.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

[AuntieDoris]

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

Well look I am an observer - I have been fortunate in my reproductive life so I have no issue one way or the other. What I have seen on this site is that women ftc support each other very well and that support is a huge source of strength at desperate times. As soon as you start saying ' x's situation is worse/better than mine' you start putting up barriers to that support and I think that is a huge shame.
Yes this is a discussion board - but sometimes honestly things are better left not said because saying them does damage.

I am not sure I 'established a pecking-order of pain'. I just said I was fed-up!

I think it is a hugely personal thing, and not something that should be placed on a scale of pain.

For me personally, I would have found not being able to conceive #2 immeasurably harder than #1 or #3. We all have different experiences.

yabu and you know it

Agree with northern also op it's like someone saying to you well you've only been ttc for a year and I've been ttc for 4 so my pain is worse than yours, how do you know what is more painful

Ffs next we will have people stating AIBU I've had more mc so must be more upset or I mc later so my pain must be worse

I agree with projectbabyweight and I am speaking as someone who never managed to sustain a pregnancy full term and am now a very happy parent of an adopted son, who we adopted as a baby.
We are currently in a position that means we are unable to adopt a second child, so I am going through all the feelings concerning our ds being an 'only'. This is compounded by the fact that he does have a biological half-sibling adopted into a different family due to us now living out of the UK.
When you are still waiting to conceive your first, or struggling to sustain a pregnancy, the pain of not knowing whether you will ever become a parent is unbearable. I vividly remember that after my first mmc, I felt that not only had I lost the baby, but I had lost my plans for the future. You put your lives on hold as you don't know where you are heading. If you have a child, at least you are already parents with all that entails. If are still at the stage of not knowing whether you can have children, then you are in a situation of re-evaluating what you thought your life would be. I have many friends who have struggled, unsuccessfully, to have a second child and I know their upset is real. I would never dream of saying anything to them to undermine how they feel, in the same way I just smile and say congratulations to my friends who get pg relatively easily. So I think YANBU to think that but YABU ever to admit that's how you feel.

yabu, but can understand why you feel that way

Misery isn't a fucking competition.

Pinky???

I do see where you are coming from, but having not walked in the shoes of someone struggling with secondary infertility, I'm afraid you just aren't qualified to judge. I struggled to conceive both no. 1 and no. 2, not for ages but with various traumatic health scares along the way, and was in a pretty bad place both times. And actually I found trying for no.2 immeasurably harder, because I was already in 'babyworld' and was confronted by bumps and new babies on a daily basis among literally all my friends and acquaintances - along with conversations about how tough it was with 2 etc etc. First time round, I found it much easier throwing myself into other projects - allotment, crafts etc - and didn't dwell on the pain so much. Not so possible going to toddler group with (I'm not joking) 15 or 20 pregnant women in the room.

I missed a lot of posts there as it took me so long to type. I don't think it helps to 'compare pain' either but I don't think that's what this is about. You are just in a different situation to someone who already has a child.

I just don't like the idea that only people who have it especially hard have the right to complain; we all deserve the right to say how we ourselves feel, especially if we are finding it hard to deal with. Ranking one person's pain against another is impossible, anyway.

Yes and it's perfectly ok to feel it (just be careful how you express it!)

I think YABU purely because the title alone will be upsetting to a lot of people alone, without reading the thread.
YANBU to feel it, but BU to express it in such a blatent way...

I am sorry for your pain, OP

You can only say how it feels to you, and if it makes you fed-up or even angry, then that feeling is legitimate. No other person should dictate how one ought to feel in any given situation, yes?

[rambles on]

I can understand why you feel the way you do. I feel just as sad for my single female friends approaching 40 and longing for both a companion and knowing that time is really ticking re fertility too.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I do understand it must be very hard to believe that for some people the pain of not being able to conceive another child, can be anything like the pain you are going through - but I think you just have to accept for them that it is. I know the difference between having 1 child & making you a parent must seem far more significant than having another child - but it's not the experience of some people. It's hard and I hope it's not a pain you have to endure for much longer. Good Luck.

MaryZ (hugs) lots of things are bloody hard aren't they.

YANBU

Of course secondary infertility is painful and may feel the same to people going through it, but ultimately when you are upset about it you can go upstairs and hug your child.

Those going through primary infertility cannot.

There is a massive difference.

Generally I agree that pain is not a competition and think that if it could be accurately measured, the experience of either type of infertility is probably just as bad as the other - however those with secondary infertility do have more around them as consolation.

I struggled to ttc number one for some years and will never forget sobbing to my husband that all I wanted was 'someone to call me mummy'.

I fully expect it will be tough and very likely impossible to conceive number two once we can afford to even try. The tears then may feel as bad as they did the first time.

But I hope I will never lose sight of the fact that I am already incredibly lucky, because I have a wonderful son and I am his mummy.

Okay that sounds puketastic, but I am just trying to get across the reasons why if you have primary infertility and someone with secondary tells you it is 'just as bad', it feels like a kick in the chest. It may feel just as bad. But it isn't.

YANBU. Agree with project and Imperial. Of course it is still upsetting and distressing for them, but i dont think it is the same.

To never know what it is to have children when you want children must surely be the most painful situation. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I reckon everyone else would too. But it isn't a safe thing to share with those who are struggling with secondary infertility.

I think it is irrelevant whether it is the "same" or not.

I remember seeing a debate online about whether it was worse to have a child stillborn or die at 3, and how this might compare to your child dying at 7 or 17 or 27. What a horrific conversation to have and yet how it illustrates the pain involved that this could even be argued as though there is a potential "winner". There is no sense or reason in comparing pain in life. Therein lies the route to madness and it is really best to avoid where possible.

You will feel it, yes, because in grief everything has a logic but does not make it reasonable to share with others who are also in pain as though lessening their loss will decrease your pain.

As it goes: "Yours is the harder course, I can see. On the other hand, mine is happening to me".