@Boiledbeetle Thanks re Mellow Birds. @LlynTegid I don’t usually, but imaging Alan and his cardboard coffee means I need something mild in all the excitement!
My colleague and I have been talking about this thread, and decided that with all the publicity, a John Lewis style Christmas advert should be commissioned, featuring Alan. So, here goes. With apologies
to JL. Ahem:
🎄 “The Table” - A Snape Maltings Christmas Advert 🎄
Music: A gentle, slowed-down acoustic cover of “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder, sung by a young male vocalist with a warm, breathy voice. Very “now”.
Cast: Toby Jones for Alan. Rest tbc.
[Opening Scene]
A cold, blue-sky winter morning.
A silver Honda Jazz pulls into the car park at Snape Maltings. The silver car matching the colour of the frosty ground. You can hear the gravel crunch under the tyres.
Alan (late 60s, scarf tucked into his cardigan, gentle eyes) opens the door for his wife Marion (impeccably dressed, soft blush pink coat, proud posture, worthy of Snape).
She adjusts her brooch.
He adjusts his expectations.
Voiceover (soft and nostalgic):
"Alan didn’t care much for soy scented candles mixed from monk’s tears, elephant beige emulsion paint…or yak’s milk soaps for that matter. But he did care about Marion."
[Interior: The Furniture & Lifestyle shop]
Marion glides through the showroom, her carefully curated outfit of Snape Malting’s new best clothing range catching the approving nods of other shoppers, who sit sipping gingerbread chai lattes and discussing the naice Christmas baubles, tasteful garlands and “that woman from the organic allotments who left her husband for a plasterer.”
Alan trails behind, occasionally prodding an armchair or marvelling quietly at a £95 cushion.
As Marion becomes absorbed in a display of Scandinavian ethically-sourced organic cotton bathrobes, Alan sneaks off...
[Cut to: Alan discovering the side table. His face beams at something he considers so beautiful. Behold! A beam of light will shine on the table and this light will reflect as a twinkle in Alan’s eyes]
It’s quirky.
It’s hand made.
It’s got a slightly wobbly leg and intricate detailing of knocks, dents and scratches that tell of its special origin.
A small sign in an ornate frame reads:
“Handcrafted by artisans in Jaipur - Each One Unique”
Alan’s face lights up.
He imagines Marion’s frosty blue eyes lighting up too.
He smiles to himself, proud.
Music swells gently.
[Cut to: Alan at the till, clutching the table]
He’s buying it. They are bubble wrapping it. He’s so sure.
But Marion appears behind him.
She stares at the side table. Her mouth opens.
Marion (quietly horrified):
“Alan. What… is that?”
Alan (grinning):
“It’s from Jaipur. Hand crafted. By artisans. One of a kind - like you.”
Marion (blinking, slowly):
“It’s absolutely hideous. It looks like an old cable reel”.
[Quick montage: The fallout]
- Argument, Alan on sofa staging a sit in. Marion clutching the dog (accessorised in Snape’s pooch wear)
- The table being loaded into the boot with strained silence.
- Marion glaring out the car window on the A12.
- Alan gently setting the table up in the conservatory. Alone.
- A framed photo of them as a young couple next to it.
- The side table sits there. Unloved. Rejected. Unused. A tragic wooden silhouette in soft lighting.
Music pauses. Wind howls outside.
[Christmas Eve: Night]
Marion can’t sleep.
She wanders downstairs for a hot water bottle. The one from the new Snape range.
Stops. Looks through the conservatory door.
The table is lit by moonlight.
A small package sits on it, wrapped with brown paper and twine from the naice Christmas range.
She opens it.
Inside: A framed photo of their honeymoon in Jaipur, table artisans can be seen handcrafting in the background. And a handwritten note:
“Because you’ve always been the most beautiful thing in the room. Love, Alan.”
Music swells again. Marion exhales softly.
[Christmas Morning]
Marion places a vase of fresh organic eucalyptus on the table.
She adjusts the placement with unexpected tenderness.
Alan walks in, holding two fine bone china mugs of tea from the crockery range at Snape.
Marion smiles and says (quietly):
“I suppose it’s grown on me.”
Alan smiles.
They sit in the conservatory, the table between them, hands touching gently over the surface.
[Final shot]
Wide shot of the couple through the window, the warm glow of morning light, the table softly gleaming.
Final line of the song: “Isn’t she lovely...”
Text on screen:
Some gifts aren’t just things.
They’re reminders that bring us together.
Snape Maltings
For all life’s moments - even the slightly wonky artisan ones.
Yes, I had nothing better to do. The world has gone mad, and I wanted a distraction. 😁