The wholesome village Facebook page 🙄

[AngelicaElizaAndPeggy]

What's kicking off on yours this evening? A police car has just been spotted by someone who has eagerly reported it on our page- everyone is now going nuts in the comments but secretly I know for a fact they're all really nosey and want to know if the kids have set fire to the bus stop again.

Last week the same kids were all named and shamed in some CCTV footage from someone's doorbell cam and it all became hugely messy.

A mum has also been selling Christmas glasses that look like they're full of gin but are actually candles. You can have your name written on for an extra fiver.

Smashed pumpkins round here which has people frothing. They seem to have forgotten when I was growing up you considered you’d gotten off lightly if your house was egged.

We got a rather nice picture of someone's.chickens feasting on the leftover pumpkins people had donated.
This thread is making our town look quite civilised really.

Fireworks, dog shit and the 1113567654th post about how to stop cats shitting in your garden.
This will be the order of the day until at least 30th November now.

The height of the river in various locations. It's looking a bit high! It's fine. The flood warden says it's going over. The flood warden is full of shit. Just look on gaugemap! It's fine. It's flooding. Fuck!

There's sheep in my fucking garden again, Keith. There's sheep in the town hall. One sheep. Two sheep. Dead sheep. Loose sheep.

Kids today eh. You've got some nerve we remember you when you were 15! Shut up Barbara. Kids today.

Is the pub open?

Fuck all.

• Someone has lost a mobile phone

• Someone else is complaining that one of the footpaths is overgrown, complete with photo of a 98% clear footpath and Daily Mail sad face.

@jojomolo

The height of the river in various locations. It's looking a bit high! It's fine. The flood warden says it's going over. The flood warden is full of shit. Just look on gaugemap! It's fine. It's flooding. Fuck!

There's sheep in my fucking garden again, Keith. There's sheep in the town hall. One sheep. Two sheep. Dead sheep. Loose sheep.

Kids today eh. You've got some nerve we remember you when you were 15! Shut up Barbara. Kids today.

Is the pub open?

Oh, yes. The kids thing.

Someone actually posted a “Heads up” (actual phrase used) because that they’d seen a teenager cycling quickly down the street, heading towards the town .

Utterly fucking batshit

Someone's driven a newish Audi along a narrow woodland footpath, reached the prt where it floods (and it would have flooded yesterday) and got stuck in the ditch.

Everyone local is astounded that they got as far along the path as they did as it's definitely not made for cars.

Morning, everyone! We've had quite a few nominations for this thread for Classics so we're going to move it over now.

pumpkins and planning complaints (we're all being 'ordered' by the gammon faced chair of parish to send a stern letter, he's monitoring the council website and can see who hasn't written yet )

oh yes and a van that nobody recognised, with a 'suspicious looking' licence plate. FFS.

‘Loads’ of people have been mugged at knife point, apparently.

Everyone’s going mental at the council measures to close loads of roads, thus creating massive bottlenecks and traffic jams on one main road (mine, sadly!).

Someone posted that their Halloween decorations had been stolen and the next day reported that they had been returned. Comments were that some parents realised their kids had done it and did the right thing. The power of Social media.

Someone went to B&Q and was outraged that there was queue so turned round and went home. Chastised all those who were^^ panic buying ahead of lockdown even though B&Q were allowed to remain open.

OP did not seem to grasp that she too had gone to B&Q just the same as everyone in the queue and that the trip was clearly not essential as she was able to leave without buying anything.

Ours is full of fireworks setting off horses/livestock/pets. Admin have turned off commenting on them all, surprisingly as it was all very civilised apart from a couple of understandably tetchy posts.

We now have lots of local restaurants and cafes who're able to offer takeaways or delivery posting, as well as other businesses letting people know they're still offering their services online. Quite sweet really. Lots of support for them all from what I've seen especially the wine merchants

Body shop at home...

Scentsy

Firework moans

Ours had the usual dog poo / gangs of kids / new homes causing traffic problems posts up until very recently when it was suddenly archived.

Sadly I missed the unfolding drama as it happened but I did get to read about it in the local press. The local bowls club had some benches which may or may not have been made from wood from the town train station that no longer exists. They sold the benches but the buyer was someone who... drum roll... did not live in the town (Dun Dun Duur). What's worse is that someone was from a different county all together. A post was made discussing the sale of the benches and the Bowls president was lambasted for this terrible decision that took a piece of the town's heritage (or not, they could have been just regular wood benches, no one knows) out of the area. This was despite the fact that the benches had been on sale locally for quite some time and no one wanted them, probably because they were, according to accounts, in need of quite a bit of work.

Unfortunately, the comments were so bad that the poor bowls president felt obliged to stand down.

Following this, the page admin, who always came across as slightly unhinged, shut the page down.

Now I only have Mumsnet for my faux outrage hit. Woe is me.

Sheep worrying.
The cenetaph

People sharing bollocks about their friends neighbours aunts cat that has died and was definitely poisoned intentionally by evil doers.

Or a van driving down the street definitely looking for animals to steal, keep an eye on your furbabies!

Photos of Chalk marks asking if anyone knows what it means followed by theories regarding gypsies coming back to steal your dog.

Anyone know an electrician? Every 3 days. 72 people recommend Bob Jones every time. The whole fucking country knows Bob is the answer to your electrical prayers.

Police/ambulance/fire/helicopter just gone past, anyone know why?

Fucking Facebook it's actually made my feelings about my local area plummet drastically. I'm not joking! There's a small group of people that are just so insufferable I'm honestly thinking of selling up and going.
We aren't that badly hit with covid, or at least- we weren't until just recently - so positive cases were still very "exciting". This particular group were naming and shaming people to stay away from, I shit you not. The drama when one is reported is ridiculous, you can almost feel the perpetrators pulsing with the excitement of it. Like a pack of fucking wolves.
There's plenty more but don't want to be too identifiable.
The self appointed Head Of The Village's bullying antics are sickening. She does it all in the name of saving the village though

Oh and the “anyone lost a cat” posts.

Accompanied by a hugely fat and sleek cat, often with a collar on, with it’s face in 3 dishes of cat food.

“Starving”, apparently. Coming to their house every day and eating everything they offer, so definitely lost and starving.

In the comments lots of “thank you for helping this scared/lost/abandoned kitty”. Often outrage about it being abandoned, several strange blokes offering to rehome it, and a gaggle of ladies with their own scanners driving round to trap and scan it.

No, it’s smokey from number 10 who clearly is just a CF and six dinner sid.

We've had 10 days of competitive halloweening which makes a change from all the complaining about kids playing on the play park.....

Tai chi. There seems to be 10 posts a day about tai chi.

Parking, dogs, unruly kids, Halloween, fireworks... TBH, a quick skim of these posts sounds like Mumsnet... 🤔

On ours it's full of people complaining about fireworks, local kids smoking weed under the slide in the play area, dog poo not being picked up and the police helicopter flying around.