to warn you all to take out the extended warranty on your child?

[entropygirl]

I didn't as I didn't think it was good value for money at the time and now I am stuck with a faulty child!

A, by no means comprehensive, list of the faults includes:

The emission of stinking substances of various consistencies and colours; no understandable speech but instead the child has started emitting high pitch yells for no apparent reason; a total lack of musical ability; a tendency to use noodles as a weapon of mass destruction; a faulty sleep mode which fails intermittently throughout the day and night; and some sort of failure in the mobility function which causes falling and bumping.

I suppose as I have only had the product (of conception) for 10 months I may be able to get a refund under the manufacturers guarantee instead?

ROFL!

OP, I only have a few suggestions that no doubt the "professionals" would be horrified about, so of course I'll have to share them now.

1. Noodles as weaponry - ignore what HV and books say about baby led weaning and self feeding. Spoon all the food in yourself and stick to non messy items. Cue lots of mash potato and only pasta then can be grabbed with a fork by parent. Child is very welcome to practise self feeding in time to handle school dinners by practising at nursery and letting them clean up the mess. If you must have noodles, roll them into a fork and spoon feed.
2. Turn on Postman Pat and a few Peppa Pig episodes daily. Too much exposure to tv of course, but your child will soon come out with a huge vocabulary of real speech, and most of it with perfect grammar. But side effect might be an over fondness for splashing in muddy puddles.
3. Call in the maintenance specialist to deal with the rest of the anomalies - ie your DH. The occasional nappy change, walks in the park on his shoulders or in the buggy, so that DC is tired out and sleeps better at night.
4. Mobility function anomaly - put only on soft carpets/blankets and rugs. Cordon off sharp corners with cushions and other obstacles like lots of soft toys.

For mums whose product is way past the extended warranty - there is always Tiger Mother. Actually, I think the threat of calling in Tiger Mother is more effective. Mwah ha ha.

Fwiw, have noted that once your model reaches 13yrs, the sleep malfunction will shut down completely until at least early afternoon. Any attempt to override said shut down will usually result in your model exploding!

I have 2 pink models, apparently at some stage they will want to interact with some blue models, is this advisable?

Absolutely IFeelLoved! Only through prolonged interaction and and an eventual marriage of the two operating systems, will you be able to install the add on application, !Grandparent mkI'.
This app is vital also for activation of 'Mother in Law From Hell' 'I Told You So' and 'IN My Day we did it like this'!

grrrr. mechanic (doctor) refused to service model and insisted we take it back to original delivery site....I am still refusing to return to said site on the basis of rudeness of delivery persons and there failure to accept parcel bigger than letterbox issues...

grrrr their/there fault now persistent also...

Oh CRIKEY! My mkII model has picked up a virus! It has gone into limp mode, is unable to integrate it's morning victual upload and has gone into hibernation!

Chilenachica -- have you considered the Scrappage Scheme for your older models?

Where did you get it from?

I find its worth paying that little bit extra. Although mine came from Peter Jones they couldn't fix it so I took it to the Apple Store and they just gave me a new one on the spot

My pink model has developed limpet mode in the past few days. Is there a way to turn this off?

Oh yes I forgot to mention the sleep function worked for 3 nights just before Christmas, since then it's been malfunctioning along with the feeding function(which now only wants to operate at night)

I paid £8,000 for mine from www.IVF.com and I don't think it's any better than those cheap models from www.justshag.com.

After only four years it has developed a really annoying whine that no amount of tweaking will fix.

I need to read the manual again.

whatthecatdraggedin - hmm tricky one. You might be entitled to a rebate if you go onto one of those PPI type sites or Lawyers4You.

£8000 should entitle you to a bottle of high grade organic almond oil or something for the squeakiness.
Or have you tried Jaffa Cakes- I find it cures most noises. There's a handy slot in the front of your model to insert them.

70, unfortunately my model returns all fuel that contains egg additives. it is not pleasant.

I luff you guys!

My 1998 model seems to spend a lot of time buffering while sitting on the sofa staring into space.

not funny

This thread is just hilarious!:o

My own four month old pink model generally works fine but the external facade keeps flaking, surely that's a design fault - can anyone recommend a particular polish or should I speak to the manufacturers at ivf.com?

you sure aren't porca....

Not sure if this works for pink models Melawen though no reason why not.

When my blue model was about 2 year old (so fairly new) we found a good layer of mud (garden mud is fine) , sandpit sand or beach sand and melted ice-cream kept the outer casing in good nick.

Don't forget to smear the oval slot (below the two holes where they keep plunging their 'finger' probes in ) with melted chocolate.

Then immerse in a warm solution of H2O and a good quality detergent (Infraderm is good). After a wrap in soft towelling cotton and a light duting of talc, they'll be good as new.

Blue models should have this layer left on for as long as possible, unless you can manually alter to volume switch.

70isaLimitNotaTarget I have tried the Jaffa Cake slot, but at the moment it is too clogged with Easter Egg (I think I accidentally maxed out it's capacity).

Unfortunately while these and other similar fixes do reduce the whine in the short term, I get extreme bounci-ness and a loss of sleep function

Do you think I could get a rebate using one of those No Win No Fee people? They're texting me all the time...

Mine started off great, a happy smiley compliant model. But at 8yrs old it has become uncooperative and whiney with moments of extreme temper and is showing signs of a worrying door slamming malfunction.

You might get a rebate under Trades Descrition or Sale of Goods Act.
But not under Accidental Injury. I reckon IVF.com are have a very long waiting list to aquire one of their exclusive models. (Not to mention the £8000)

BTW my Blue Model was rolling at his 4 month mum-and-baby-class and knocked a baby with his arm (complete accident)

This baby that his mum had spent over £12 000 to aquire (many,many IVF cycles)
Luckily she wasn't (too) PFB .
He was quite a good model come to think of it.No scratches or anything

Crikey! I downloaded shapesorterpro but the only noticeable change is that the model dunked every single item of food in her water before eating it.....strange.

Mine leaks