Tell me stories of your 'below average' child

[Ankoredown]

Hi

I have a DD 2 year old (26 months) who either has developmental delay or is just on the 'low end' of achieving milestones (for example, didn't walk til 13 months, has only recently started to put two words together and count, can't jump, cant speak in sentences)

Anyway. I've seen 'good news' stories of children who have some delay in early years going on to be top of class. And I also see lots of stories on MN about children who are very gifted, or who have significant additional needs.

I want to know what the reality is of having a child who is 'academically' or 'developmentally' a bit behind / below average / the low end of the curve?

What is their life like? do they stick out from their peers? As a parent do you feel able to fit into other parents conversations about what their children are/aren't doing? if that child is an adult now, what do they do? are they happy?

At the moment I feel like I can't talk about my child to other toddler parents because my child just doesn't seem to do even half of what other children her age can do. I'm worried that her life will be marked by sticking out for all the wrong reasons, and that school will be a miserable place for her.

Thank you

I wouldn't get too hung up on what your child can or cannot do at this stage.As others have said 13 months is definitely not late to be walking.DS was 14 months when he walked and not been behind his peers at all during his childhoood.He was a straight A student.
Just help your child achieve their own potential as they develop and try not to compare.

Ps re the walking, I was told by a child psychologist that 13 months was a 'bit late' to walk which is where I'm getting that from.

that is absolute cobblers. Mine were around that age and lots were later. My niece who has just excelled at a-levels and gone off to uni, didn’t walk until she was 2. 13 months sounds bang on average among the (many) babies I know. Some walked at 9/10 months but very much the minority

What life looks like for those 'below average ' - you are surrounded by people working, having families, enjoying watching or taking part in sport, culture, crafts etc - in other words, living a normal life. Some jobs you need a higher IQ or better manual dexterity but plenty are more about working well as a team, turning up and being consistent. I think the narrative of you can be anything you want to, reach for the stars etc rubbish that is spouted at school is quite harmful. You can have a happy and fulfilling life a bit lower than the stars, and no, you can't all be brain surgeons but that's ok.

Mine walked around 13 months. Dc2 didn't speak. She grunted and pointed. Now she won't stfu.

My pfb was going to be a genius; so articulate, so sharp etc etc. He did voraciously and was miles ahead in reading, but it's all balanced out. He's OK in school. I would rather he had some friends and was confident enough to leave the house, other than for school.

Oh and my DC walked at 22 months but he does triathlon now so all fine!

My youngest Ds had a speech delay, and when he started nursery at 3 his speech was unintelligible to anybody but me! It didn’t improve massively until around 6 (he had SALT) but it’s never been a barrier to making friends. From starting nursery at 3 he’s had constant play date invites. It did impact his phonics so he didn’t read until a few years after his peers, however he was never picked on about this, and his confidence is amazing!

Just ignore toxic milestone comparisons, although to be frank when you have your first child, life seems to revolve around that but people tend to talk only about the good stuff. Maybe focus the conversation on other things like activities you enjoy together or food they like, exchange recipes and stuff (although I have a very fussy eater so that is a sore topic for me seeing how other kids eat so much better). I am sure all the other parents have an area where they are concerned. I know many below average children who are very happy. In fact I am married to someone who used to be and always has been nd is the happiest person I know! Happiness is not directly proportional to talent or precociousness, I'd even day it can be quite the opposite!

Also a close relative is an orthopaedic surgeon and always said children should not walk or be actively encouraged to stand before 12 months!

A very long one - but hope it helps x

When my DD was young she was late talking. I was more concerned for her, as opposed to being concerned because I was comparing milestones with other parents. I actually didn’t know or pay attention to “key milestones” (didn’t read the books etc and had very non judgemental friends anyway), I just focused on the child with the knowledge of “around this time they should’ve walking - she was early with that so I didn’t give it much thought).

So back to the speech. She was late. Then had what I can only call selective mutism up to the age of around 6. She didn’t speak to anybody! Except me and super close family.

I spent most of that part of her life being asked by everyone “does she talk?” “What’s wrong with her”.

I agree with the PP, in these moment you can only be a cheerleader for them. I later figured her behaviour was anxiety as she became very vocal and able overtime at home. She developed a good vocab but still refused to speak.

She loved school/nursery but due to not speaking would wet herself because she wouldn’t ask; she wouldn’t communicate a bad day to teachers so when she came home she would be upset; when other children wouldn’t play with her because she needed to communicate she would be so so upset. I couldn’t snap it out of her.

when she was about 4/5 I started getting close friends and family and teachers to interact with her using non verbal communication methods. We tried a speech and language therapist through school and that process took so long, so I had to work with the teachers daily. One day she began talking to her friends, who became her mouthpiece at school. Then opening up to family friends; then eventually teachers. I couldn’t tell you what clicked for her.

she is a tween now and I would say very very social, a chatterbox (which nobody who knew her as a toddler can believe); has done so well in her Sats and had high grades, top set in secondary school.

However I am not pushy at all. When she was non verbal I still took her everywhere with me. I was never ashamed of her. She always had a Saturday school she was attending (drama was a no go, we tried and she just didn’t speak!); we went out and always had experiences, and I was constantly talking to her and still do.

I also have a friend with a DD who has a mobility disability and we’ve become very good friends; she is the most social mum, and she caters to her daughters needs in every way imaginable, to the point where her DD was never left out. Very confident girl. Became close friends with my DD. Her DD is in a grammar school for secondary. I’m adding this to show it’s not about what the outside looks like, it’s all about building confidence in our children.

