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Original poster

.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

483 replies

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:00

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 18/10/2011 23:55

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rogersmellyonthetelly · 18/10/2011 23:55

Op you have my sympathy. Infertility is a curse I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And yanbu to be fed up. But yabu to think that women who already have kids have no right to complain about it. I've been where you are now for 3 long years ttc my first, he's now 7 and I'm ttc my 3rd. I'm no less gutted now when my period arrives every damn month than I was when trying for dc1. I'm very grateful for the kids I have, but the ache of wanting another and knowing it may never happen is just as keen now as it was 8 years ago.

TheBestWitch · 19/10/2011 00:12

But should a poster who had been trying to conceive for 8 years then be affronted that the person ONLY trying for 6 years was feeling sorry for themselves? If you are genuinely suffering the only thing that is inappropriate is other people telling you you have no right to be.

DandyLioness · 19/10/2011 00:16

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BagofHolly · 19/10/2011 00:20

" If you are genuinely suffering the only thing that is inappropriate is other people telling you you have no right to be."

I think I get what you're trying to say, and I think that's very generous-spirited of you. However, surely there are times ( and I DON'T mean in the examples of this thread, at all) that it's fair to say to someone "genuinely suffering", to put a sock in it? Some pain and suffering IS worse than others!

531800000008 · 19/10/2011 00:22

RedOnion [squeezes hand a bit too tightly]

TheBestWitch · 19/10/2011 00:32

The impression I'm getting is that the OP feels as though people suffering secondary infertility do suffer just not as much as she is - which I disagree with. But I can quite understand that there is no suffering as real and as bad as the suffering you are going through yourself so I can see why she feels that way.

Personally I would only tell someone to 'put a sock in it' (or feel like it) if I thought their suffering wasn't genuine and they were hamming it up for whatever reason.

mumineedawee · 19/10/2011 01:12

I have been where you are now. Except with me, it was friends not achieving a boy/girl pregnancy that would drive me crazy.

Hope you get what you need soon. Its very hard on you to want this so badly.

Please try not to focus on the negative side of others who've achieved at least one pregnancy, and complain about the lack of another. Just keep positive.

Hope you are pregnant soon. Grin Thanks

SurprisEs · 19/10/2011 01:23

Hope you get pregnant soon. :)

I can understand to some extend your annoyance BUT we all have different expectations in life, we all thrive for better than what we have.

I would've been moaning had I not conceived DC2 as it is part of everything I've ever dreamed of. The fact you are struggling to conceive DC1 should have no impact on my wishes whatsoever.

Good luck and hope to see you on one of those "due month xxxx" threads soon.

catus · 19/10/2011 13:24

Although I sympathise with everyone saying YABU, I don't think you are. I had my DS with IVF after years of trying not to let infertility swallow our lives and turn it into a nightmare. Me and DH always wanted at least 3 or 4 kids, and in all probability it is not going to happen, which is incredibly sad and feels so unfair, but at least we are parents, we have a family, and that makes all the difference. Of course, there are always exceptions, but as a general rule, YANBU.

MrsMooo · 19/10/2011 15:30

YANBU to be upset and feel sad, but YAB understandably U to compare pain

Comparing primary and secondary infertility is like comparing having a leg or an arm ripped off - painful and traumatic but in different ways

Comparison is fast and firm route to misery, if you find it upsetting that friends are discussing trouble ttc dc2,3,4 then ask them to be kind and not talk about it with you

screamingbohemian · 19/10/2011 16:01

I think YANBU

I will probably not have a second DC and that bloody hurts, but it's nothing compared to the misery I felt when I thought I would never have any children at all.

But that's just me, and I would not presume that everyone else feels that way. So while I think your feelings are valid, I think it's the kind of thing best kept to one's self really.

LissieLovettsDeliciousMeatPies · 19/10/2011 18:25

I really, really wish I hadn't clicked on this.

Op, yabu.

Bye.

LissieLovettsDeliciousMeatPies · 19/10/2011 18:25

I really, really wish I hadn't clicked on this.

Op, yabu.

Bye.

Northernlurker · 19/10/2011 18:32

oh arse - lissie was hoping that above all people you wouldn't see this. Sad

LissieLovettsDeliciousMeatPies · 19/10/2011 18:36

NL, thanks. Tbh, I wish I hadn't. Am actually in tears now. But you know, mustn't moan.

DejaWho · 19/10/2011 18:42

YANBU - can feel what the fuck you want to - just have to smile sweetly then go home and tell the dog/cat/hamster/gerbil how fucking shit the entire world is.

I could quite cheerfully punch some of those who want to share their infertility trauma of 6 months in the mouth... try 6 years of shagging without success to put a dampner on your love life girls - but I'm sure to them it's traumatic (and will promptly be forgotten the day they get pregnant)!

Likewise I'd love to throttle those who complain of the trauma of having another boy and not a girl... but nowt I can do.

I don't think even those with secondary infertility really "get" the utter pain of knowing you might never be a mother at all, might never get a child running out of school shouting mummy and giving you a massive hug, might never get to see your partner holding their own tiny child in their arms at all - it's a different type of pain, although infertility's shit for all concerned anyway.

With my circumstances (assuming I stay pregnant this time) it's very likely that I'll only ever be this lucky to get one child - I can deal with that, it's more of a blessing than we were ever expecting to get and I thank my lucky stars every day this pregnancy continues that we'll get to go through this once at least.

banana87 · 19/10/2011 18:48

YABU.

I had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy, DC 2.

DC 2 was as much wanted as DC 1, and I would have decked anyone who tried to tell me otherwise.

DidYouSmashHerShireHorses · 19/10/2011 18:53

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Fixture · 19/10/2011 19:01

If they are complaining to you and they know your situation, then YANBU at all.

Northernlurker · 19/10/2011 19:16

Before posting on this thread I wonder if people would mind just thinking twice? This thread has unleashed a wave of people saying in effect that primary infertility is worse than secondary. That those suffering from secondary infertility must accept their pain is diminished by a comparison.

Problem is - this forum is used by women undergoing a wide range of problems with conception. Those who have never carried at all, those who have carried and lost, those who have got all the way to the third trimester then suffered a still birth, those who have a child but cannot conceive and/or carry again, those who are ttc after the death of a child. It won't work if people feel they have to apologise for their position or cannot be honest about their pain because somebody else has it worse. This is a forum of equals and quite frankly this thread is bolloxing it right up!
I can't bear to think of the women who are suffering secondary infertility, lurking,reading this and walking away from this source of support because they are being judged.

This thread is doing damage.

No doubt you will all think I am unbearably bossy to come on and say this. Well yes I am but it's bcause my heart sank when I saw the OP yesterday and it's stayed sunk. Nobody can help how they feel but we can help what we say. This is an anonymous forum but there are real people on the other side of the screen. Your words have weight and there is no issue that will weigh heavier on the hearts of mothers and those who want to be mothers than this. I know its an apalling cliche but this thread is so not what mumsnet is about.

LissieLovettsDeliciousMeatPies · 19/10/2011 19:20

Thank you NL.

LissieLovettsDeliciousMeatPies · 19/10/2011 19:20

Thank you NL.

Fixture · 19/10/2011 19:22

Maryz of course you are a nice person. Most people in your situation would have felt the same, but most are not unlucky enough to have to.

JodieHarsh · 19/10/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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