Household objects that are pricks

[TossDaily]

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

My alarm clock. Every fucking morning it screeches down my ear hole at stupid o clock to get up for work.
One of these days I'll launch the screechy bastard into fucking orbit.

Glass dining table was a massive fucking mistake too

Omg yes to that. Smear city Mine ended up with an oilcloth permanently on it. And the added irritation of Dh regularly asking why - even though he knows perfectly well why - and then pointing out again that it was me who wanted it. Yes alright!

YYY to all the printer hate. Mine has to have a power button held down for approximately 3 hours before it will get the fucking message, The alternatives are a) leave it on all the time and only remember when you turn the bedroom light off that its sodding power light is shining right in your face b) turn it off at the plug and be subjected to its judgemental little rants next time you switch it on. And I know it checks to see how many flights of stairs I am away from it before it decides whether it can be arsed to pick up the sodding paper or whether it wants me to come up and fucking spoon feed it.

I have to put in a word for the tumbledryers though. They’re only obeying orders, because they’ve been well and truly Volkswagened. Energy efficiency ratings are based on factory’s setting and if factory settings are “get it to luke warm and damp, it’ll be fine” then it uses much less power. What you need to do is spend an hour looking for the manual which you know you stored in the Manuals file. Give up, go to the internet. Nearly brain yourself finding the model code which is printed in the worst possible place in invisible ink. Go back to the internet, locate the manual. THere, in the tiniest possible print, on page 376, are the mystic runes that enable you to tell the machine that actually you’d like your clothes dry. It’s a process reminiscent of the climax of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade but it should work.

Also plastic storage boxes. They breed like rabbits, clatter out of every cupboard at every opportunity and never never never have a matching lid. Plenty of lids, plenty of boxes...but none that go together.

Also pens. I buy pens, lots of pens. Never a pen anywhere.

And socks..

Duvet covers. I will do all household jobs apart from changing the duvet.
Also fitted sheets. You put one corner on then the next corner, then the original corner pops off. Prick

My kettle.

The flick switch is broken so if I want coffee I have to weigh the switch down with a tub of sugar and then wait to take it off again so it doesn’t over boil

I have a shower over my bathtub. Everytime I go to put the plug in bath and run the water, the shower drips cold water on my hand. Like it hates me or something.

The telly, oh yes to that too!! Why WHY does it need three controllers turned on in a sequence that is probably more complex than that required to detonate a nuclear weapon?

I blame Dh. Men seem to love overly complicated TVs with menus and sub menus and surround sound and HD (which looks the same as non HD to me ). Everything takes ages to do. I long for the simple days of three channels, the national anthem at 10.30, white dot, then bed.

And ours also mysteriously switches itself off. It's more temperamental and moody than the teenagers here.

Oh god, what is the fucking point of HD?

Yes, I really want to inspect Suranne Jones' pores

My telly threatens to turn itself off at random moments. I'll be watching something when a message flashes up.

"TV will turn off in 20 seconds. Press OK to keep watching."

Then it starts a countdown and sits there pissing itself while it watches me frantically turning sofa cushions over and tipping the dog up to find the remote, which is of course the wrong fucking one when I do find it.

It's toying with me. It knows full well I won't be able to turn it on again if it does switch off.

Bastard.

My phone is a flaky twat. Nestle it safely in my bag or pocket and it carelessly falls over onto the massive power button stupidly placed right in the middle on its side and restarts itself, screwing up its memory management in the process. It's often so dazed from its stumble that I have to fully resuscitate it.

I treat it to only the best accessories. Expensive, powerful portable charger, expensive robust cables. It takes one look at them, turns up its nose, grumbles that it refuses to associate with such lowlife and grudgingly trickle charges, forcing me to give up using it and put it back in my bag, at which point it has another full blown tantrum and knocks itself out, again.

I would like to speak up for tumble dryers too but I suspect that's because mine has me in a hostage situation and I have developed Stockholm Syndrome. Basically it REALLY dries my clothes, like bone dry. But I also know it's a model on which there is now a product warning. So the sinister sod is actually an arsonist in waiting, but it knows I'll tolerate the fear and uncertainty because it does dry my clothes. It's just waiting till I leave the house.

Oh yes and why has my TV developed the habit of turning on a screen saver?? You're a sodding TV. I'm watching you. I'm not going to be interacting with you every ten seconds am I? Lazy arse.

Our printer feels obliged to print out a printer alignment page almost every single time we want to print something. So it's the usual problem. Send to print. Wait for printer to wake up. Printer sounds like it's doing something. Then out comes the alignment page. I don't want the alignment page I want my printing. Now I have to scan the alignment page so the printer can align itself. Fiddle with the scanner. Make sure have the page in the right place on the scanner otherwise it doesn't work. Wait for alignment. After it manages to do all that it then forgets that it was going to print my printing so I have to send it to print again.

The freezer makes random popping and buzzing noises. Which make us jump. "What was that?" Of course it is just the freezer reminding us that it exists. I know for next time to ask what it sounds like when turned on.

My iron has a cleaning setting that you have to do every now and again to get rid of the gunk that will come out. Fill it up, put it on the highest setting, wait until it has heated up, then unplug and hold over sink, put the steamer on, press special button and all the gunk empties out. According to the instruction manual you should do this every week. I only do it when desperate.

