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Original poster

.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

483 replies

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:00

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

OP posts:
ReadySteadyDrink · 18/10/2011 19:20

YANBU.

I have 1 DS. I am pregnant again. I am very close to DH's cousin who has been having problems conceiving (has been TTC for ages, had one miscarriage). I am so very, very grateful for DS (I can't put it into words) and for this current pregnancy, however, I feel guilty that I am on my second pregnancy, and DH's cousin has no kids and is suffering.

If I'd struggled to conceive the second time, then of course I would have been upset, but I would have DS to look at and count myself lucky. Women who never conceive do not have this. I totally understand where you are coming from OP.

Good luck.xx

Onemorning · 18/10/2011 19:24

YANBU. I don't think it is the same.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 18/10/2011 19:27

working I am really suprised to hear that. I have never heard any bereaved parents compare which is worst. Never - and I have spent hours 'talking' to bereaved parents.

We all have agreed that to lose a child is to lose a child. Age is immaterial.

OP YANBU because you feel how you feel and those feelings are valid. It would be insensitive of you to tell someone struggling tc no 2/3 etc that they are lucky but you are perfectly reasonble to feel that way.

cantpooinpeace · 18/10/2011 19:31

YANBU it must be shit to never to experience having a child/becomming a parent and having no control.

What matters is, like others have said that it doesn't eat you up and isolate you from people you care about. It's ok to feel it but keep it to yourself or those who might understand - maybe that's why you chose here....an anonymous rant.

bonkers20 · 18/10/2011 19:31

My dear Mum (RIP) said that the broodiness you feel with your second and subsequent children is very different because you KNOW what it's like. It's bloody brilliant so you want to have that all over again.

But I think having to accept that you'll NEVER be pregnant, give birth or be a parent must be harder that accepting that you can't do it again. When I thought we might not have a second I was learning to count my blessings. I guess you do the same with primary infertility, but those blessings are not in the form of a child.....

I think infertility at any time can be all consuming and very isolating.

working9while5 · 18/10/2011 20:09

I went to have a look at it MrsdeVere and it is there, and not pretty. It was a blog post. A friend who had a stillbirth showed it to me as she was upset by it. I believe that there was some controversy about the blog owner in the past on MN and that another poster in the discussion was also on MN.

marriedinwhite · 18/10/2011 20:14

Different people cope differently with different things and different levels of grief. One person's grief cannot be compared to another's. I shall never forget the hurt I felt when my mother told me "well count your blessings that you've got one baby when there are plenty of others who haven't - if that baby had lived, he could have been disabled and then you would have something to cry about". That baby was born at 27 weeks and may have survived a life saving operation if I had managed to get to 32 weeks.

I have come to terms with it but nearly 15 years later it is still a puddle of great sadness for us and if dd hadn't arrived 51 weeks later, I'm not sure I would ever have fully recovered.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 18/10/2011 20:26

I wasnt doubting you working just genuinely suprised.

I would never rate my grief as more than someone who had a stillbirth, never.

It doesnt make sense to me to do so. Anymore that it would make sense for someone to say it is worse for them to lose a 30 year old DD than to lose my 14 year old.

Sad
Minus273 · 18/10/2011 20:30

YANBU to get emotional, it is very difficult when you are ttc. However you have to recognise that secondary infertility hurts too. Not quite the same but my 3rd MC hurt just as much as the first 2 even though I had had a child in between.

midnightexpress · 18/10/2011 20:38

YANBU to feel that way, but YABU to compare grief.

But since you've posted in AIBU...I can imagine that the very fact of having a child, and really knowing the joy that a child can bring might make it harder for someone suffering secondary infertility, compared with someone who can only imagine a hypothetical child. Or rather that their pain might be equally intense, just different.

