Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Omg, I'm sitting here laughing like anything at these. So, so funny 😃😃

I did ask in an email if I could do a shit in a ward😬 bloody auto correct . My manager found it funny though

I used to work in a large Menswear shop, specifically in the shoe section, and everytime I either went to the stock room to get the left shoe(s) of the display one(s) the customers were trying on, or a pair in their size I would either say:

Hold on a second, I'll be back in a minute, or

Hold on a minute, I'll be back in a second

None of the other staff, or even customers seemed to notice, I heard myself say it one day and had to run giggling into the stock room, but the thing was, even though I then knew I was doing it, everytime I was serving a customer I was saying in my head DO NOT SAY IT, DO NOT SAY IT! but sure as eggs are eggs, everytime, one of the versions would come out my mouth. I still do it sometime, 30yrs later - least I can sort of blame my age and brain fog these days if anyone else notices .

Was my god sons christening very small affair in the church. the priest was coming round and we were introducing ourselves. I got all tounge tied and introduced myself as the child's godfather an not godmother as I should have. Still cringe thinking about it and the weird look the priest gave me.

Omg these are brilliant. At work in a hospital I wanted a certain lunch item which wasn't on display. I duly asked an assistant for a shit sandwich. She looked and then ...I meant a cheese sandwich ffs.

@Constantlurker I’m crying!!!

In case anyone's still wondering, I Googled Hairy Growler Jewellery and it's surprisingly safe!

Oh and another. I'm surprisingly very er naive about certain expressions. One of our daughter's favourite TV shows is called Waffle the Wonder dog. She's 2.She usually sings the song on the bus. Which would be fine if she knew the words but she doesn't really...anyway I'm half staring at my phone and half singing with her and suddenly the whole bus goes silent. Whilst discussing something on Facebook messenger that i only vaguely remember as mentioning colours, I had actually been singing about "Blue Waffle"...

DO NOT GOOGLE SEARCH THIS TERM AT WORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

it took me a while to realise why some folk on that bus were staring at me like that.

I'm in bed laughing so loud at these, I'm going to wake dh up in a mo.

I said to a client one time on an important call ‘can I have your vaj details’ instead of ‘can I have your vat reg details’
It took a minute for it all to sink in and I just burst out laughing and they burst out laughing and it was all great craic ... until they played the call back to me in a personal development meeting .. and then we all laughed too 😂 played it for the whole office so they could join in too.
I also said unicorn instead of uniform when doing out my post code for the sky man on the phone a few years back and often say b for bum lol

My mil called ve day...v.d day

THESe are d brilliant hairy growler fur part parting are brilliant

First job late teens Japanese boss asks me to take down a letter ... lease do letter to Mr WILcock at xyz company , scratches Chin and tells me to be sure to to send it mr wilcock in accounts payable and not mr wilcox in xyz department .. then to make sure I’ve got I to right right person he says make sure you get it right and send to Mrs wilcock who has one cock not two .... I have no idea how I kept a straight face

Omg, TALL MAN has literally had me in tears 😂😂
These are bloody amazing!!

I have a salt lamp with little balls which heat up and you can use them for massaging. I was at the in laws and I was explaining how my 1 year old DD keeps "licking my balls because they're salty" the whole family were in the room laughing

My first job after uni was thankless cold calling. Fortunately most people were at work but as I had targets to meet a message on an answerphone was acceptable. I was guzzling a can of coke as the phone rang out one day and as the answerphone kicked in and I went to leave a message the gas hit my stomach and I let out an almighty belch. On their answerphone.

I can't remember any of my own, so I'm going to C&P from a great classics thread:

"My father once addressed a press conference to do with the Civil Liberties Lobby and called it the Civil Liberties Lobberty throughout."

(I think the actual post was deleted but the thread is here.

Working for a printer, really awful customer who I was terrified of, she made me very nervous. New design, ‘tender cut lamb chops’ , yes, yes I did ask her if the artwork for her ‘ tender cunt ‘ was approved.
The colleague sitting opposite me just slid down her chair and under the desk in hysterics. Made the time I asked another customer what percentage tit ( should have been tint) he preferred pale in to insignificance.

My elderly DM and DF asked me to pop a box of biscuits round to their neighbour last summer as a thank you for their patience about some building work taking place for a few days.
Knocked on door of NDN with said biscuits and a thank you card. Turns out NDN aren't called, let's say, Fred and Freida. My DM and DF have just been calling them that for 10yrs completely randomly...
Also, was volunteering at a charity talk this evening, laughing to myself remembering these posts, also mentally making lists of things to do when I got home...I wished three groups of people entering a happy birthday instead of good evening. Not just one group but three separate groups of people!! It's like it was embedded in my head.
Shoot me now...

I was living in a flat with my daughter and we had an older single man living beneath us. Anyway, my daughter and I were in the bath together (she was only young) and the door goes, so we both get out putting our dressing gowns on. It was my neighbour at the door. We were stood there for a few minutes chatting but I couldn't understand why he had an odd look on his face until I closed the door. I had not pulled my dressing gown round me properly and the cord had came loose exposing my bare tits and vagina to my neighbour.

I'm dying! So funny! 'Enjoy your dump' and Tiny Cocks has set me off again!

My first 'proper' job after leaving uni was in banking where I was the youngest by a mile and everyone was super professional. The 'big' boss would waft through and everyone was terrified of him but he wasn't a beast. He occassionally spoke to some of us. The first time he spoke to me was by a busy vending machine when he complimented me on my new haircut....me- 'Oh thanks I've had my fringe fucked'!

He just muttered and everyone was stony faced. I thought I was going to get a warning! When he left, everyone pissed themselves to my great relief!

Definitely an excellent candidate for classics do you not think*@mnhq?!*

I agree, I love this thread so I sent @mnhq a pm.

@anothernamereally

Aged about 14, used to go to a local cafe with friends as I was totally in love with owners son who served us. I got all flustered when he came for our orders and one time instead of asking for sausage and chips, I asked for sausage and tits! Can still feel the burning sensation as my cheeks went bright red, while my mates fell about laughing. Mind you, the poor boy went just as red.

Working a lovely 17 hour shift on Election Day, big turn out, nowhere near enough staff for that polling station. You don’t get official breaks but we hadn’t been able to have a cup of tea or wee for about 7 hours...

We had started off the day by explaining to voters carefully that they had both a general election ballot paper and one for the local election.

12 hours in we were just barking “General! Local!” and nearly throwing the ballot papers at them.

Another surge of voters appeared and my colleague thrust ballot papers at an elderly man and shouted “GENERAL ANAESTHETIC!”

I sometimes cross paths with my dad out jogging in the morning as we don't live too far away from each other and both run early.

One day I thought I saw him in the distance in the woods and decided to hide behind a tree and jump out

Yes, it wasn't him. To make it worse I blurred out to the poor guy "sorry I thought you were my dad!" He was about 19.

I once asked the ice cream man for a 69 instead of a 99 😳 I was wrapped in a towel straight from the shower as well