be at different levels of learning but they genetally still have the same interests when it comes to down time and playing.