Duckhomesyndrome · 18/10/2011 21:02

I don't think you are being either...you're just having a human reaction to an issue that is painful and topical for you. I think it is a bit like being heartbroken and suddenly all the songs you hear/stories you read are about love. I worked with a woman that had tried for 10ys to conceive and in that time had 2 mc's. Lots of fertility treatment etc. She was really upset (understandably) when 3 people from the team had babies one after the other. Sometimes she handled it well, at others she let it overtake her and was a bit unprofessional. Anyway...she now has a child which is a lovely wee miracle. No desire for anymore....found it hard etc. There is no rhyme or reason for these things and comparing can make you bitter. My heart really goes out to you. All the best.

Trills · 18/10/2011 21:09

I agree with Northernlurker

It's not helpful to compare levels of pain.

If you have a broken leg that doesn't mean that my stubbed toe doesn't hurt.

Maryz · 18/10/2011 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 21:21

Maryz I think that makes sense to me. It is something about having to reframe all that you thought you might be and might have.

Being a parent defines who you are not just what you do and not having that at all is a particular kind of grief (please note... I am not saying it is better or worse, harder or easier and I am not even comparing levels of pain!) which if you already have one child you do not have.

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 18/10/2011 21:23

YANBU Sad

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 21:24

YABU. Infertility can be devastating whether you have a child or not. People who already have one child can feel as though they are denying their child a sibling by being unable to have another child.

Proudnscary · 18/10/2011 21:25

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel the way you do and I'm terribly sorry for your pain.
However, I do agree that it is insensitive to others who are experiencing their own pain over ttc a 2nd or 3rd child - their feelings are just as valid surely?
And it is very hard to be told over and over 'Oh well you have one child so that's a blessing' when you have been yearning and trying for another baby for years.
It must make many women in the situation suffer in silence for fear of being seen as 'greedy' or insensitive to unhappily childless women.

working9while5 · 18/10/2011 21:26

I think grief is just so overwhelming sometimes. And it's hard to quantify unless you've personally been there, no matter what. A relative was very, very dismissive of a cousin's repeated early miscarriages because they weren't "real" because they were before 12 weeks, even though she had spent 7+ years ttcing. Then she had a baby and the cycle began again trying for number 2, but then her grief wasn't "real" because she already had a child. It's just nonsensical. Pain is pain is pain.

BlondeG · 18/10/2011 21:37

No I don't think YABU, I struggled to TTC my second (living) DS, and whilst it was horrific - followed a stillbirth and many, many months of TTC - at least throughout I had my lovely DS1 to keep me going.

That said, secondary infertility is fucking horrible and I really, really sympathise with anyone going through it at the moment.

hipsdontlie · 18/10/2011 21:40

Actually, you could take this to the extreme and ask if someone who was TTC their 9th child would feel as much pain as someone who had never had a live birth? If they were, it would lead me to think that there was something desperately wrong in their life that they did not feel complete and happy with 8 kids. But no-one would wonder about other emotional issues for the person who has never conceived.

In other words...you can compare pain and put it in perspective. If pain is out of proportion to the situation, it leads you to wonder about someone's emotional resilience and what else is going on in their life.

FearfulYank · 18/10/2011 21:42

YANBU. You feel what you feel. As long as you don't go around telling them off for it, anyway.

Best of luck, OP.

As me dear ol' grandpappy used to say "Just because you're neighbor's completely in the shit doesn't mean what you're up to your neck in is chocolate custard." We all have our own pain. :)

CaptainBarnacles · 18/10/2011 21:47

YANB at all U. I agree with those who say that the sense of possibly not ever getting to be a parent at all is the worst.

Of course it is horrible for those who want more DC and struggle to conceive. But personally I don' think it's comparable.

Shimbo · 18/10/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalmaLlamaDown · 18/10/2011 21:50

OP YANBU, we only have one DC because of medical reasons and i thank my lucky stars every day, i would never complain about not being able to have more as much as we would have loved a bigger family.

NewShooz · 18/10/2011 21:53

I totally understand where you are coming from.

It probably is unreasonable to think this, but when you have never experienced being pregnant, giving birth, bringing that gorgeous newborn home who grows up and calls you Mummy, not even once, it is very hard to understand how their pain of not being able to do it a second time can compare to yours.

It took years to finally have my DD and until then, I'm afraid I felt exactly the same as you, wrong or not, I think it's human nature.