Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

To echo PPs, there is a big difference between ‘a little late’ and developmental delay.

It sounds like you just got what you wanted to hear. Also, if it was an NHS referral then surely it’s a massive waste of time and resources to see an anxious parent about a baby not walking at 13 months? Did you consider this?

The more I read this the more I wonder if you have misinterpreted a comment e.g. the psychologist said something like "13 months is a bit on the later side but nothing to worry about" (even though this is factually incorrect, I don't think psychologists generally get training in physical milestones, so she might have thought it was true). As in they may have been trying to reassure you. "A bit late" is the phrase that you keep repeating but that is not the same as delayed.

The whole academic success thing is maybe something to look at therapy for you to process? But honestly you can't tell academic success by milestones like walking and talking. They say Einstein himself didn't talk until age 4 or something. The main reason that we have lists of milestones etc to look at is in case the cause is something physical - e.g. sometimes children are slower to talk because they have a hearing problem, which could be something like glue ear (a build up of wax).

The best thing you can do to support your 2yo in their academic and social development - play with them. Talk to them. Read books (whatever they like to read - follow their lead). RIE parenting approaches have some great tips for cultivating a habit of observing your child and seeing them for who they are and their strengths. Celebrate and get to know her. Not a checklist.

Remember that you always notice what other children do that yours does not, you don't notice what other children don't do that yours does.

Even if there is any kind of delay or condition or neurodivergence, one of the most powerful things you can do for your child to advocate for her is find her strengths. Focus on those. What is she passionate about? What makes her belly laugh, what fuels her curiosity? Don't focus on fears and what if and she-might-never - what can she do? What makes her world go around?

There have been exceptional people with all kinds of challenges.

I have a degree in early childhood studies. Your dd sounds absolutely fine. I was going to come on to this thread and reassure you by talking about my 10 year old son who has moderate learning disability. Who walked aged 2.5 years and wrote his name aged 8. Who is holding his own in mainstream primary school. But your child doesn't sound remotely delayed to me.

My son didn't walk until 15 months. He hardly spoke until he was three. It never even crossed my mind there was anything remotely unusual about him!! He's 7 now, literally never stops talking, ever. He isn't keen on walking, instead he prefers to run everywhere. Babies and kids are all different, they do stuff and develop in their own time.

Chill out. Don't Google. Step back and enjoy your gorgeous little toddler. Don't waste precious time comparing (how are you gonna cope once kiddo starts school 🙈).

Your child isn't 'behind'! My eldest didn't walk until 18 months and is now at school and is doing great. You're worrying about nothing.

@elliejjtiny Early childhood studies must be so interesting, are there any books / textbooks you'd recommend?

My middle dd didn't walk until nearly 15 months, didn't crawl etc, had speech therapy for years (speech therapist said she had the worst articulation disorder she had ever encountered) she was diagnosed dyslexic when she was about 8 and went to a special reading school for 2 years. She has a masters degree now and is successful at work, she is still a bit socially awkward but has made friends and has a decent social life. I have 5 dc of various intelligence and ability and if there is one thing I have learned its that your child is exactly as they were designed to be, all you can do is love them unconditionally and support them them as best you can, they will find their way in the world.

I meant to say that in primary school she was in the bottom 25% in the class, by the time she left secondary school she was in the top 25%.

13 months is not even close to being delayed for walking. I’m a childcare provider, and I’d say that more of my toddlers have been later than 13 months than before it.

I’ve also had a few referred for speech, but turns out they were just slow starters and all were yapping up a storm by 3. Speech is one of the skills with a much bigger range.

Your dc is not developmentally behind . Both mine didn't walk till nearly 14mths, one spoke in sentences by 2yrs the other didnt start putting words together properly until 2yrs. Both were at the lower end of the curve for growth/height. They weren't top of the class either when they started school, the august born one was middle sets/average the May born one was behind & in lower sets and needed a lot of help. Fast forward the older has graduated and working in a fantastic graduate job, the second is at a top uni.

You're worrying about nothing.

This is such a good post. I totally agree.

My son has turned his physical handicap into the thing that people remember about him in a very competitive profession. He's the one with the... And people do remember him. I used to worry so much because at school, he got bullied for being who he really was. Now, it's his strength.

I think you sound lacking in joy yourself OP if you cannot recognise that a happy child doesn’t need to be academic OR good at “other” things like arts or building.

examine in yourself why you need a child who “does” things. Maybe look at feeling things instead of doing things.

make a happy life, not a competitive one. With this current attitude you’ll quickly zap the joy from all creative outlets too.

@HuntingForChicken im sorry - I didn’t intend to be offensive but that is what has happened and I’m sorry.

To be clear I have been directly told by a child psychologist, the nursery and a SLT that my daughter has some level of developmental delay. It seems unlikely they are all wrong? Maybe it is the combination of things my daughter cannot do that has caused concern. I haven’t said my daughter has additional needs rather she is clearly reaching milestones below average as told to me by a number of different professionals.

soenone else said about being referred to a psychologist for not walking at 13 months and that being a waste of NHS - that isn’t why we were referred or why we were seen. It was in an assessment session where it was discussed (in fact it was also discussed with the SLT which I paid for privately) and both commented that 13 months is late - I think the SLT said it was not walking ‘on time’ whatever that might be.

it is possible I have over interpreted professionals words - but im Not sure how else the following information can be interpreted: walking a ‘bit late’ compared to other children( psychologist). The SLT and the HV both state she has speech delay. The nursery have assessed her as working below her age range in all areas of development.

i have taken their comments seriously and at face value because why would I not?

and yes my anxiety eats me up and makes life miserable. I worry about her future and I haven’t made friends who have children who are doing anything but exceeding all developmental stages in every area.

i really do appreciate everyone who has posted and shared stories. It has genuinely made me feel less alone and also many of you have challenges ny mindset which is good - thank you.

