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.... to be fed-up when people moan about not being about to conceive DC 2/3/4/5/6/whatever

483 replies

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:00

... when I can't even manage to get pregnant with number 1?

I know it doesn't make any difference to me but it still unreasonably winds me up :(

OP posts:
orangeone · 18/10/2011 21:54

As someone who suffered for many years before my DD (my IVF miracle)with primary infertility and mc and is now experiencing secondary infertility and more mc post DD, I can tell you that the pain isn't any less it's just different.
Pre DD I grieved for a lost future, to quote a line from the Mike Leigh film Secrets and Lies (which touches on the subject of infertility), 'you can miss what you never had'. Now I grieve for the sibling my DD may never have, and although I count my blessings with her, it is hard as I know even more acutely what I may never have again.
Infertility, whether primary or secondary is horrid. It can drive you nuts And destroy relationships (especially if you go down the road of comparing yourself to others, which leads to madness!). All of us women should support each other, not compare and envy, hard as that may be sometimes.

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 22:01

It's a different pain though. Imagine having one child and seeing other kids with brothers or sisters to play with when you desperately want another. You could feel as though they were missing out as well as you and that you were to blame.
I struggled for a long time to conceive dd1 so I know what it's like but I would have been devastated if I couldn't have had another. Not for me because dd was more than enough for me but for her. I've spoken to other mums who have given the same reason for having a second child.

AndTheWinnerIs · 18/10/2011 22:02

I can't decide whether yabu or not, probably in my heart I would say yanbu but I am incredibly blessed to have 2 dc, concieved and carried normally. Dc 1 is about as severely autistic as you can get though.
I have also had 5 sucessive late 1st trimester miscarriages which of course were devestating.
I really do hope that you do concieve and go on to have a child though, all the very best.

elesbells · 18/10/2011 22:13

I have 3dc'sfrom my ex. been with my dp for three years and we have been ttc for well over a year....he has no children.

Does it make my pain any less that I already have 3? no it doesn't....

Yabu...

TangerinePuppet · 18/10/2011 22:33

YADNBU. Not having any children as opposed to having a child. Not comparable imo. I speak as someone who has one child and no chance of conceiving another due to medical reasons.

thebestwitch please try and be a little more sensitive to parents of onlies. I found your post quite hurtful.

alwayspoor · 18/10/2011 22:35

YABU and you are bitter.Hmm Would you apply this reasoning to someone with a child/children who miscarried or had an ectopic ie me.Hmm

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 22:47

I am not bitter but I am sad and fed-up. That's quite different.

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 22:48

Tangerine I am speaking of my feelings and feelings of SOME other people I've spoken to. Some people choose to have only kids and it is personal opinion as to whether they are better off with siblings or not (certainly not financially) but I wanted dd to have a sibling.
And it's a bit rich to call me insensitive. I think your 'not comparable' comment is likely to be HUGELY insensitive to some people affected by secondary infertility. People in the same situation don't all necessarily feel the same.

TangerinePuppet · 18/10/2011 23:03

Fair enough, I guess we must disagree. I'm merely speaking from the pov of someone who has experienced not being able to have subsequent children, so I do understand the feelings involved. My gratitude at having the one outweighs any sadness at not being able to expand my family. Of course I realise that is just me and I do understand how very painful it must be for others.

This woman has NO children though. Would you want to swap places? I wouldn't!

I think she's entitled to feel this way and it's understandable. Doesn't mean she goes about in RL attacking people who are struggling to conceive 2nd or susequent babies though!

iggi999 · 18/10/2011 23:04

When I look at my ds it's like I see a shadow next to him sometimes where his brother or sister should be. Before I had him I could never have known what I'm missing out on by not being able to have a second.
I have been told - in the midst of yet another mc - that I'm lucky to have one. And I know I bloody am, but do they say that to everyone else walking round with 2 or 3 children produced with no difficulties? No they do not.

