OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

I'd email her back and tell her of this politely. Just sounds like she's too thick to get it.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Though I guess its better that she's interested in your dd rather than being an uninterested, horrible step parent.

I remember you threads, they behaved like absolute shits with everything they did. She is obviously feeling insecure now things are starting to become civilised between you and your ex again.

I wouldn't meet her, just decline and say that you and you ex are able to deal with all the issues surrounding parenting your children. Leave her feeling insecure you don't owe her anything.

'I appreciate your sentiments in the invitation, but as there is no way I can form a genuine friendship with you, considering the harm you have caused my family and I, I don't believe in being disingenuous 'for the sake of the children', and therefore do not intend to spend time with you. I am keen to create a workable parenting partnership with XH which is why I requested the meeting, but I do not feel that a direct relationship with you is necessary at this time.'

Sorry this doesn't sound that great, but something along these lines?

Hi lunar :) and thank you Viva for your quick replies!

My DP suggested I email my ex saying I only feel it's appropriate to focus on our co-parenting relationship, re-issue the invite to meet on neutral ground and CC her in, without reference to her email.

It's appealing but I don't know if I'm being passive agressive by doing it that way. I just can't get my head around them at all. Not that I should be surprised really, I can see that she would feel threatened by a thawing of the ice. But really, that's not my problem, is it?

I'm tempted to point out that my children are already aware (in an age appropriate way) of what happened between us. I have no intention of lying and think they will be hurt less if it's just part of their normal understanding of their childhood... DS1 has asked why daddy doesn't live with us, so I say daddy wanted to live with OW instead, and it's sad but we are happy so it's ok bright smile inserted here

I honestly think she imagines I will never mention it to them and we can all pretend it never happened

Sorry littlefoot x-posted there. I don't think I can trust myself right now to reply at all!! still have this face on me

She has some nerve. Sounds like she is trying to rewrite history.
I like littlefoot's message and I'd copy XH into as well and also send your email copying her in, so everyone knows exactly where they stand

I think you are right. It ie inappropriate of her to email and say what she did, so don't reply to it. Ignore and concentrate on maintaining civil channels of communication with ex. That isn't being passive aggressive.

WWYD? It is very clear if you put yourself in your dc's shoes.

They have gone through a lot and through no fault of their own. They do not want or need animosity in their lives because that would ruin an otherwise idyllic childhood. They could have got a harridan of a step mother instead of one who wants to be friends with you and who gives your sons a wonderful pet such as ducks. (Children who have pets learn responsibility, compassion, discipline, etc especially if they are involved in looking after them, mucking them out, feeding them etc)

They only get one childhood and your anger and resentment will create absolute MISERY for them. Lifelong undiluted misery.

You could be magnaminous and offer to meet up with ow for coffee and thrash out some dates where you can do things with the dc and invite her too. Grit your teeth and do what is best for your dc.

You cannot live a life of bitterness at what has happened to you and so for your dc's sakes, put it behind you and forge a happy new way forward with your lovely new dp.

Surprise OW and be lovely and civil. After all, if it hadn't been for her you would not have met your lovely new dp.

The ball is in your court. Ruin your dc's childhood with past bitterness and resentment towards their new step mum or start afresh.

Good luck op x

What a cow. My response would not be nice! But I have one hell of a temper and very little restraint!

No, it's definitely not your problem. I like your DP's idea. Don't respond to her directly.

As you said she's not important and it's not necessary. She sounds like she's threatened by the thawing of ice between you and ex dp.

It's not your job to make her feel comfortable or to explain anything. I wouldn't give her the importance of a direct reply. Meet her ducks? She wants to be all nicey-nicey now that it suits her?

She can get the boat, the stupid fool.

Or you know, don't. Deal with XP only. She bought them ducks? Big effing deal. Why should OP be at OW's beck and call? Why should OP agree to OW' rewriting of history?

'OW FUCK OFF' Short but moving speech

Not appropriate I know but that's what I would want to say.

I think littlefoot has it spot on. It is like they are trying to re-write history. Lets pretend the affair never happened. All it does is appease their guilty conscience.
The DC's are too young to understand atm and OW must be fearful of the future when they are old enough to understand her part in their family break down.

You do need to reply and you need to make the boundaries clear to her in the hope that even though she has crossed them once (affair) she will not cross them again.

You're missing the point, wot. There's more to bringing up children than being a happy and cheerful organiser. The op wants to bring up her children to respect boundaries and not be told lies.

