Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Lulu49 you went out to the ice cream van dressed in nothing but a towel???

While in Egypt I got badly burnt by sun (yes I had sun protection on with 50 SPF but it wasn't water proof and I sweated buckets!) ,I knew I needed a cream with hydrocortisone in it but when I got to a chemist - all I could think of was Hysterectomy! So that's what I said!

Luckily, one look at my face (I came out in large blistery spots around my chin) and they knew exactly what I needed!!

I wanted to get my feet looking nice before my holiday. They were a bit scaly and horrid, so I needed them filing down.

I phoned a local beautician meaning to ask if she did pedicures and / or was a podiatrist, wanting to ask her if she would file my feet.

What I actually said was, "Are you a paedophile?"

Replying to a very important email to the ombudsman last week, wanted to say looking forward to hearing from you, but bloody auto correct on the phone put "look feck you!!" I didn't notice though dh was looking at the email later on and asked me to read what I had sent to him. I did email to apologise

@lulu59 @Tighnabruaich

Today on things that never happened.....

If we had a quid for every classics nomination this thread received, we'd be loaded. Moving it over now!

When DS2 was still small, he was brushing his teeth, I told him he’d done a lovely job and they were all shite and briny!

I'm place marking as I'm sitting in a Costa suppressing fits of giggles. I need to be home alone before I continue reading this thread.

Im still laughing.Tears in my eyes.

@VforVienetta Yes, it's very safe to google Hairy Growler jewellery - it's beautiful.

However, as a result of this thread I now need to know what dragon butter and blue waffle are but I'm guessing that they're not safe? Can someone enlighten me?

Sort of placemarking because this thread has made me cry with laughter. I get words wrong a lot and couple of weeks ago I had a day where I just spoke nonsense to several people all day, either the words were right but jumbled or they were words of approximately the right length but different. It was happening so much I didn’t really notice what I was getting wrong just the confused expression on strangers faces while I stared at them expectantly. Eventually they knitted together what I was trying to say - I realised how kind people are.

I have also said ‘pie cupboard’ when I was looking for the work ‘oven’ and ‘cold oven’ instead of fridge.

@Judystilldreamsofhorses That's my favourite,couldn't stop laughing! That and "Tall Man!"
A work colleague of my Dad's had to ask for a man called Nick Herd. It came out as Dick Nerd.

An old friend always used to get her words mixed up. She wrote down anal leave, said she was getting her bedroom painted in Mongolia, and said someone had a cinnamon frame. She meant Zimmerframe.

I went shopping with a couple of guy mates when in lived up north. I saw a PVC catsuit in a shop and remarked, "Oh Josh has got one like that!" The look of horror on their faces. The Josh I knew was a petite skinny Indian girl. The Josh they knew was a big fat computer programming nerd. They'd just jointly pictured him in a PVC catsuit.

I once went to try a dress on in a shop in France. This store I didn't know at the time,size everything a size smaller. Found a lovely red and white gingham dress in the sale, size 8 (as I was back then,not realising the dress was really a 6) and went to try it on. The zip got stuck undoing it. It wouldn't budge. The shop assistant had to plier me out of it. I was so embarrassed but she was so sweet, saying it was no problem. I was mortified. Everytime after that time we went in there I always felt a bit embarrassed when she was there.

Went to Spain last year and tried to order a plain hamburger in Spanish- what I actually ordered the waiter told me was a hamburger in a field.

I could never say tax disk when they were a thing- always task dick

@Instagran.

Dragon butter is if my memory serves me well, the taste in your mouth after giving a rim job and blowjob.

Blue waffle is a fake std, that apparently turns your vagina blue, occurs in a fictional sense when you get around a lot

Never thought I'd ever type that out, let alone a thursday lunch on mumsnet

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about weight loss and instead of saying I've gone carb free, I said I've gone crumb free. Doesn't sound that funny but made us laugh!

My DGM used to call UHT milk HRT milk, I now do it in her honour!

I once got out of the passenger seat of my husbands’ car at a petrol station; ran in to grab flowers, and ran back; jumped back in, closed the door and put the seatbelt on. Unbeknownst to me my husband had moved to a car parking spot and there was a wee lady staring at me in shock instead. I absolutely fell about in hysterics whilst the lady starting screaming in Chinese, which only made me laugh so hard I couldn’t even move. She was torn between laughter and fear whilst I scrambled to compose myself and get out of her car!

@Anoni Thanks for the concise definitions! Hope it didn't put you off your lunch!

Yesterday in work my patient needed a medication we didn’t have so I went to the unit next door for some. I then couldn’t find it for hours, I was convinced I’d put it in my pocket but it just disappeared. I was looking through his room again when a pen fell out of my pocket and I realised I had a big hole in it.

What I meant to say was “aha! I think it’s fallen out this hole in my pocket!”

What I actually said, with much excitement whilst pointing down, was “aha! I think it’s fallen out my hole!!”

The patient snorted and hid behind his book and my student walked out in fits of laughter.

At my single sex school we put on the usual school plays. One year we had a new lighting system installed with the help of the boys from the nearby boys school, which was called Sexeys (I kid you not). Our rather innocent headmistress stood up at the end of the final performance to thank them, and in front of assembled girls, parents and teachers announced “I don’t think there’s a boy from Sexeys who hasn’t been up and put a screw in here somewhere”.

Remembered another...

When I was a Media Studies student back in the 90s,after we had had a photography lesson in which some students were having their photos mounted onto cardboard for display, one the other students said of our photography teacher-

"Am I the only one who found it funny when Marco said does anyone need mounting today?"

I once asked my dm if my nan was going old and fertile.
I meant senile and have no ide where fertile came from.

Haha these are great.

I didn't realise I had no dog food in when my son was a newborn so I ran to Tesco over the road so desperate to feed my dog that I grabbed it off the shelf and opened the tin of ceaser handing it opened to the cashier like he was going to tuck in. Sleep deprivation in all its glory 😩

This thread has wasted away my afternoon and is fab. Thought I had nothing to add then came out with a corker today (am still giggling).

Out walking dog this morning round my neighbourhood and bumped into let’s say neighbour with dog number 1

Was discussing neighbour 2 who has two dogs one of which had broken its leg recently but I had seen him earlier on my walk... doggy with broken leg is a cockerpoo...

Me “oh have you seen “Dave” his cock is back out and about again”

Me and neighbour one just look at each other and burst out laughing. Hoping we don’t simultaneously run into “Dave” anytime soon!