Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

[ScribblyGum]

That you wish would just die naturally, but because they just won’t you are burdened by guilt with prolonging their pitiful heinous existence.

Here is my entry, a 14 month old poinsettia. Just look at the state of it, ugly Christmas 2019 bastard.
Can I bin it? No I cannot. Have I taken it outside to die by cold twice and then brought it back in again? Yes, yes I have.

JUST DIE WILL YOU.

Show me your horrid plants.

[Imonlymoominafterall]

This thread isFUCKING BRILLIANT. I have a hideous peace lily and can tell you they thrive on neglect the shit heads. Thank you so much for cheering me up.

[DdJames]

And this is why plants don't tend to survive in my care!

Just shut it's arm in the clothes horse and ripped it from it's pot!

[TheMemoryLingers]

My last house plant died in 1998 but I'm loving this thread.

[ScribblyGum]

You accidentally killed your ugly aloe plant @DdJames! You are the thread hero. An accidental death is the only way the rest of these travesties are going to meet their maker.

[Squidwitch]

The problem is in the 70s and 80s you couldn't go to a jumble sale and return without an adolescent spider plant in a white plastic cup. Then they were nurtured for ten years on a windowsil sat in a coleslaw pot. Then IKEA was invented and people bought plants that actually looked good and the Spidey's developed a strategy: only the strongest would be allowed to survive. Hence the ironman bastard's we've got now

[TheNoodlesIncident]

Poinsettias tend to look really really shit in the following year, as you have to go through an arduous regime of covering them up with a black bin bag daily for a certain amount of time, and who could seriously be arsed with that? If all it needed was a brisk haircut, then yeah, but honestly, having to force them like rhubarb is tiresome.

Just bin it. Then buy a different leafy victim and post how it looks in six months' time.

[Oohmegooliebird]

I have just said goodbye to one of my three plants. It was given to me by one of my patients. They have a terminal illness and I was desperate to keep it alive.

Unfortunately I couldn't even manage that :(

[ScribblyGum]

@Squidwitch have you read The Girl With All The Gifts? Spider plants jumble sale spider plants...

[ScribblyGum]

@TheNoodlesIncident whaaaat? Covering it up with a bin bag? What is this plant high-maintenance fuckery? I'm glaring at my stupid hateful poinsettia now having really strong end of life thoughts about it. Maybe if I put it in the garage? That’s not quite as extreme as putting it in the bin. The garage is very cold this time of year...

[Oblomov20]

This thread is really funny. Well done OP. Cheered me right up!

[Squidwitch]

@ScribblyGum I'm gonna find that book!

[labazsisgoingmad]

no hopeless i like them buy them then end up either drowning them or they are drier than the sahara

[housinghelp101]

Love this thread! Poinsettias need to be covered with a box (not even a chink of light) for 16 weeks a year in order for them to flower properly the next year. So you don't even need to witness the ugliness for 4 months! 😂

[Lamentations]

I must also confess to not being able to throw away the potted herbs that you buy in the salad section easily. I have to put them outside to give them a chance before they can go in the bin. Some of the bastards actually grow back - but never enough to provide useful edible foliage - just to annoy me.

[ScribblyGum]

@housinghelp101 but presumably you need to water them though, in their state of darkness? Do you have to water them in the dark too? I really had no idea. I loathe it even more now knowing that I really should put it to bed like a fucking tortoise for a quarter of a year.

[ScribblyGum]

Next someone will tell it really should have heat lamp too, and some special food.

[Bunchofkeys]

I’ve been reading mumsnet a long time and this is my favourite thread ever.
Here’s my contribution although I’ve just collected it from the downstairs loo where I moved it to from the hall a few weeks ago (to avoid feeling guilty every time I walked past it!) and it’s actually looking a lot better

[blueskys72]

My poinsettia is probably four years old, nothing red about it anymore, drops leaves like buggery, yet still hangs on in there ...

[blueskys72]

Oh, and the aloe veras that haven't been watered for at least six months and refuse to die!

[Deucebumps]

This poor sod was abandoned by my work. I took pity and have handed it over to my other half as I just kill plants but I'm starting to think it needs to be put out of its misery....

[ScribblyGum]

@Deucebumps. Your plant is really really fucking ugly. Look at the absolute state of it.

[Deucebumps]

@ScribblyGum It's hideous. Even DP is starting to think it's a lost cause. That said it's a stubborn fucker, at one point it had a third branch that was held on with sellotape and it still tried to grow leaves off it

[ScribblyGum]

@Deucebumps and that’s why we can’t kill them. Their defiance of death can only be rewarded with resentful admiration, slavish irregular watering and being placed in areas where we hope visitors won’t see them.

[crapette]

I've had this one about 5 years. I actually thought it was a fake plant at first. It lives in a room that is either freezing or as hot as the inside of a volcano. I remember to water it about twice a year. Sometimes I cut the dead bits off with the kitchen scissors. It. will. not. die.

I'm pretty sure that if I put it in the bin it would sneak back in under cover of darkness.

[Noworrieshere]

Christmas cactus that belonged to dh's great aunt so we can never get rid of it. I made it smaller by cutting the ends off all its branches at one time because it didn't fit on any shelf or windowsill in our house. It once covered Great-aunt Mary's entire dining room table. DH and his mother have never really forgiven me