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Original poster

Household objects that are pricks

323 replies

TossDaily · 12/10/2017 12:46

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

OP posts:
CatchIt · 12/10/2017 13:09

My dishwasher. It gaslights me, I fill it with its powder, I close it, turn it on and pop out to pick dd up from school and when I get back it either hasn't washed anything because the door needs closing or I needed to press the on button again even though it sometimes only needs pressing once. It hates me

Gribbie · 12/10/2017 13:10

My washing machine. Chirpy little twat! Plays a little ditty when it’s turned on. Really? Really?! Just shut the fuck up and wash.

CredulousThickos · 12/10/2017 13:10

Oh yes my washing machine is an absolute cunt. It has a play/pause button, and it is ridiculously easy to think you’ve turned it on and go about your day. No, it’s on fucking pause. Why? Why would even need that feature?

PurplePillowCase · 12/10/2017 13:12

apple corer - dangerous bastard

LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/10/2017 13:16

I also hate my toilet, which is a sidling cunt. It has not been placed centrally in its space but is jammed up against the basin for no reason other than to slowly irritate me to death.

My bathroom generally is awful and malevolent, it has weird cream/orange/wtf fake marble tiles with tiny threads of dark orange/red veining. It's like having a shower in a diseased lung.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/10/2017 13:17

@Gribbie my friend's old rental flat had a washing machine that played "Jingle Bells" when it was finished Confused

Trampire · 12/10/2017 13:18

My printer. It's always the printer.

"I'm not connected" (you are)
"I'm low on ink" (you have 5 brand new cartridges)
"Can't find the paper" (it's in your fucking paper tray!)

It's a total bastard.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/10/2017 13:20

Oh PRINTERS don't get me started, it's like they're actually something else like a blender or a hand-held sander and you're being totally unreasonable in asking them to fucking print something. Mine only uses the black ink if I print pdfs. Word document, no can do, run out of black, colour only, sorry!

SpottedGingham · 12/10/2017 13:20

The fridge that beeps because the door is open when I’m standing in front of it putting food inside does the arse think I’m going to teleport the food in through a closed door?

I also nominate my printer. It tells me it’s out of paper (having grabbed multiple sheets at once and shoved it all out again) then when I try to close its front door to reach the tray to put paper in it fights with me telling me it’s printing and the door needs to be open. Angry not without paper you prick!
Don’t get me started on the ink refill scenario... One day I will just lob it out the window so it can eat gravel. Grin

Original poster
TossDaily · 12/10/2017 13:25

Fucking printers.

I can't even.

OP posts:
ShesNoNormanPace · 12/10/2017 13:26

QueenJane my old tumble dryer did that. I figured the sensor had gone so started only using the timer then when it still did it I got a new one. That'll learn it Hmm Except now the new one always defaults to the "only a little bit dry" setting, if I want to get the "dry as a bone" option I have to press the button 3 more times. Why it doesn't just default to DRY I have no idea because silly me, I thought tumble dryers dried clothes. Until they were dry. Not just a little bit dry. Like, dry-dry. No, apparently not in Siemensland. There they like everything a little bit damp.

I also rejoiced when the dishwasher died recently and its replacement came with a light that shines on the floor when it's on - the old one was especially quiet, so would pretend to be on, only to be discovered hours later that the door wasn't actually properly closed so it hadn't even started the cycle it so was though so you'd end up turning everything off and shushing the kids for as long as it took to acknowledge that the door was actually really shut, and slamming it shut and waiting in silence again and shutting the door again and waiting in silence again - now if the light's on, it's on - end off.

PickAChew · 12/10/2017 13:27

My printer. I needed to print a total of 6 pages, yesterday, and it had me running upstairs to change an ink cartridge TWICE! Utter asshole, it is.

Lotsawobblybits · 12/10/2017 13:28

My aggressive bastard of a food processor.

Difficult to clean, power all or nothing, hole in the top not quite big enough- took the end off a spatula when I was trying to bodge a potato through the spout. Got wooden splinters in my sliced potatoes.

Slothful excuse of a washing machine is a dick- you think it has finished- but Oh No.....it probably has another 12 hours to go. Then it decides to do a random mid cycle earth rattling squeaking spin. Or the time it switched off & lulled DP into opening the door but it hadn't drained.

