Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

[ScribblyGum]

That you wish would just die naturally, but because they just won’t you are burdened by guilt with prolonging their pitiful heinous existence.

Here is my entry, a 14 month old poinsettia. Just look at the state of it, ugly Christmas 2019 bastard.
Can I bin it? No I cannot. Have I taken it outside to die by cold twice and then brought it back in again? Yes, yes I have.

JUST DIE WILL YOU.

Show me your horrid plants.

[Noworrieshere]

@Deucebumps wins though, that plant needs a thread all if it's own so we can follow its progress

[susandelgado]

This poor plant was my pride and joy but my daughter hated it and insisted on moving it
This is how it looks now

[SagelyNodding]

Great idea for a thread! We have this beauty... It won't die, but doesn't really seem to want to live either It's been like this for years now!

[WentToMarket]

Susan, that’s the same as the one I threw in the bin after three years!

[SagelyNodding]

Ps-if anyone knows what my plant actually is that would be great! Then I could Google how to look after it!

[DesLynamsMoustache]

This thread is amazing

[frostedviolets]

susan that looks like a Calathea, they hate sunlight, so no wonder it looks awful!
They like a shady spot.

sagely I believe that is a Pothos vine

[Kleptronic]

Oh I've got loads of these recalcitrant fuckers. There seems to be a theme. Spider plants, poinsettias, peace lilies, Christmas cactus, I've got them all and they're all shit. My worst are a rubber plant and a cast iron plant. The irony. See what I did there. Don't worry I've already got me coat on.

[WentToMarket]

frosted, indeed, a Calathea. Mine loved sunlight, but only west facing. It hated being too hot, but also too cold, watering was a delicate balancing act, and its leaves were either droopy or shrivelled, and sometimes both. Absolute arse of a thing.

[housinghelp101]

For the poinsettia survivors owners:

Your poinsettia will only display colored bracts if it experiences complete darkness for at least 12 hours per night for 10 weeks. It cannot be exposed to any kind of light such street lights, car headlights, TV’s, computer screens or even light under the door. Commercial greenhouses achieve this using opaque shade cloths to cover their plants at night. At home, you can use a box large enough to cover your plant completely

[Deucebumps]

@Noworrieshere it would be a very boring thread in the three years I've been at the office it's always looked like that. I'm surprised they didn't throw it out sooner to be honest!

[ScribblyGum]

@Deucebumps it’s a metaphor for something. Something profound. Shame you have to look at it though.

@housinghelp101 Ha! So you can’t just put it in a bog and a box in the cupboard under the stairs and just leave it there for a few months then? Oh no, you’ve got to be timing taking it in and out. Not going to happen. This information might just be the lever to help me get rid.

[ScribblyGum]

In a bag not in a bog. It deserves to be in a bog.

[ScribblyGum]

@Kleptronic your poinsettia is right properly shit like mine. You’ve not been hiding it from the sun like the joy-vampire that it is.

[woodencoffeetable]

fugly yucca

I'm looking for a replacement after this beauty isn't happy anymore.
I gave it a chop before moving because it was huge and leant against the wall.

[Kleptronic]

It is properly shit Scribbly it is also the 2018 vintage. Perhaps we should mate them and spawn...er...Son of Shite Poinsettias.

Although mine does have some red bracts and I sure as hell haven't been timing it with boxes so I dunno what the jeff's happened there. Mebbe the dogs have been meddling. Although it was more likely the cat, she likes to fuck with my mind.

[Kleptronic]

Ah but wooden you have a loverly orchid there. Mind you that yucca is epically shit. I'd kill that just to put it out of its misery, poor bastard.

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

I think people are confusing poinsettias with gremlins, surely?

My mother once gave me a peace lily as i had killed absolutely every other plant I have ever had. They died because I was shit at looking after them, because I didn't want to, quite frankly. I don't really like plants in the house and can't be arsed. I only like cats.

The peace lily was fucking terrifying. It was like that bit at the end of the first Terminator when he refuses to die. I used to look at it every morning and recite to myself

I didn't cause this
I can't control it
I can't cure it

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

That yucca is a fucker

[woodencoffeetable]

kleptronic
usually lopping works well and the plant comes back nice and strong and green - just not this time.
I hate killing plants, I feel for them.

[woodencoffeetable]

That yucca is a fucker

haha, has a nice rhythm to it

[Sunshineboo]

This was in the house we bought when we first looked at it over a year ago. They left it for us when they moved out and I don't feel quite able to get rid of it. Not sure what it's meant to be, but it sure is ugly

[HoppyHop]

Love this thread 😂.
Sadly I'm not at home to post a photo of my Christmas 2019 Poinsettia that will not die, it has not had red leaves since last year so yours is impressive OP. Mine however does have red tinsel around its base (I have convinced myself that it's the tinsel that is keeping it alive). This post is totally outing to anyone that has been in my house!

[user5656]

Love this thread.
We are lucky to have a fair sized greenhouse but it is totally wasted on me, i am hopeless with plants.
Here are some that have been evicted from the house but I just can't bring myself to throw away and am currently murdering nurturing in the eternal hope that they will recover.
DH calls our greenhouse the Dignitas clinic for plants, they go in but never come out.

[GraceBelly]

Ops plant is beautiful