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Original poster

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
MessyToast · 09/09/2025 09:04

I've been lurking and this thread has been amazing but oh my god, I've just realised Alan could be my Dad. Name, location, lack of input into interior decor ... it all fits.

FortuneFaded · 09/09/2025 09:38

lcakethereforeIam · 09/09/2025 08:39

Pleased to learn that wasn't the table, it might not have been a stool but it's definitely shit. So I can switch my allegiance back to #team Alan.

I am not sure if it is worse being a stool. With all that dust collecting in the rings, when you stand up after sitting on it, with circles of white dust on your arse, you’d expect to hear a voice boom: “This is the voice of the Mysterons! I know you can hear us, earthlings!”
Either that or it could be mistake for a target practice. I bet William the Conquerer was only effective with a bow and arrow because of dusty stools and arse target practice.

FortuneFaded · 09/09/2025 09:39

MessyToast · 09/09/2025 09:04

I've been lurking and this thread has been amazing but oh my god, I've just realised Alan could be my Dad. Name, location, lack of input into interior decor ... it all fits.

😱 You know what to do, comrade. We need that information by the end of the day. Report back ASAP.

LillyPJ · 09/09/2025 10:18

FortuneFaded · 09/09/2025 09:38

I am not sure if it is worse being a stool. With all that dust collecting in the rings, when you stand up after sitting on it, with circles of white dust on your arse, you’d expect to hear a voice boom: “This is the voice of the Mysterons! I know you can hear us, earthlings!”
Either that or it could be mistake for a target practice. I bet William the Conquerer was only effective with a bow and arrow because of dusty stools and arse target practice.

Show quote history

😂 Target practice!

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 09/09/2025 21:11

MessyToast · 09/09/2025 09:04

I've been lurking and this thread has been amazing but oh my god, I've just realised Alan could be my Dad. Name, location, lack of input into interior decor ... it all fits.

Tell me more about Alan and Mrs Alan. What about the dog?

OP posts:
suki1964 · 09/09/2025 21:22

Ok so no one has been and asked?

Do I have to fly over myself to find out?

Seriously I so need to know so I can file this away cos at the moment Im waking every morning wanting to know

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 09/09/2025 21:39

Sorry, I wimped out of asking if they knew about this thread. I was with a friend who's not on MN and it would have taken too long to explain.

Why did MN take away the laugh reaction. There are so many brilliant posts on here that I'm laughing at

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 09/09/2025 23:21

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 09/09/2025 21:39

Sorry, I wimped out of asking if they knew about this thread. I was with a friend who's not on MN and it would have taken too long to explain.

Why did MN take away the laugh reaction. There are so many brilliant posts on here that I'm laughing at

But you could have taken photograph of side tables that may have been the one!

I’m going to have to dream up an excuse to go back.

OP posts:
thebabayaga · 09/09/2025 23:39

Please go back and ask them, we need to know :)

Karistyleaftea · 10/09/2025 11:12

Slightly veering off topic but just heard that there is a screening at Snape of Wallace and Gromit "Big day out"
accompanied by the Fairey brass band.
Epic!

MessyToast · 10/09/2025 11:17

WonderfulSmith · 09/09/2025 21:11

Tell me more about Alan and Mrs Alan. What about the dog?

Show quote history

Ahhh... the dog. Was it a golden retriever? Most people wouldn't carry them...

OneRedSquid · 10/09/2025 12:10

Have finally heard from my friend at Snape who tells me Alan did not buy the table he bowed to the pressure.

MyrtleLion · 10/09/2025 12:31

OneRedSquid · 10/09/2025 12:10

Have finally heard from my friend at Snape who tells me Alan did not buy the table he bowed to the pressure.

Sad Times

Ormally · 10/09/2025 12:43

OneSharpGoose · 31/08/2025 12:18

I feel we need an Alan Snape table Haiku.

Oh, no - he didn't get it?
The artistic interpretations are unimprovable, but don't think the haikus have been covered and that's not like MN.

My humble submission:

Voices raised in Snape.
Alan rallies; table fight.
Might hide so much more.

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 10/09/2025 13:01

MessyToast · 10/09/2025 11:17

Ahhh... the dog. Was it a golden retriever? Most people wouldn't carry them...

Show quote history

No. It was a small yappy type job.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 10/09/2025 13:02

OneRedSquid · 10/09/2025 12:10

Have finally heard from my friend at Snape who tells me Alan did not buy the table he bowed to the pressure.

What!! He was getting quite the telling off so I’m not surprised. Can she confirm the table model?

OP posts:
thebabayaga · 10/09/2025 13:14

OneRedSquid · 10/09/2025 12:10

Have finally heard from my friend at Snape who tells me Alan did not buy the table he bowed to the pressure.

I am relieved for Alan's wife tbh.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 10/09/2025 16:01

WonderfulSmith · 09/09/2025 23:21

But you could have taken photograph of side tables that may have been the one!

I’m going to have to dream up an excuse to go back.

Show quote history

I did take photos and posted them up thread!

MessyToast · 10/09/2025 16:09

WonderfulSmith · 10/09/2025 13:01

No. It was a small yappy type job.

Show quote history

Yeah I'd forgotten about the dog. I can confirm that my Dad is an Alan in many ways but he is not the Alan

Picoloangel · 10/09/2025 16:50

Oh Alan. You’ve let the shop down, you’ve let us down but, most of all, you’ve let yourself down.

Waitwhat23 · 10/09/2025 17:43

Ormally · 10/09/2025 12:43

Oh, no - he didn't get it?
The artistic interpretations are unimprovable, but don't think the haikus have been covered and that's not like MN.

My humble submission:

Voices raised in Snape.
Alan rallies; table fight.
Might hide so much more.

Show quote history

What happened at Snape?
We're all agog to find out!
Was the table bought?

Poor Alan. Denied
His choice of naff furniture.
Wife ponders her life.

OneRedSquid · 10/09/2025 23:27

WonderfulSmith · 10/09/2025 13:02

What!! He was getting quite the telling off so I’m not surprised. Can she confirm the table model?

Show quote history

That’s all the info I have

suki1964 · 10/09/2025 23:37

I feel - deflated :(

I was rooting for Alan

FortuneFaded · 10/09/2025 23:42

I am disappointed in Alan. I was hoping to get a band to cover Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal, but with a little rewrite and the lines:

Alan, are you okay?
So, Alan, are you okay? Are you okay, Alan?
Alan, are you okay? (Alan, are you okay?)
So, Alan, are you okay? (Alan, are you okay?) Are you okay, Alan!

BeaLola · 11/09/2025 00:22

This is without doubt the best thread ever

I kept seeing the title but didn't read the thread - for some daft reason I though it was either to do with Harry Potter or an Agatha Christie - eg "Hercule Poirot & The Incident at Snape Maltings"

Apart from being Team Alan (I don't hate the table but I don't love it) I am worried about OP - how can she have a DH who wouldn't let her stay to find out ?

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