I had a tantrum a few weeks ago, dh came home from work to find me stamping round the house muttering about shutting the bastard up for good.
I think he was relieved when I found the duck tape and taped the switch on the fucking fridge. It no longer switches the light on when you open the door but at least the noisy twat doesn't beep whenever the doors been open for more than a millisecond.

My printers an arsehole too, dh can make it print wirelessly from his phone, from work (which means the twat waits until the house is quiet to send a print saying feed the cats or something), but if I ask it to print something important from the pc that it's actually wired to? Not a chance, it'll huff and puff, groan a bit, then the pc will tell me it's not attached. I had a letter to print last week, I had to email it to dh and get him to print it wirelessly. From a work course. In fucking Italy. Twat.

My washing machine. Turn it on, then go and make breakfast, eat breakfast, go to wash breakfast ware in sink. Look at washing machine cycle and think "Still on wash, grand, no draining to be worrying about." Fill sink and start to wash ware. Washing machine seizes opportunity to dump all the water at once, blowing out the plug in the sink, "Sorry mate, were you using that?". That's why a pause button is so handy.

Coffee filter. Works perfectly fine, makes coffee to an acceptable standard but, the coffee jug is the weak member in the team. Can't pour straight to save its life and pisses coffee from its spout - only not always so you never know when it might happen.

The electric kettle sits next to the coffee filter and decides to get in on this pissing everywhere lark. Pouring from the kettle at anything more than the shallowest of angles results in scalding hot dribbles and splashes all over the place. Fucker.

Ah my iron randomly shits itself too
My new slow cooker is an incompetent twat - the lid is not airtight FFS and it cooks all my food till it's dry

My Henry is a bit of a knob too. Refuses to go round corners without taking chunks of plaster off the walls, so I have to go and physically pick it up and carry it around like a bloody handbag incase it throws another tantrum and refuses to move.

My Tevo box pisses me off every morning. Why do I have to wait for you to wake up you lazy arse hole? I have enough trouble waking everyone else up, I don't need your lazy arse giving me attitude too!

All-in-one remote control that's supposed to replace five other remotes, but actually doesn't because it can't control the volume, won't switch the TV off and gets in a "mode" where it does no buggering thing at all unless you switch every single electronic device in the house off.

Oh, and makes you standing pointing at the TV for four whole minutes while everything turns on, otherwise some bit of equipment will decide off is more fun than on, and the whole things a disaster of off / on, and the only solution is, again, to switch every single electronic device in the house off.

Absolute floundering fuck-helmet.

There are running themes here, out printer was a complete knob that liked you to hand feed paper to sheet by sheet & sit & praise it's brilliant work otherwise & refused to work & lit up all of its useless buttons. That went in the skip after printing documents to move house probably took longer than ACTUALLY moving house.

In temporary flat in between the kitchen cupboards regularly took to 'spitting tins of food out at me' as if you say "you bring us here? How dare you??!!! There's not enough room to hold spices???...here SEE..."as it spat one out breaking the handle off my favourite (gifted) Emma Bridgewater mug then onto my iPhone SMASHING the screen ...obviously the shitting cupboards also knew I'd had a particularly trying day with the new house's builder that day. Shitter.

In new house chose lovely new Neff appliances including microwave /oven with touch power button. EVERY MORNING IT REFUSES TO POWER ON for my porridge. I touch it, I stroke it, I press it light, hard & the bastard won't give me my porridge!! When it then does turns on it gives a cheery "beep bleep" hello! By that stage I'm shouting....engineer coming next week to fit new electric board to fix "known problem with over hibernation" I'll give you overhibernation

Oh and TV wanting you press buttons to keep watching it....WHY???!!!!

The appliances in the kitchen in my rented house send me in to a spin trying to work out whether the beep is coming from the dishwasher, the fridge, freezer,oven or microwave and the the sodding washer or dryer from down the hall. It feels nagging. When buying in future will look for less judgemental appliance.

This will so out me, but I must add Fire Extinguisher to the list of shockingly behaved appliances.

Was mooching around a well known high street book shop, in my electric wheelchair.

Went to look at some nice notebooks and realised that I could not get round the end of the aisle, due to a display at the end.

No problem, thinks I, I will just reverse back the way I came.

As I reached the entrance to the aisle and started to execute a perfect 3 point turn, I heard a very loud wrenching/cracking noise, followed by a BANG!

I turned around in my seat and saw a stupid, bastarding Fire Extinguisher laying on the floor behind me, covered in dust, waving its little black nozzle, saying 'help! I fell!!' Not only had it 'fallen' off the wall, but it had also decided to rip the wooden board that it was attached to the wall off too, leaving a hole in the wall and a number of screws decorating the flooring area, for good measure.

By this point, every single person in the entire store was frozen and staring at me and all I could do was slink out of the shop (as best one can in a wheelchair), muttering apologies and something about 'sneaky red things'.

Arse!

Whitelisbon I regularly email stuff to DH at work to print out so that I don't have to traipse upstairs to the study and fight with our fucker.

DH thinks our printer has actually broken and this is why.

And YES I'm regularly fucked off waiting for the TV guide to 'load' on the TV. The fucking programme has usually finished by the time the sodding guide has deigned to provide me with information about what's on.

Can I add my washing line props to the list?

They fill with water and sneakily rust inside. But they're put together in such a way that the rusty water shouldn't be able to come out during normal use.

And it doesn't.

Not until the first time I hung my lovely new cream coloured towels on the line; went to get them in and the props had vomited indelible dirty rusty brown stains all down them. I swear they looked smug.

Fuckers.