Household objects that are pricks

[TossDaily]

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

I got my first computer in 1983. I've been working professionally with them since 1992, of which a large amount of that was in or around support. I've worked on everything from glorified pocket calculators to server estates costing hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I've seen technology advance from when 48kB of memory was considered a lot, to where 4GB is considered not enough; from when installing a card in a PC involved half a day of setting jumpers and DIP switches and swearing at configuration files, to plug it in and it'll probably Just Work and you don't even need to switch it off to do it; from spending the GDP of a smaller developing nation on a hard disk, to having a thousand times that amount of storage on my gorram keyring.

And the one thing that's remained a constant throughout all that time, from the mid-80s right up until the present day, is that getting a paragraph onto a piece of paper is always going to be a right cunt of a job.

@UKCougar fucking yes!

OMG, the goddamn printer!

My bastard printer has always behaved perfectly. Clearly lulling me into a false sense of security and just waiting for the day when I had to print off a RyanAir boarding pass. Because it knew that I'd then have no reason to suspect its undermining little arse - no reason to check it hadn't suddenly decided to print black as pale blue.

I'm sure we all know how this ended.

In case anyone isn't aware, the sublime Dave Gorman is in agreement with those of us who recognise the diabolical maleficence programmed in to printers. Well-worth watching if you have a UKTV login.

"Being gifted an Epson Stylus Photo R800 is like being given a puppy that only eats gold".

There is a happy ending.

My Windows laptop. Someone was giving it away and I thought it'd be handy for when you need to use Windows rather than Apple software (Indian visa application website, I'm looking at you). So there's that one time where you think "Oh, I wonder if this will work better on the other laptop?" and you fire it up (having first located the charging cable because obviously the bastarding battery is flat). But wait, what do we have here?

"Installing update 1 of 946"

Where is the NOT NOW, NOT FUCKING NOW I'VE GOT A TRAIN TO CATCH AND I NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE TICKETS button? Nowhere to be found, that's where, because - sanctimonious arsehole that it is - it thinks these updates are for your own good. Bastard.

The tumbledrier is a wanker too, what with its "filter blocked" warning light. On it pops and you drag out the filter to find a hair so microscopic it's invisible to the Hubble telescope let alone the human eye. Other times, however, there's enough hair in it to knit your own woolly mammoth and not so much as a blink from that fucking light. Bastard.

The printer has long since been banished under the sofa as punishment for its myriad crimes: not connecting, pretending it hasn't got any paper in it, complaining its cartridges are only 98.5% full etc. etc. An absolutely bastarding bastard.

Oh, I nearly forgot the bathroom extractor fan. It broke and one of the outside flaps fell off so it serves no purpose other than being a hole in the wall that makes the bathroom - and the entire house, if you forget to close the door - colder than a penguins knackers. Bastard.

I am now sacrificing my printer at the altar of time and effort.

It clunks like a 4x4 shunting a crash barrier and pauses to point out there's a paper jam.

I can quite clearly see there isn't as I haven't actually put any paper in yet. I've only just turned it on.

Clunk clunk paper jam. It is literally impossible to solve a problem that doesn't exist. Off to the tip with you!

This is after years of suffering the wireless printer needs a wire to print bollocks. Changed internet provider and the bastard thing refused to make friends with the wifi. The new one works via bluetooth with any device. Out with you you wired prick!

All technology in our house hates me the misogynistic bastards. All DH has to do is walk into the room and they start working. I once rang him about the printer and it started to work while we were on the phone 😡

Best thread EVER, keep em coming girls I’m laughing my head off as this is how I think about everything and everyone!
You are all hilarious x

I have a fucking list, my stupid bitch bag mother fucker tumble dryer, needs cleaning all the fucking time, not only does it have a lint catcher but a pissing filter at the bottom that has to be washed out, whenever it konks out & I get an engineer out they always say in a patronising voice you really should clean the filters out more often!

