.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

[AuntieDoris]

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

I think its really sad that people are so hard-faced and mean-spirited over this issue.

It is not a competition. You cannot measure human emotions or tot up scores for people's heartache. You don't get more 'points' for having primary fertility, slightly less for secondary, even less for tertiary (if that's even a phrase) etc. Shall we throw in extra points for having had multiple miscarriages even though you have a healthy child, or for having a disabled children, too?

I think everyone should show a little compassion when thinking and talking about this topic.

OP - you are not helpful.

Op, I understand your pain but does lashing out at others who are struggling to conceive really make you feel better?

That pain you are feeling right now, that heart break,, is exactly what they are feeling too. You of all people should be able to empathise.

How sad that you deal with your pain by starting a thread to hurt woman who are also struggling to get pregnant. . You really need to let go of all that bitterness you have inside. Stop for one minute and think about the how hurtful this thread is.

JodieHarsh. You haven't a clue, really. Lucky you.

The OP is not "lashing out at others who are struggling to conceive". She's just wishing they would have a bit of sensitivity when talking to her.

No, but you are lucky as you seem to find comfort in your grief by mocking the grief of others. Understandable, but still wrong.
So instead of talking to someone (like me) in a way where we could share the horror of losing our babies, you talk to me like an enemy.

I understand why you feel this way OP. I have a friend who has tried for many years to conceive but has had no success. I have my 1 DD (8) and have not been able to conceive another DC.
I am not in the same position as my friend, despite my situation, she feels pain I will never feel :(

Of course she's is lashing out! She started a thread in aibu, not in conception or elsewhere. We all know how volatile it is in here.

Nobody has the right to dismiss somebody elses pain not matter how crap thing are for them.

Where is the sensitivity lacking though? I have NEVER heard somebody suffering with secondary infertility say it is worse than for somebody trying for their first baby. Until this blithering thread I had only rarely seen people attack each other at all over this issue.
There is no need at all for the polarisation at all that is going on here. Mutual support and discussion and understanding will be more productive, far more productive.

For goodness sake ladies - you are all using the same boards! How do you expect somebody reading this and trying for their second or third child to react now when they bump in to you on a ttc thread?

YABU and YANBU at the same time. I think infertility or miscarriage is awful however many you have. But facing up to never being a parent is awful, and I say that as someone who has been trying for 4 years for number 1. We just want a child, we just want to be parents. We want it very much.

But hey we got discharged from the recurrent miscarriage clinic today given the all clear to start trying again after surgery to correct an abnormality with my womb, so I'm feeling hopeful that maybe 2012 will be our year. I hope 2012 will be your year too, and the same for anyone trying and struggling, no matter how many they have already.

NL I have, not on here but on another forum. Apparently secondary infertility is worse because you know the joy of parenthood. If you don't have children you don't know what your missing so it can't hurt as much. I stopped posting on that infertility forum after I read that.

YABU.

Jodie you wrote this: Battling infertility is not the 'anguish' of 'oh my DS will never have a playmate' or 'oh my family feels incomplete' or 'oh it would be so nice to use those lovely little baby things again.'
That is mocking, I will take no shame from you as I have done nothing wrong.
That's all I'm going to say on this, as it has indeed turned into an unhelpful, hurtful thread and turning people against eachother.

I have spent a lot of time reading through this thread, and re-reading it several times. I accept that the title of this thread was poorly thought through, however, whatever way I worded it sounded wrong, so in some ways I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

There have been some very helpful responses to my initial comment and there have been some spectacularly unhelpful ones too.

I have not rated or compared pain, I merely stated that I felt fed-up by it. I also have not "lashed out at others who are struggling to conceive".

I am kind of upset that those people who have continued to suggest that I should be thinking about the feelings of other people have failed to recognise that behind the poorly worded OP I am sitting here and feeling hopeless.

The last think I wanted to do was upset a gazillion people, although as usual I have failed spectacularly, as I do with most things.

However, there have also been people who have commented on here who have helped me recognise that my responses and feelings are not unnatural.

For those of you who think I am a bad person, then I believe you have the right to think that, however, you are wrong. Like many people on MN I am struggling with my emotions and my feelings and there isn't always a right place to express that. Real life isn't an appropriate to do that, at least here is relatively anonymous.

Jodie that's horrible and you should know it.

It would be as easy to say everything you said about secondary infertility about primary infertility e.g. "oh my family feels incomplete" (you can have a family with no children), "oh it would be so nice to use lovely little baby things", "oh it would be so good for my sister's children to have a cousin to play with".

You are belittling. This is a terrible thread. I can understand why the OP might want to share these feelings with someone in a similar situation but to do it on an open forum where she knows there will be those wishing for second/third etc kids is just lashing out. Unreasonable.

Yanbu. It took a while tttc dd1 and I always say I'd love another but if it doesn't happen I'm blessed with dd. When I didn't have any, I felt v different, a bit bitter, even

But at the end of the day, like others said, it's not a competition.

Jodie, you have my sympathy, and I wish you luck.

I don't think yabu.

I struggled to conceive dc2 and it was hard, really hard. But I was really thankful that I did have one dc already.

Of course grief isn't a competition and some peoples struggles to have second/third children are really tough and heartbreaking and I wouldn't want to diminish that at all.

But there is a special type of heartbreak for those who are struggling with infertility and have no children.

I wish lots of luck to all those struggling with infertility.

Also I don't think the OP was saying secondary infertility wasn't hard and horrid but its just not quite the same as when you are struggling to conceive your first child.