Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

My kids didn’t walk until 20 months! Now they’re older, perfectly normal and very bright.

They never tidy their bedrooms though! I suspect the late walking was a sign of laziness… 😂

Please don’t spend time worrying about future ifs, buts, and maybes x

Walking at 13 months “later than expected”? I’ve never heard such bollocks in my life.

13 months for walking is normal. My son did everything late (was nearly 2 when he started walking), didn't really learn to read properly until he was around 7. I assumed he would not be very academic but is now 13, in mostly top sets and described as very intelligent! However, I'm glad he had a slow start as I learnt not to worry how he compared to others and just celebrate his progress and enjoy his lovely character.

Oh bless you. My boy walked later than that, didn’t really talk until 3, refused to talk at school until he was in Year 1 and was generally slower to hit milestones.

He’s a teen now and is very ‘normal’ whatever that means, but is also the nicest child, who really understands what it’s like to struggle and not achieve straight away which has given him greater empathy than he otherwise may have had.

@RausageSoul a) great username and b) that made me lol

I remember overthinking everything when both my DS were wee. Just try not to give yourself a hard time x

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow wow! (Sorry it’s late and I can’t think of anything to else to add but just wanted to say wow!)

'I don’t have faith in my own view of my child'

Seriously OP, work on this. This is sort of the point of being a parent.

I had similar concerns with my first child … with the 2nd I’m way more laid back. But with my first, the professionals I met had no concerns that my daughter didn’t walk until 14 months and SLT had no concerns that she only knew animal sounds by age 2.
I was anxious but the same professionals that told me to chill out and wait to see them flourish in their own time are adding to your stress so I think it really depends on the professionals you get and it seems you’ve met a few worst case scenario ones.

I also think that there is such a pressure about foretelling academic achievement and obviously we want to encourage our kids to do their best. But let’s raise them first and foremost to be good, considerate, compassionate and kind humans which is more important than any grade.
At that time, I needed to hear more messages like don’t miss out on the moments of appreciating how uniquely wonderfully created and incredible they are by worrying about what may or may not be. Your child is a masterpiece! ❤️

Ps. After all the stress when she was 2, she is now 5 and loving school, gymnastics, fab school reports and never stops talking. I can hardly remember back to the days I would cry thinking she could only say baaa and moo. She’s still at speech therapy to help with some sounds .. but I’m told later talkers can take longer to get some sounds but it’s all coming. In their own time.

@Ankoredown I've been thinking about your post and I remember people dismissing my concerns even now he’s 7 I still go into appointments feeling nervous that people won’t believe me that there’s an issue. I think people are trying to be nice and often one thing on its own like not crawling/walking at X months isn’t cause for concern but when it’s combined with other things it builds into a wider picture. Also OT/SALT/peadiatricians/HVs don’t have time to look at children unless there’s a concern.

One thing that I know is controversial but the thing that has absolutely made all the difference for DS is going to a private school. In a state school in a class of 30 with some children with more significant needs than him he would drift along and would fall through the cracks of being toward the bottom but not so much so to require intervention. Now he gets taken out for 121 support and is in a class of 18 with one teacher and 2 TAs. I don’t like private schools as a general rule but it’s the right thing for my child. There’s a fair few like him- dyslexic or DCD and thriving in a smaller class size with more support.

I can rant for hours about what the Tories have done to our education system and how they’re failing children but that is for another thread.

Yes this!

Exactly half of the children ever born have been below average..

But also nobody is below average at EVERYTHING. And nobody is above average at EVERYTHING. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Please can you look at reframing what your daughter can do not what she can't. The statement 'I don’t have faith in my own view of my child so I do absorb totally what professionals say'. Is misplaced have faith in your views and opinions you know your daughter best.

I would suggest I would have been seen as average or below. I am dyslexic. I am now a higher rate tax payer with a loving husband and son. I have friends and I add to society. Please consider what 'success' means.

Just a little exercise and it may have to be as contrived as this every day write down 3 positive things that your daughter did. My mother had 'rose tinned glasses' and thought I was wonderful and would grow up to be a successful person. It becomes as self fulfilling prophecy.

My son may not be as advanced as some but he is loved and loving and dances like a loon. He is polite and kind. I don't measure him in academic/milestone success (he is 3). I look at the way he makes others feel.

OP im interested that you say you were referred to the child psychologist following seeing a different MH professional for something slightly separate? Am I right in thinking you may have quite bad health anxiety, which came to the attention of an MHP? I’d hazard a guess the MHP then suggested seeing a paed to RULE OUT your unfounded worries…. But it sounds like you’ve mis-heard or half-listened and stitched together the ‘worse’ sounding parts of a few conversations & conflated it in your head until it’s ‘confirmed’ your prior anxieties?

Im sorry if I’ve got this wrong, and I don’t mean to be critical. It’s just the sense I get.

I do really think you need some proper therapy / support with your anxieties and how they extend to your DC.

@witmum thank you for sharing your own experience and your child’s.

the impact of that confidence and positivity from your own mum sounds really significant. And I’m surrounded by other parents who really celebrate their child’s achievements and don’t reflect at all on what they cannot do (or at least don’t do so in public, and why should they). I find this overwhelming and their confidence makes me feel small - thats not their fault.