Ds walked about 13 months, couldn't speak in sentences or say many words aged 2. He ended up in a language unit for a while. Whilst he was there, they talked about referring him for an OT assessment as they said he couldn't jump, etc. He was fine. He's 12 now, in mainstream (has been for years). He plays rugby, swims brilliantly, and is hitting every target in all subjects and above average in two.

In the nicest possible way, OP, give your head a wobble.

your dc is 26 months. At 26 months my dc1 had not spoken. He wasn’t walking until 17m. He’s fine. He’s in Y13 now and has an offer from Oxford. He has 11 GCSEs, including 9 at grade 9. And he can also walk and talk
just fine now.

Surely early milestones like that really aren't indicative of future academic ability, and a better place to look is the academic ability of the parents? Unless in the case of significant delay/SEN.

I couldn't tell you how many words my kids had at 2. But they weren't huge talkers then I know. My eldest didn't count to 5 until he was 2.5. But he's now 5, loves maths and asks to do it for 'fun'. But DH and I were both very academic children and did maths a level so it's not something I've ever worried about.

Even with physical ability, I know a few girls who walked at 9 months, my DS took until 15. But he rode a bike without stabilisers at 3.5 when they didn't 🤷.
Absolutely bizarre that an ed psych has said 13 months is late.

My eldest son did everything later than your child. He didn’t walk until 16 months and started speaking short sentences at 2.5. I did not see him as “below average” or delayed. He just did things in his own time. He is now an amazing 4 year old who is doing well in school but more importantly is happy, kind and is enjoying making friends.

@flexigirl thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to fight so hard to be heard Initially but what a resilient and strong child you have to defy all those ‘expectations’ ❤

@AlongCameMoi thank you for your honesty. That sounds really tough and I think it’s really important and powerful to be able to say it is what it is but yes this is difficult.

I haven’t said my daughter has additional needs rather she is clearly reaching milestones below average as told to me by a number of different professionals. It seems unlikely they are all wrong?

Sure, maybe they aren’t ‘wrong’ per se. Although I’m extremely suspicious of any medical professional happy to take your money to assess a child under 2. But, for talks sake, let’s say your DD is slower to reach milestones than 50% of her peers. Posters are trying to tell you it is highly likely to mean completely and utterly nothing long term. To extrapolate her being slower to meet milestones then her NCT buddies to being destined for a life time off ‘sticking out’ and ‘being unhappy’ is such a waste of your time and brain space when you could be enjoying her instead.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Just enjoy your little girl.

She's two why on Earth are you worrying about how academic she'll be?

My dd took a bit longer to talk and reach some of her milestones. She's nearly 18 now, at college and doing just fine.

You seriously need to stop worrying and start enjoying your dd.

@Nestofwalnuts thank you. That’s a really useful and heartening story to hear.

your son sounds lovely.

My DD was under a paediatrician, anything under 18 months for walking is considered normal so I honestly don't think you need to worry about 13 months.

My eldest was a little later than average to talk, never sought professional help and it suddenly clicked. You would never know when she stated school.

It's really not worth stressing about what might happen in the future. Just enjoy how she is now. Is she your eldest? I notice first borns tend to be slower than siblings who obviously copy the eldest.

I'm guessing that the speech delay might be in other areas than the usual counting words. I didn't realise that DS2 (5) had a speech delay until he was referred for speech therapy. He's hit all the milestones of having the right numbers of words etc - it's the structure of his sentences, lack of understanding certain things and some letters that he can't say properly that triggered the referral. However, I wasn't really aware of what exactly had triggered the referral when it was given to me. I think sometimes health professionals are a bit guarded when they recommend things, I thought DS was being referred for a lisp, it was only because I read the paperwork that I saw they also said that he wasn't understanding correctly for his age. Nobody pointed this out to me.

My guess is that we're all talking at cross purposes, if you've been told your child has a delay by professionals, then they have one. It just is very unusual in the UK to get that referral that early, and it would be very unlikely to get it done through those specific milestones that you mentioned. It's probably similar to what happened with DS, where there are certain patterns across all the different things where something has been identified. But try not to worry anyway. The earlier that these things get picked up, the better. You might be offered services like physio, OT, SLT etc. Whatever you get offered take it with both hands. Most people don't get access to these things.

13 months is simply not late for walking. The average is 14 months and the range is up to 18 months - only at this point will they consider it delayed and may look into it. Is she standing? The milestone for standing is 12 months. My eldest didn’t stand until 14 months and then walked 4 weeks later. She was thoroughly checked out, especially her hips but she was just delayed. She is 12 years old now and stands just fine and is thriving generally.

has she been accessed as having a speech delay or being behind average with speech?

either way try not to worry. Sometimes delays indicate a physical or developmental problem but more often the child catches up and goes on to thrive.