Perhaps she liked the drama of it all and now that has subsided and you are happy as larry, she need to stir something up.

lol wotoodoo... I am the least bitter or angry person around :) my kids have a perfectly lovely childhood and are completely loved - the issue is not that I am ruining their innocence with vitriol.

And really? the ducks should be the deciding factor? I have to be honset, your post made me laugh. I know you probably meant well but it's clear you don't have any experience of this kind of situation, and if you do, it's certainly not from the side that got shat on.

But thanks for sharing your perspective, it's all grist for the mill. I won't be replying to anything for a while, so I'll consider it along with everything else.

I also wondered if nef had been involved in similar. The breezy it's FINE, everyone is FINE! Can I distract you with your shiny new DP! Made me wonder

Sorrry wot not nef.

exactly - to respect boundaries and not be told lies - that's totally the point. Thanks YeGods. Much better than I put it. I am still a bit overall and it's all a bit bewildering. DottyDoo I love your speech

I think the general consensus is not to reply to her, and just deal with XH Which was my gut feeling anyway. I don't want to get drawn into drama or rewriting of history, and there's no potential for friendship. So I will just have to say that politely to XH and bring the focus back to coparenting our DC, between the two of us. it doesn't seem to get simpler as time goes on. What a PITA the whole bloody situation is.

Is she proposing you are 'auntie' or god mother to her child?

Little's note is spot on - calm, factual and states how you feel. You haven't name called or told here where to stick her ducks.

Modern families are difficult, however she could have been a real bitch to your kids and tried to drive a wedge in between them and their dad, of constantly run you down to them behind your back. Its not much consilation, but my grandmas step mum used to lock her in cupboards, beat her up and refuse to pay for doctor/dentist for her.

Feel free to borrow my speech anytime.

I suppose then it is how you choose to address it with EX. Is he aware of the e-mail?

I am always staggered when I hear that the OW is demanding friendship/civility from a wife. I mean where in their tiny minds is that ever the right thing to do?

I have never knowingly had an affair ( I suspect an ex in my younger days was not as single as he made out) but if I did my stance would be a very respectable distance with a needs must form of contact with the wife.

wotoodoo - I'm speechless. Well, not quite but the breathtaking ignorance in your post certainly gives pause for thought.

Everything about OW is positive? This is the female that ripped OPs life apart, broke up her children's home, left them homeless? yes, she is a harridan and that is putting it politely. Who in their right mind would ever trust this creature far less be happy she was in their DCs lives? OP knows she has to accept it but no way does she have to be anything but icily civil to her, far less friendly.
All children who get pets learn compassion etc? Nonsense. Some children do - others are indifferent and neglect them and some even hurt the animal. Stop generalising.

The tenor and content of your post suggests someone who is in a similar position and is unable to acknowledge the magnitude of her actions. Try taking those blinkers off.

I think maybe put the idea of coffee with him on the back burner. You already said dc are happy and if it's going to invite these preachy emails, why bother?

It's a nice idea but he's a shit.

I'd mail her back;

"OW I'm not sure why you keep trying to involve yourself in situations that aren't your business though, considering how your 'relationship' with XH started your insecurity is understandable. There's very little point in you contacting me again. I have no intentions of being your friend. And I really don't give a fuck about your ducks."

(Probably not that last part)

I'd respond with "It's in my childrens interest for me to have a friendly or at least cordial relationship with their father. You are of no consequence. I do not need to be your friend, nor do I want to be your friend. As long as we are polite to each other, the children will be fine. Thank you for your interest in my children's wellbeing, you do not need to concern yourself with them, they have a mother and father to do that. Please do not contact me again"

I know it's a blessing she's not horrible to my kids. And I am grateful for that, it makes everything a great deal easier. Nevertheless, while I can support their positive relationship from afar, being friends with her myself would be very unrealistic. Just as she doesn't slag me off, I never ever say anything negative about my XH or her to the children. They have a right to happy relationships with all of us.

OW doesn't have a right to a happy relationship with me though. And in the absence of that, I think no relationship is the only sensible answer. I would prefer to have no relationship with their dad, but in the real world he and I have to have a relationship, and ideally a good, friendly, respectful one. Hence my efforts to get to that point. I suspect I may simply be over-optimistic on that front, given that he's immediately deferred to her. It doesn't seem that he shares my desire to get along as parents of our DC, he'd rather that the messy bits were dealt with my the women in his life.

Should have seen that coming, on reflection. Very true to form.