Next up my hob it’s a pissing induction hob & if get any water on it or clean it the fucker just constantly beeps!

The oven beeps as well so does the fucking fridge freezer if leave the door open too long, good I know but so pissing annoying too!

My google home the twat just doesn’t listen & knows fuck all if ask it anything l!

The hose on the Henry hoover at work likes to split open occasionally when I try and turn him a little bit, meaning you have to cut the excess off before the whole thing starts unravelling like a bloody corkscrew then try and screw it back into the thing that goes on his face. I used to be able to hoover above the curtain rails just by lifting my arm - now I have to hold Henry with one hand and hoover up high with the other, while trying not to fall over stuff as I'm working my way round tables and things.
The washing machine/dryer also like tripping the fuse box now and then.
The lift is the worst - it's old anyway, mostly OK despite that, but it has been known to break down for weeks at a time, even after a service. We know some of the lift engineers on a first name basis now.

got to be the printer here as well. It takes so long to print you have forgotten what you asked it to print by the time its done it. i am fed up of my partner swearing his head off at it as he has no patience. oh yes and we have tried everything but it hates the wifi so its back to an old fashioned cable which means you have a tiny area you have to squeeze in to connect to your laptop.
can i mention energy saving light bulbs? no wonder they gave them away you sit in the gloom hardly able to see anything i assume it is my partner sat on the sofa!

Fucking not connecting, ink guzzling, sanctimonious arse of a printer here too :( I need to LTB. @Hittapotamus - what Bluetooth printer did you get? Was it less of an arse in the long run?

@HaggisTheGreat HP OfficeJet 3835 Wireless Printer

DH uses them at work so was easy to set up.

My washer/dryer has a pause setting. Doesn’t work. You can pause and open the door if it has only just started a wash. What you can’t do is pause and open at any point during the drying cycle. Pause yes, open door - nope. So you have to turn the whole thing off at which point yes you can open but you then have to reprogrammed. Bastard.

Huzzah, the Dave Gorman printer sequence I mentioned above is up on Youtube now!

Please watch, dear Printer Hater, if you haven't seen it before; I promise it will make your day.

Our bastard Dyson that lulls us into false hope as it does a great job of hoovering up the (clean) litter our house cat kicks out of her tray before she uses it. But when you are done, and turn the bastard off, it regurgitates said litter all over the nice clean floor

Oh, I am coming back to this thread when I have a spare moment. I have found my people!

The Dyson. Split its hose every 12 months or so - expensive to replace. Apparently 'never loses suction'. Their testing facility obviously doesn't include 'teenage daughter's bedroom' as a scenario.

The number of times I've had the thing apart made me wonder whether I could make a good living as a Dyson engineer.

It's been replaced with a Shark.

Funniest thread ever! Thanks for the laughs 🤣🤣

need an updated version with coffee machines, air fryers and smart appliances that are thick as shit

Five years along, my opinion of wine coolers is worse rather than better. I can report the second wine cooler (the one with the heat exchanger that sounded like an un-oiled traction engine) also gave up the ghost and its corpse is still sitting there un-mourned and in disgrace to this day. I will not be replacing it.

So we have warm wine, a quiet house and the 15cm gap filled with a deceased wine cooler. Still down £200. I hope its soul is in hell with all the toasters.

I'm going to have the words 'scanning for updates' carved on my grave stone.

I have an air fryer. So far so good, right?

When it's finished cooking it beeps. How many times do we suppose it beeps? Once? Three times? Five?

Sixty. Six zero 60 beeps. I counted them. That's 59 too many, the attention-seeking little prick.

I can't decide whether my air fryer is a prick. It works really well and means we no longer have to live under the same roof as a toaster.

But the cheap-ass non-stick coating is already coming off after c.18 months (yes we did go for a decent brand) and two of the segments in the timer display have gone dark. After 18 months.

No, it's not a prick: It's a loser.