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Original poster

.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

483 replies

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:00

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 18:04

Yabu,sorry

LemonPeel · 18/10/2011 18:05

I can understand your point if you have not managed your first yet. Hopefully it will happen soon for you.

Feminine · 18/10/2011 18:06

YANBU to feel that way...

But try not to :)

PotteringAlong · 18/10/2011 18:06

Yabu.

People who are suffering from infertility are doing just that; suffering. They may know that they are lucky to have 1 dc but it doesn't mean not being able to conceive hurts any less

ElizabethDarcy · 18/10/2011 18:07

I know what you mean AD... I have tried to have a child for ten years... and the threads that complain about kids/trying for no.4 etc. do upset me a bit... however I then remind myself that my problem is not someone else's... and I have so much in my life... an amazing husband and a business that I love that is doing very well, a lovely home etc. and so many others have MUCH less than me... abusive/absent husbands, are out of work and struggling financially etc.

So yes, I make a point not to read certain posts like the one you describe, as my initial reaction is just that, a reaction, and not a response.. which is unfair to the poster.

RuthChan · 18/10/2011 18:08

I am so sorry that you are struggling to conceive.
It is such an upsetting situation to be in.
However, unfortunately, that terrible feeling can be just as strong for successive children as it is for the first.
The maternal need to have a child is equal in people who really want another child regardless of how many they already have.

OvOntToSuckYourBlood · 18/10/2011 18:08

Yanbu to feel like that but neither is anyone else unreasonable to moan about not being able to conceive dc 2+

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 18:09

I know where you're coming from but secondary infertility is just as painful, thinking of the sibling your first will never have, people asking all the time when will no 2 come along, running out of money after the first 6 attempts at ivf and knowing you can't afford to do the whole thing again

any infertility problems are heartbreaking

NoobyNoob · 18/10/2011 18:11

YABU - it's heartbreaking for everyone, weather it's your first or third it makes no differenc whatsoever.

EdithWeston · 18/10/2011 18:11

YANBU - you know it's hell for them too, but you also know you'd take every iota of their pain to have what they have.

But as you acknowledge, what is happening in your life isn't conected to theirs. Allow yourself your feelings, they are natural. But I don't think it would be wise to express them other than in the anonymity of the Internet.

projectbabyweight · 18/10/2011 18:12

YANBU, because it's the difference between being a parent and not Sad

AngryFeet · 18/10/2011 18:13

Sorry you are having such trouble and I hope it happens for you soon.

But people have the right to feel what they feel so it is unfair for you to project your feelings onto them.

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 18:13

It doesn't make any difference to you no. Of course it must be painful but it's really unfair to those people - and this site is full of them - to point it out. Especially as I've gathered that one of the particular 'things' about secondary infertility is a feeling that you are letting down the child you have because of your focus on having another.

Original poster
AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:15

I think projectbabyweight has hit the nail on the head. If you are TTC number 1 then you are not a parent at all. If you are trying to conceive 2/3/4/so on then you are a parent already and you have that privilege and joy. When you don't have it at all it feels especially hard.

OP posts:
PicaK · 18/10/2011 18:16

I know when I was trying for no 1 and I read that secondary infertility was as hard - though in a different way - I didn't really believe it.

But it is as painful. Let it go - avoid those posts. God knows infertility is emotionally draining - save your energy for you and your DP.

If you have the option of counselling please take it - otherwise the anger starts to eat you up (been there, got the t-shirt.)

ImperialBlether · 18/10/2011 18:16

Exactly, projectbabyweight!

How anyone can say that it's just as bad for someone who wants a second baby as it is for a childless woman to want one is just bizarre!

"It's just as bad for me...."

No it bloody well isn't!

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 18:19

I really don't think comparing situations or making judgements about the 'level' of pain is helpful and in all honesty I think this thread could turn very bad - OP any chance of pulling it?

projectbabyweight · 18/10/2011 18:19

Very emotive for everyone, isn't it.

Hope you have plenty of support in rl Wine Wine Wine

eaglewings · 18/10/2011 18:22

Having struggled ttc and then having had mc before my 2 kids were born and after my adopted dd had left home I know it is painful being 'childless' while mums complain about not being able tc again.

However on mums net you only get a snap shot of peoples lives.

Yes I have 3 kids and want tc another and am sad that I have had yet another mc but I do draw comfort from my kids too.

However I would like another child for various reasons, one being both DD1 and DS have problems and I would like DD 2 to have a sibling to be supportive with her when I'm older.

Again this is only a snap shot!

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 18:22

how do you know ImperialBlether? Are you them?

agree with NorthernLurker, you can't compare pain

it's like saying a young widow suffers more than an elderly widow, or a still birth is worse than a cot death, you just can't know that or compare - such levels of grief are incomparable and they are unique for every individual

AmberLeaf · 18/10/2011 18:24

YANBU

Its not the same.

I dont think this thread should be pulled.

Original poster
AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:24

I am not sure why it should turn out v. and therefore it should be pulled.

I suspect that most people will sit on either side of the fence depending on where they are now or where they have been in the past.

I know people have different perspectives and what is tough for someone else won't be tough for me. Surely a discussion board is about understanding that and trying to make sense of our personal viewpoints, as well as other peoples perspectives.

It's a hugely emotive subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:24

... turn out v. bad even... sorry I missed a word!

OP posts:
projectbabyweight · 18/10/2011 18:25

Totally agree you can't compare pain. But I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to feel the way she does, from her perspective.

Robotindisguise · 18/10/2011 18:27

YANBU. I'm sad I'm having problems conceiving #2, but although it hurts, it's nothing like as bad as staring down the barrel of never managing it.

But I agree with others that establishing a pecking order for personal pain isn't going to help anyone.