BagofHolly · 18/10/2011 23:08

As I struggled to conceive my second pregnancy and I remember looking at DS1 and feeling a yearning for another baby, and guilt that in some way DS1 might feel he might not have been "enough." it was upsetting and my desperation drove me to more IVF. (Which worked, thankfully.)

But nothing nothing nothing, for me, could ever compare to the utter misery, heartache and terror I felt when trying to have DS1. I'd wake in the night, drowning in panicked sweat, shaking that my parents might never me grandparents, that my brothers might never be uncles, that my husband might stay with me out of pity, or leave me for someone who could give him a child. That my friends with children would think my life was self indulgent and irrelevant. That my friends without children might think this was a choice we'd made. That the fucking burning ghastly RAGE at every single woman who had conceived easily and naturally, might consume me totally and sour every fibre. That we'd run out of money, out of time, out of patience and affection for each other. That all this impotent love I felt, would never have anywhere to go. And that I would never be a mum.

I thank God, and modern medicine that IVF worked for us both times and now we have 3 children. But I still feel sick to the guts when I remember what if was like Before. So, in my experience and opinion, YANBU. Not a bit.

Maryz · 18/10/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:10

Of course the OP has every right to feel upset. But I don't think downplaying others suffering is right.
I wouldn't want to swap places with the OP. But I wouldn't want to swap places with someone with one child now I have 2 either.
Everyone is different. Some people are happy to not have children. Some are happy with one. Some are content with 1 but would ideally like more. Some are desperate for more. It's really not anyones place to be ordering the levels of suffering imo.

Maryz · 18/10/2011 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moominsarescary · 18/10/2011 23:16

Iggi we heard the same thing last week and yes I feel lucky that I have my dc's but to be told that after we had just buried our stillborn ds just seemed cruel.

It makes you feel as if people don't think your child is as important as you allready have one, threads like this make me feel the same way.

Yes it's awful when you are in the position of ttc your first child and it just isn't happening, I know I've been there but it doesn't mean all the years of ttc and mc since have been any less painful for me

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:17

People who are saying YANBU have totally valid personal experiences but everyone isn't the same. I struggled for years to conceive dd and it didn't feel nice but FOR ME the fear of not being able to have another was worse. As it turned out I conceived quicker with my second despite having reduced fertility from a salpingectomy.
I don't want any more kids now and I feel very lucky that that is a decision I am making and not one that has been made for me. I think anyone who isn't in that position deserves equal sympathy.

RedOnion · 18/10/2011 23:20

You are not being unreasonable. Although you are Smile

This will be my first time of "coming out". Normally I do the "ohhh I can't stand kids, just one is enough for me hahahah I can't stick the little beggars" and really i'm thinking....

My daughter is 8 and I have had 17 MCs and 3 stillbirths.

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings, however unreasonable other people may think they are. I very much hope that for you, you will get there. The very best of luck x

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:21

Also I think alwayspoor makes a good point. No-one would say that a miscarriage was less upsetting for a women who already had a child so why infertility?

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:22

RedOnion I'm so sorry to hear that Sad

RedOnion · 18/10/2011 23:23

thank you Smile

FreudianSlipper · 18/10/2011 23:24

i can understand why you feel this way :(

wanting another child is a very strong feeling, its painful for those who can not but they still are a parent that is the difference those who are unable to have any children are not :( woudl any of us not want to be a parent

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 23:26

Red onion - I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry to read of the scale of the loss you've had.

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:29

But you don't know how much heartache people are going to trying to conceive whether it is a first child or not.
People who have 1 child can call themselves a parent but they also know exactly what it is like bringing home a new baby and everything that goes with it and that they may not experience it again. It is definitely a different experience if you already have a child but whether it is better, worse or the same will depend entirely on the individual.

DandyLioness · 18/10/2011 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 23:33

But you can't get inside other people's heads. I can accept that it is theoretically possible that someone could be devastated to be unable to conceive their 13th child or whatever. Though it would be rare I would imagine. Then there will be people who will be fairly matter of fact about being unable to conceive at all (again this is probably rare if they have been ttc).