Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

[ScribblyGum]

That you wish would just die naturally, but because they just won’t you are burdened by guilt with prolonging their pitiful heinous existence.

Here is my entry, a 14 month old poinsettia. Just look at the state of it, ugly Christmas 2019 bastard.
Can I bin it? No I cannot. Have I taken it outside to die by cold twice and then brought it back in again? Yes, yes I have.

JUST DIE WILL YOU.

Show me your horrid plants.

The ugly fucker has been put out of its misery! It feels a bit macabre using the decayed corpse to train other plants in climbing, but apparently bamboo isn't classed as an essential product at B&Q so we're making do with what we've got

@DdJames - I have the same plant! Will. Not. Die...

@jackstini yours looks even taller than mine. Mines only flowered once in its 10plus years of life, very unpleasant strong smelling flower that dripped sticky shit everywhere!

Reviving this thread for a bit of light relief. hows everyone’s ugly plants coping with lockdown?
Despite me not watering it for weeks, putting it a sunny window, this dick is simultaneously shedding leaves and flowering.

Ah so glad it is not just me.

Never getting rid of this cheeseplant. No idea why I thought it would be attractive. Basically, it fucking loves the constant temperature of my flat. It thrives. So much that it got unruly. Before I realised what it was doing, it was too late.

This is the AFTER photo, where I basically took pieces of it and wrapped it round itself and chopped off a bunch of pieces going nowhere.

If I hadn't I think we'd be at Little Shop of Horrors stage.

I now have no idea what to do. The only saving grace is that I bought a new pot (the tea towel under the plastic pot was a temporary measure for ~c2 years) then thank god I forgot to repot it. Can't imagine how much bigger it would have got.

Anyway it's really ugly.

Can I add my own seriously disturbed thing here? Firstly I feel I should point out that I’ve never grown a thing in my life, not even my nails. Secondly I have serious attachment issues and I have been known to become sentimental over inanimate objects. I bought a multipack of onions a few weeks ago and one of them in the net has sprouted a little green shoot thing(?) and I felt wretched about composting him because it’s not his fault he’s different ... so I planted him in my sons beach bucket and I’ve been watering him every day. When he dies because he’s just a weird sprouted onion I will ofc dispose responsibly. I warned you I had issues.

The faithful unkillables.

I rescued the Christmas cactus from someone else’s bin bag when they were moving out of a shared flat 🤦🏻‍♀️ Don’t ask me why. Apparently I can’t even let anyone else throw out plants. Ugly bastard. DH hates it.

The cheese plant was given to me 26 years ago as a child and has only been treated to new soil once. I put it in the paddling pool to water it and let the rain clean it’s leaves before reporting it last week after listening to gardener’s question time and having a sudden rush of enthusiasm. I left it out there for two days, it got burnt and then I felt bad and bought it in again without repotting.
Lazarus the peace lily was I swear to god finally dead last week. Put it outside the back door and the rain resurrected it 🤬

These three. I just can’t even. Why can’t I throw them away?!?!

Just finished reading this hilarious thread! There really are some really fucking ugly plants in that collection! I'm sure my one ugly pot plant has hypnotised me! I sometimes refuse to water it then I feel sorry for being so mean and give it extra water as an apology!! We've had it 20 plus years and I don't even know what kind of plant it is but it would win a prize for being the ugliest plant in Britain! It looks like it has been dropped from a height and fed up most days! It somehow has the ability to piss me off every Monday morning when going to work!!

Has anybody else started looking at their garden plants now that we're warming up? I've got some right ugly fuckers that just won't die on the patio that I'd hoped winter would see to. Fucks sake.

Are you not supposed to eat sprouted onions? One onion in my pack had a green shoot the other day and I just ate it

Place marking so I can come back later and show you my half dead succulent

Priceless. I have gargoyle level aloe vera plants curling in 'conservatory', sad sack poinsettia keeled horizontally in garden (ex house plant 'put out to pasture' and still going!), and temperamental, fussy, pink leaf gift plant outgrowing pots and rooms inside.. I now have permission to giggle at all, and unceremoniously turf (clapping with glee). Thank you one and all!

Reawakening this thread with this. It is basically rotting from the bottom up and looks awful (somehow this photo makes it look better than it does in real life). But I can't quite bear to chuck it ..

I agree this thread needs a bump. I'm searching for new house plants to buy. None of these mind. Mine is the cheese plant further up. Still alive despite severe neglect over Summer.

Dd was given a pamphlet from school about making a garden to celebrate the Virgin Mary (Catholic school) with plant suggestions.

No one at the school seemed to understand my point when I emailed them to inform them that 4 of their choices are poisonous to children and one is a banned Noxious weed In our area.
There was only 11 plants how in the world do you screw that up that badly. (It was cut and paste from the internet)

I have four plants (including the inevitable peace lily) that have failed to die after six months in my care. It's a record.

The monstera has even grown. Although in a weird leggy straggly way that leaves DH glaring at it and muttering balefully about Old People's Plants and putting it out of its misery.

Oh god, I’m literally crying with laughter at this thread!!

I’ll attempt to post my two ugly as fuck little fuckers...

I have a peace Lily in my bathroom that has never recovered from my then 2 year old deciding to take a shit in the pot because she wanted to poo like a worm.

Popped out of the room to grab another roll of loo paper with the Kid Sitting quietly on the loo.
Returned to potting mix and broken leaves all over the floor and a toddler crapping on the plant.

Found in the bin shed of our block of flats ten years ago (and tiny). Still going strong despite not being fed or re-potted for 6 years (I have watered it, I'm not totally heartless).

Just. Won't. Die. We decorate it for Christmas now.

excellent

Just discovered this plant and am resurrecting to present to you, my (one leafed) cheese plant, my China doll tree and my orchid.

Bastards, the lot of them.

Can't bear to throw them away though....

God I live this thread!

Oh god, I hate mine. It was a gift. I launched it out of the window midwinter but there’s a shelf it landed on. After a few days I weakened and bought it back in. Still alive. I hate the fucker!!

I kill all house plants.

Remember Alice in the Vicar of Dibley and her everlasting budgie Carrot?

When I went off to university, my then boyfriend gave me a purple African Violet. Across each term it slowly died with alternate over- and non-watering.

In the first Christmas holiday I took it to my grandma, renowned for her green fingers. She suggested I should leave it with her to work her magic. By the end of the holiday she had revived it and it was flowering again.

This process was repeated each holiday over the four years of my time at university then I finally killed it in my freezing rented rooms in my first job.

It was a good ten years later when my grandma died and we were reminiscing. I mentioned her miraculous treatment of my plant, to be told by my mum that my grandma had revived the African Violet over the first Christmas but every holiday after that it had been too far gone.

So she had bought me a new one. Ten times. And I never realised.