It’s a long one, but what I want to show is that it doesn’t matter who or what your child is. Don’t give up on them. They will have strengths that you can see as a parent and it’s so important that you are patient; burn the milestone books if you have to and demand the support you need from schools/GPS, if you need it, when the time comes. And continue communicating with them as they grow.

My daughter hardly crawled and walked at around 13months. She's now a teenager aiming to be a professional athlete (currently competing at national level at her age) and doing PE GCSEs. Very popular and good at everything 👍

Stop comparing your child to others. You've labelled her as delayed as she didn't walk until 13 months. My DD now 16 didn't crawl, turn over, cruise at all, she just got up and walked at 18 months.

She's auditioned and got into a prestigious dance college, so late to walking clearly didn't affect her, and she's living her best life. She smashed all her GCSE's and is a normal teenager!

I mean this kindly but I do think a lot of this comes from your own background. You say yourself you were raised in an abusive household where academic achievement was the be all and end all. Please get some help to undo the damage that was caused during your childhood so you can prevent the cycle continuing with your own child.

The term the child psychologist used was "little late" you have translated that to mean delayed. It doesn't. "Delayed" is a technical term in child development, not one that can be randomly interchanged.

My DC had weight gain issues when very small (I was also told there was Failure to Thrive - an awful term that makes parents feel horribly guilty). This led to them not walking until 20months as they just didn't have the muscle mass and strength until then, and only speaking a handful of words at 24 months.

DC is now 8yrs old and routinely at the top of their class with spelling and maths test so no problems academically. They are also very creative, funny, kind and curious - they would have been all those things regardless of academic achievement. Focus on appreciating your child for who they are as a person and stop focussing on when milestones. They all get there eventually.

Im a portage teacher.

Your child wouldn't be referred to me.

My daughter was sooooo speech delayed at 2.5 she had maybe 20 (basically incomprehensible words). I was terrified.

She's now 6 and absolutely thriving- voted school counsellor for her class, reading well above average... and doesn't bloody shut up ❤️

I remember the worry, but it really is still early, stay positive.

Oh wow. At that age my child isn't jumping or speaking in sentences and he didn't walk until he was 19 months! I don't think of him as being behind

This is a very sad thread.

No child is below average, they are all amazing in their own way. Maybe she will be below average in maths, but above average in resilience or emotional empathy. Maybe she will be a bit rubbish at athletics, but really good at sewing, or music, or art.

Just love her for who she is, and her personality, and don't label her as 'below average'. I agree with pp, that you would probably benefit most from addressing the issues arising from the pressure for academic success in your own childhood.

Whatever a 'child psychologist' said, 13 months for walking is not below average, normal range is between 10

She is normal surely! My DS didn't walk til 17 months and second DS 15 months, I never thought they were behind or slow because of this. DS1 also had speech delay and didn't use 2 word sentences until age 3

I think you are expecting too much of her, genuinely she is doing fine from what you've said. Someone else's child will always be better at x than her, earlier at y than her etc it doesn't mean she's 'below average'

My autistic son, who also had some physical handicaps didn't walk until he was 17.5 months. Was in the 'remedial reading' set until age 9. Couldn't write his own name until he was 7.

He recently graduated with a first and has a full time job he loves, flat-shares with uni mates, has a girlfriend, hobbies, a good social life. Utterly normal and probably a fair bit above average. Still autistic, still physically handicapped and typically below average speed at learning how to do anything - his processing is slow and he doesn't pick up many things intuitively or instinctively - they all have to be explained and practised. But he gets there in the end, and once he has learned something, he can get super-good and fast at it.

My advice is, be patient. There is a range of basic skills people need to get through life, so teach them to your child. Don't pay any attention to the fact that other children pick up these skills at a certain age and your child lags behind. It matters WAY less than you think. What matters is that they learn key skills in the end - practical, social, physical, academic.

Your anxiety sounds exhausting. I think you need to seek help for yourself, not your little girl.

None of those things sound developmentally delayed to me. My son was much later to walk than 13 months... he's now in the top set (and top of that set) at grammar school and sitting triple science GCSE with a natural aptitude for STEM subjects. Oddly enough walking later than his peers hasn't impacted his ability to do so at 15...

There is nothing is your posts that implies your child is in any way delayed. Your OP is incredibly offensive to those of us who have children with addictions needs. Please check yourself before you take these judgments into the real world. If it is purely anxiety, get help for that and make sure your child feels your appreciation for their achievements.

re the walking, I was told by a child psychologist that 13 months was a 'bit late' to walk which is where I'm getting that from

that Is utter nonsense. there is a wide age range of development at that age - for talking, walking ect….. if you fall out of that range, I’ve found professionals take it very very seriously- it could indicate something is wrong. “Delayed” is a specific term professionals use when your child doesn’t meet milestones. The age range for walking is 10-18 months, so your child is not remotely delayed and not even a “bit late”. Ditto with speech - I’ve pasted a Scottish resource on speech development below.

https://www.lets-talk.scot.nhs.uk/tips-and-info/typical-development/18-months-to-3-years/

what is an average person anyway? People have strengths and weaknesses.

Wow… you are unusually critical.

my daughter didn’t walk until 13months. Not an indication of intelligence, by the way!

she’s now 17 months and although she babbles and communicates her needs, she doesn’t say any “real” words other than “yes.” Also not an indication of her intelligence.

Jesus Christ. Your daughter sounds fine, you on the other hand sound like you have a serious anxiety problem.

By the way, just because a child does something sooner than average doesn't make them 'bright'. They just did that thing sooner. Perhaps at the expense of something in else.