To be honest, referrals to a child psychoglist or educational psychologist are as rare as unicorn farts....even for children who have very obvious delays and atypical development.
If a mental health professional has suggested a child psychologist assessment, in order to allay anxieties that the OP has (obviously, I don't know if this the case Ankoredown)...then I would assume this would be through a private route.
I'm not sure if it's the best strategy, if this is the case, because professionals in this area may highlight anything outside of a very narrow bandwidth of 'typical'. This obviously confirms worries that may be had by someone who is anxious about this issue, and have the very opposite effect.
I really hope that you find a way to manage these anxieties, Ankoredown, so that it is easier to enjoy this journey with your child and manage pitfalls along the way without too much stress. ❤️

@StringTheory1 some of what you say is absolutely right. In that, yes I believe the anxiety I experience and express to professional is significant and that has prompted additional support.

I have done and continue to do some form of therapy. Nothing has shifted in 2 years, as in I am just as worried now as I was then and yes I see that probably points to the problem as residing in me.

I’m not just saying but this thread, and everyone’s responses, has genuinely been more helpful because it has given me an insight into how other parents feel about child development

I have friends that tell me that their children at 6 months are very intelligent. I just smile and wave, how lovely that is for them.

Competitive parenting is exhausting and I really try hard not to engage with it. Sometime I am a little rude with an eye roll but I find them rude by telling me how perfect their lives are. It is not real.

They will all find their own path just try to raise a good human and stop comparing.

There is no one route. The eat sleep and behaviour differently as they are humans not drones.

@Saschka sorry I misssed your questions last night.

she can run. She can climb. She goes on slides. She can do stairs up and down altho often bringing both feet together on the individual stair before doing the next which would appear to be ‘an issue’. She tries hard to jump but isn’t off the floor. I take her swimming and to a gymnastics thing every week. She can do a forward roll and likes going on her trike thingy. The (lack of) jumping seems like a big deal esp according to the ASQ and I don’t know another kid her age who can’t jump.

fine motor - she likes drawing and colouring, and cann use toddler scissors to cut and can build towers etc. she can turn door handles and unscrew very easy things eg toothpaste top. I don’t think she can do the stupid bead threading thing on the ASQ - she’s maybe done it a couple of times but she’s never been interested in at as an activity.

do sometimes wonder where they got the ASQ list from. Some of them seem very specific / random things but maybe the point is a child of whatever age ahohkd be able to pick up and do those things

If I remember rightly, with EYFS physical development tracker and SOGS (Schedule Of Growing Skills)...jumping is within a window up to 3 and walking down alternate steps is at the end of the 3rd year.
It really does sound as though, unless there are other concerns about development or reasons to expect issues, your dd is within typical range.

With the ASQ, have you filled in the circles on the first/last page (they seem to be arranged differently).

The idea is not that your child is expected to be able to do all of the things. It's an overview of what they might be able to do. It's only if they score below a certain threshold in any area that it needs any further investigation. There is also a shaded area which means "provide practice activities and wait" to give the child more time to catch up.

The point of this is because children do not develop milestones in a predictable linear way. When they are tiny babies then yes they'll learn to roll before they can sit up, they'll walk before they can run etc. But as you get into more complicated milestones you'll find that some children jump first and others concentrate on bead threading or whatever. So they offer a selection of things in each area. It would be very unusual to have a child tick every single box on every page of the ASQ.

OP, the point is not in your daughter having every single skill well developed, but to illustrate what she might be able to do within a certain age range. There's a range of skills there because toddlers develop at their own pace, some are quicker with physical skills, some with talking, counting, reading, artistic skills, dexterity, creative play etc....the list goes on. I still do not consider anything in what the professionals said to you as a justification for your thoughts. What it sounds like is them saying to you that she might not be the top scorer or super speedy, but that's perfectly fine. I RTFT and I was waiting for you to give actual examples of why you're concerned as a mum, ignore the professionals for the moment and ignore other parents and toddlers - what is it that actually makes you anxious about her development? But instead, the examples you gave reinforce that your DD is doing very well.

It's quite sad to read the language you use tbh. I think as a mum you need to recognise it's not right to continue the generational trauma that you clearly suffer from (and I have a lot of sympathy here, my father created a lot of similar trauma for me too). You have to do right by your daughter, and you have to do the right thing for you too. Please seek help to relieve this, I think you'll really struggle with parenting her if these issues are unresolved and she will be affected by it for life.

@PurplePansy05 thank you. You are right - I desperately do NOT want to replay my childhood into hers.

I don't trust my view on her. The 'trust your instinct' advice - doesn't work well for me precisely because the anxiety I experience seems to cloud judgement - or at least thats what I'm told. There is a long story behind it all (of course, when is life ever simple) but for many reasons, and past medical difficulties, my instinct is there is something dreadfully wrong. So I have advocated hard to get assessments, HV reviews, etc etc.

@witmum Yeh the competitive parenting I find dreadful and insidious. It feels like it's everywhere and every conversation turns from oh 'they like this toy' to oh well, My DD/DS can do this this and this and says this long complicated sentence when playing with a toy etc.

@BertieBotts whether true or not, the NCT group I am in - all the toddlers in it seems to doing al the ASQ items and more e.g. 'The HV told me my child is so advanced' or 'oh I know he's doing all the ASQ items for the next age group so i don't need an HV review'. So it feels like my child is behind based on these comparisons.