Household objects that are pricks

[TossDaily]

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

My printer gets the arse if you unplug it rather than power it down in the manner that it deems appropriate. When it's next turned on, a pop up box appears which contains a nagging 'don't you dare do that to me again you utter dick' message that you have to apologetically OK before you can use the pc at all let alone print from it.

Bastard fucking ironing board.

Trained killer. Probably SAS.

My stupid bastard dyson. Spend more time unblocking the arsehole than vacuuming.

Oh god yes, BASTARD PRINTERS!

Mine loves to say Searching...searching...searching......printer not found. AAARRGH it's right there you twat! Right next to the PC!
This sums up my feeling on the subject...

at the dishwasher that jizzes in eyes.

My hoover has tried to kill me on numerous occasions by falling on my head. Every time you use the pipe, over the bastard goes. I have to lie it down so it blows dust everywhere. Vile fucker.

It waits until I'm ironing the last clean shirt in the house before it shits itself all over the front of it. Horrible brown limescaley shite, rendering it unwearable

Someone told me that this was caused by high iron content in the water. I haven't had this problem since I started using bottled water in the iron.

This thread has made my day!

Every single bastarding washing machine I've had has either sat there and just not worked, or spat water all over the kitchen floor.

All the vacuums I've had have tried to kill me in one way or another, though our current one will happily turn on and stick to the floor. It won't pick up any dirt with this sticking to the floor suction either. So I put it in a corner, tell it off and leave it to DP.

.

My mandolin. I’ve lost more flesh and blood on that thing than I like to admit.

I have the beeping fridge that lets you know that the door is open. It’s open because I’m holding it open so I can put food in or get food out. It’s a bastard.
I have the iron that shits itself on clean clothes. Does anyone have an iron that doesn’t do this? If so, what brand?

Omg, so funny

I use bottled ironing water.

It still shits itself.

So it has expensive taste, as well as being an incontinent wanker.

Stupid bastard glass tv stand. I polish it until I can see my face in it then the second I turn my back it’s full of dust and dog hair again. Filthy wanker.
The corner of the wooden bed in my dsd room loves to attack my thigh on a regular basis. I bruise like a peach.
Stupid stupid Glade spray thingy thinks it’s so clever spraying me in the eye when I bend down to put something in the cupboard. I could move it but then it’s won.

@ShesNoNormanPace Thank god, I thought I was the only one with a fuckwit tumble dryer! This is a newish one, but we didn't choose it. Our old one got recalled (for wanting to go on fire like a sadistic bastard) and we were given the new one at a huge discount. It's definitely safer. The fucker is never on for longer than 10 minutes before you have to open the door, close it again and ask it nicely to try drying again! You have to open the door, can't just press 'go' again, because obviously I'm a twat who has no idea how long it takes to dry a cotton sheet and need to check

My bastarding dish washer pretends to be on but isn't, it knows I'll then get the arse and press all the buttons til the fucker starts.
It inevitably starts it's 12 hour maxi wash cycle designed to decontaminate atomic waste, and WILL NOT STOP until it's finished, the fucker actually kidnaps my crockery. It's a complete cunt, I refuse to add salt or clean it in the hope that it will die and I'll be able to buy a non cunty appliance in its place.

It sounds a right passive aggressive nobhead, ToBuy.

You have my sympathies.

The toss-potting TV guide on my Fuck Off flat screen telly can shit right off. You press it and it takes at least a minute to "load." All I want to do is scroll to see what's on tonight, I don't need anything worthy of pissing "loading."

• whispers - also that twatting Kodi thing is fucking useless at the moment.

We have a prick of a washing machine which screams incessantly when the cycles done. It will not stop until I get up to switch it off. It knows...

Also twat arse oven. It’s thermostat is a bit wonky. Always have to remember to set the temp lower than it needs to be as it’s about 30 degrees hotter than it should be.

Every fucking thing beeps. The microwave is a shouty beeping git when it’s accomplished its Herculean task of warming something for 30 seconds. (I’ve done it! Me! Did you see that, I warmed your soup! I’m amazing, me!)

The fucking washing machine beeps on the hour just to let you know it’s fucking Thursday or something.

The fridge cannot cope with its fucking door being open for more than four femtoseconds so unpacking seventeen (beep beep) bags of delivery (beep beep) food is unbridled (beep beep) joy.

The fucking cooker beeps at 3am instead of when our roast is done because every time it loses power it resets to the same time zone as Papua New Guinea, which is odd as it’s never left the Home Counties.

The only thing that doesn’t fucking beep is the timer.

Do car keys count? I swear mine like to hide on fucking purpose. They sit in some obscure corner giggling like complete and utter twats. Just when you’re about to give up ta da! They jump onto the kitchen side you’ve checked and cleared 15 times and pretend to have been there all along!

I never lose anything but these new fucking keys make me murderous

More of a garden object, but the lawn mower is a piss taking wankbadger.

Push choke x3, hold handle, pull cord.
Nope.
Pull cord.
Nope.
Pull cord.
Nope.
Press choke, pull cord.
Nope. Flooded.
Open petrol cap. Thimblefull of petrol. Drive to petrol station with small can. Purchase 5 litres of petrol.
Return home. Add petrol to lawn mower tank. Press choke x3. Hold handle, pull cord.
Nope.
Pull cord.
Nope.
Sob slightly, pull cord, wrench muscle in back.
Nope.
Wincing at pain in kidneys. Pull cord, sob.
OOOH NEARLY
Nope.

Collapse into long grass and have a tantrum.

Some washing machines and microwaves let you turn the noises off!! Ours did, the day I discovered I could silence the attention seeking beeps and tunes was a wonderful day - Google to see if yours does, I urge you!

Can't do the fridge though "aargh the fridge is panicking again, shut the goddamn door!" I cleaned it out on Monday, wanted to kill the bastard beeping thing by the end of it.

The Sky box. Works perfectly when the kids are watching whatever mindless shit keeps them occupied, but freezes like an Eskimo's bollocks whenever I want to watch something. Believe in Better, my arse.

My fridge doesn't beep but it's still an aggressive arsehole that randomly lobs things at me if I open it.

My espresso machine has a bad temper. It's usually fine but some mornings the rubber bit on the steam wand comes flying off violently, making everyone in the room jump and spraying milk everywhere.