SpottedGingham · 12/10/2017 13:28

Oh and my printer has a quiet mode. Why the hell wouldn’t that be the default? Who would want a printer that huffs and puffs loudly for being asked to do what it’s supposed to?

LadyFlangeWidget · 12/10/2017 13:33

Oh god this made me laugh so much!!!! The only prick like household object I am ashamed to have chosen is my husband? Everything else works bloody brilliantly and doesn't whine, complain, or ever make me feel like killing it daily...

Original poster
TossDaily · 12/10/2017 13:34

Printers are teenagers.

OP posts:
LinoleumBlownapart · 12/10/2017 13:34

My washing machine is a bastard, it beeps a tune da-diddie-diddie-diddie-ding-ding then refuses to open the door for ages. Also no matter how little powder or liquid you put in the draw, it leaves half in there.

My shower hates me too, Sahara burn is 1/8th of a millimetre away from arctic winter Hmm

iknowimcoming · 12/10/2017 13:36

I have found my people Grin

Bastard printer spontaneously takes in paper makes a fuckton of noise when I’m home alone and scares the crap out of me but when I actually ask it to print it sits there in absolute silence refusing to do anything Angry

The washing machine and tumble dryer are in cahoots - every three months or so one of them chews a random item of clothing for some inexplicable reason, they both beep incessantly and the tumble dryer has about 8 different dryness settings eg baby dry (seriously FFS) iron dry, cupboard dry and extra dry and guess what - not one of them makes the clothes actually DRY in one sitting Angry

LinoleumBlownapart · 12/10/2017 13:37

*Drawer and for that I'm adding my bastard of a tablet

Girlsworld92 · 12/10/2017 13:40

This thread is brilliant Smile

lostpurplehoodie · 12/10/2017 13:48

My washing machine is a total twat. It says it has 2 minutes to go so you think better wait for it to finish before —sitting down and doing fuck all— getting on with something else and it makes you stand there for an eternity. Seriously the same person who invented TFL minutes did the timer on washing machines. The dickhead then beeps incessantly and doesn’t stop when you open the door, oh no, you have to turn the fucker’s dial to off too, even though it’s off. The bellend.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 12/10/2017 13:51

The dishwasher. It leaves sandy grit on everything, despite being fully topped up with salt and rinse aid, and fucking powerballs. Hardened brown gritty sand. So after its finished I have to wash it off everything. Talk about having a dog and barking yourself....

It's now also developed a bad habit of flinging its spinning arm off inside the wash.

Also I will nominate tiled floors. Just hate hate hate them. They never get properly clean, dirt hides in the grout lines and then wafts out once I've finished, always covered in dust or streaks or miscellaneous bits of debris.

Original poster
TossDaily · 12/10/2017 13:55

Tell you what else is shit. The George Forman grill.

It's such a complete cunt to clean, I don't care if it wrings every bit of fat out of a chicken breast, or turns a burger into a fillet steak - I hate it.

If you wait until it's cool enough to clean the crap welds to the corrugated hotplates and needs napalm to get it off.

If you try to do it while it's hot you can wave goodbye to your fingerprints.

And you can't even wash it properly or shove it in the arse of a dishwasher because it's electric and the hotplates don't come off.

Bag of shite.

OP posts:
OpalMoon · 12/10/2017 13:56

The printer, always a little temperamental, has discovered a new trick. Rather than whine it's out of paper, ink, frankincense or myrrh, it now sits there smugly claiming to be printing on behalf of another device.

Really? I don't think so. Not only are you quite obviously not printing anything at all you jumped up glorified typewriter, but this is a secure network and my laptop is the only "customer" you have.
Stop pissing about and bloody print damn you.

LittleMouseontheDairy · 12/10/2017 14:01

My printer is an arsehole. Had a typescript to print out on a deadline earlier this week and the fucking thing kept saying 'not connected'. YOU ARE CONNECTED YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. I've shoved all those bastarding leads right up your backside and wiggled them tight so I KNOW YOU'RE CONNECTED. Shoved them tight up the poor computer too so you messed with her as well. You're probably a Hollywood producer in disguise.