to warn you all to take out the extended warranty on your child?

[entropygirl]

I didn't as I didn't think it was good value for money at the time and now I am stuck with a faulty child!

A, by no means comprehensive, list of the faults includes:

The emission of stinking substances of various consistencies and colours; no understandable speech but instead the child has started emitting high pitch yells for no apparent reason; a total lack of musical ability; a tendency to use noodles as a weapon of mass destruction; a faulty sleep mode which fails intermittently throughout the day and night; and some sort of failure in the mobility function which causes falling and bumping.

I suppose as I have only had the product (of conception) for 10 months I may be able to get a refund under the manufacturers guarantee instead?

[Chubfuddler]

Mine now seems to have had a sensory download which leads to it waking between 1am and 3am.

[jaggythistle]

Mine's not even 2 days old and this evening he's stuck on feed mode for the last 4 hours. he has just gone into snuggle mode temporarily but it might not last long.

his big brother is only able to travel round the house at high speed and seems to have some navigational difficulties with door frames and other obstacles.
these should be on watchdog with all these issues.

[fullofregrets]

Mine has a 'run and destruct' programme that operates in public places.

Yesterday I found it also had issues with its speech cycle having shared the following information with a lady behind us in the queue in a cafe:
"I went to the toilet but I only had a wee. Not a poo. The poo was poking out a bit but then it went back in."

I noticed the lady did not select the chocolate fudge brownie. So it appearance the embarrassing my mother in public function has now kicked in.

[fullofregrets]

appears

[MyleeneCrass]

You guys can't have missed the reset button between the first and second toe?

[entropygirl]

full that is truly amazing and certainly not something that was shown on the box...

[fullofregrets]

No entropy it was not. These sorts of things really should be mentioned before deciding to purchase.
Mine is nearly three, maybe I should do something before the three year warranty expires.

[Blackpuddingbertha]

Mine have dysfunctional volume controls. They both came from the same supplier - should I have tried a different source for the second?

[Moominsarescary]

I've tried to get a fully functional one three times now.

[entropygirl]

I would definitely not order again, although that is more to do with delivery problems than the persistent faults. I will probably stick to getting this one serviced (at the doctors) tomorrow.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

jaggythistle 2 days old...
Altogether- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[jaggythistle]

i feel quite myself! except i just coughed unexpectedly and made my injured fanjo hurt. (this one had a malfunction on delivery and required a ait of help) better than no1 who wouldn't come out at all and had to be retrieved. FFS

[ifeelloved]

You should do what many others have done and just get a new one

[FrankWippery]

I've tried four times and all are duds. And they are constantly requiring upgrades.

[Bogeyface]

Calm down people!

I am a trained engineer and I will walk you through the fix for these common problems.

1. Place faulty item in safe place of your/their choice. Common places are in front of the TV (better for older models), or for younger models in a play pen or crib
   

1. Inform manufacturer that the child has developed a fault and you are currently online with the engineer for a fix and they must monitor the item for further faults as and when they develop.
   

1. Pour wine, take to bathroom, LOCK DOOR
   

1. LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR, I MEAN IT
   

1. Run bath
   

1. Play music, loud enough to cover sounds of manufacturer and faulty item
   

1. Soak in bath
   

1. (Optional) Shout at manufacturer that it is responsible for fault and should step up to its responsibility. WHAT PART OF LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR DID YOU MISUNDERSTAND?!
   

1. Drift down in a perfumed haze, smile at manufacturer and suggest placing an order for another model.
   

10. Call ambulance.

11. Wait 20 years and the problem should then be fixed

HTH Ladies :)

[Bogeyface]

Jaggythistle your "delivery issues" made me :o

Reminds me of victoria Wood saying that when she gave birth she looked down and thought "there's a design fault here"! She said its like watching two inefficient delivery men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small door, only in this case you cant say "oh sod it, bring it through the French windows" :o

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I like your instructions up till Stage 9 there Bogey.
The original packaging was shreeded taking the product out.
It was carefully repaired (twice) but I reckon there's been some shifting and prolapsing going on.

I'd need to make sure there was some sort of re-inforcement undertaken, maybe steel staples?

[DialsMavis]

I have used 2 suppliers (no brand loyalty chez DialsMavis ) and both products are shaping up to extremely similar so far. The newer girl model has an excellent improved sleep function, but the mark1boy needs less and less essential maintenence as it ages. Vocal malfunctions seem to be increasing year on year though

[Bogeyface]

Usually just the suggestion of another model is enough to make the manufacturer reasses the situation with the current faulty model. However, if not, then the suggestion that unless the faulty model is dealt with in conjunction with the manufacturer then no further orders, real or sample, will be placed, usually does the trick.

[Bogeyface]

Dials

Vocal malfunction is a common one. It should gradually petre out around teen.1 where they usually cease communicating at all unless to request food. Occasionally it will emit loud and offensive expletives to the owner, but this is a glitch that generally works itself out at around 18+GF/BF

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

My markII developed an incredibly unpleasant fecal malfunction! The unit would go into sleep mode quite happily at first, but after a year or so, would reactivate soon after shutdown, disconnect its waste disposal receptacle and distribute said waste around the room and over itself! the unit would then lapse into sleep mode, and remain there until its processors detected the malfunction, and triggered the alarm!
MarkI is 16 years old now, and seems to spend most of its time in 'limp mode'!

[Bogeyface]

Ah yes, the MarkII were notorious for that, although all models have been known to develop that particular issue. The best fix is to put the fecal receptacle on backwards and secure with additional fixings. We recommend elastoplast tape take from front to back, around to the front and tied off at the side. Its not 100% foolproof but seems to work in most cases.

[Bogeyface]

Btw ^^ is totally serious! Its only way i prevented my lot from redecorating their rooms that popular F&B shade "Hint of Shite".

[Bogeyface]

that should have had lots of upward arrows in it, not sure why they didnt come out!

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Mine has a very sensitive audio dial.
DC1 can hear a biscuit tin open from 3 rooms away but not me saying "DS your coat is there. " When I'm within 2' of his audio receptors.