OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

she's about 20 weeks I think. DS1 asked me how the baby got in there and I said daddy put the baby in her tummy, then swiftly moved on (he's not quite 4). Apparently XH offered to show our DC a video of the baby in OW's tummy and DS1 deadpanned 'no thanks, but I want to see the video of how you put it in there'

I love my DC!

I suspect that maybe as she is now pregnant she may be feeling a bit vulnerable? Maybe she is even feeling threatened by you extending the olive branch to your XH?

Either way it doesn't matter how she is feeling I would just reply and decline, you and her don't need to be friends for your children to have a good relationship with their father. She seems completely self absorbed and lacking in self awareness. Reply saying that you don't wish to visit her house or meet her ducks and that you and your XH will continue work together to ensure that the children have quality time and a good relationship with both their parents?

Don't extend the coffee invite again for a while but maybe ask him next time he drops the children back to you? Have a fun, friendly chat? The bitch in me would want to do this when she is heavily pregnant or when the baby is very newborn.

Fwiw you sound like a very strong person and a great Mum.

My Step Father and my Dad were never friends, I can't recall them saying more than two sentences to each other, they certainly wouldn't visit each others houses and this hasn't effected my relationship with them.

Dear OW,

For now let's keep it simple, particularly as you cannot foresee how your own arrangements will change once your PFB is born.

ExTwunt and I will make all necessary arrangements with regard to our shared DC including school meeting, plays, etc.

Thank you for making them welcome whilst they are in your home. The ducks sound super marv.

KR,
Nef

And buy your dc some swans.

love it TSS :)

thanks Vseth. I think I've got a lot stronger over time, I still could do with working on my wishful thinking optimism when it leads me up the garden path.

Perhaps you could buy a puppy for her pfb? Or an ostrich?

I would up the ante to condors.

I believe the have space to accommodate an alpaca.

Is Wotoodoo the OW?!

I don't think so, Betty - I think without the back story you might think that it was time to let bygones be bygones - the OW has been around for 2.5 years and is carrying the half-sibling of nefnaf's dc. Etc. I think that poster may be under the impression nefnaf and the OW have never met.

Yes you are right I have not read the back story, just know how dc feel when there is animosity between adults in their lives.

I also have ducks and so know how lovely they are for dc.....

This is all very sad.

Choco, your dcs are related to the baby. They'll be half-siblings.

And they'll be related for life. Even if/when your ExH leaves this current woman.

I know it's awful. Very, very bitter-sweet. But you are magnificent at putting shit aside and I would advise you to gird your loins again, if you can find it in you.

Grit your teeth and keep things sweet between you and your Exh's fiance. Rest assured you, yet again, are doing the best for your own children and, ironically, for their future half-sibling.

When my exH left, his family shut me and ds off completely. His exP also stopped contact immediately with me and our baby son.

So..my lovely little boy has two great half sisters he will never know (unless they do a Long Lost Family episode on him when he's in his forties or fifties or something).

I don't know how you reply to her email. I just ask that you consider the picture long-term. Imagine your dc and their half sibling(s) meeting up for drinks/going on holidays together with their various children. Of course none of that may happen. But it might. It certainly won't if you constrict relationships while your dc are little and therefore in your control iykwim.

I am so glad you have a new DP and that life has treated you well. You truly are a rock. A lovely person. Continue to put your children first if you can. Map out an easy route for them - let them diverge from it when they are old enough to decide. I know how bloody hard that is though.

I miss my step-daughters (because that is what they were, despite what his exp used to hiss at me. And no, there was no affair.) There is a hole in my life where they were for 7 years. And my son and the girls are missing out on having each other.

The girls may not agree of course. Maybe they hate me. But if that is so, it's hatred that's been fuelled by adults.

Please put a shrink-wrapped duck from Waitrose in the boys' overnight bag next time they're going for a contact visit. It'll be like your version of the horse head in The Godfather.

My mum used to tell my dad to "go and Donald Duck yourself" when we were little and she couldn't swear in front of us. Just saying.

Unlikely, OP is already encouraging contact with the DSs and their dad/GF. They will get to spend time with them and the new baby whenever twunt is available, but that doesn't mean that she and OW have to be best buds, certainly not yet.

Yes perhaps one day, when OW has finally grown up and has some comprehension of her role in this whole sorry mess and is able to act with some semblance of respect.

However, the way she has hijacked OP's very generous and selfless offer to spend time with the twunt to try and rebuild some bridges with him, turning it into the 'me me me' show, it's obvious that she still thinks that the she gets to call the shots deciding what is best for the OP's DCs. Yes, it may well be best for them for the adults in their lives to all be amicable. Perhaps if she'd thought of that, she wouldn't have got involved with a married man in the first place. She doesn't get to set the timescales here, OP does.

I'd suggest penguins. Now that would put ducks to shame.

Ok penelope

But the OP has moved on and has a new DP.

So I have question: nefnaf does your partner understand what he's getting in to? Does he have children of his own? Is he spending good quality time with your dc? Does he know them properly as in you and he hang out together with the children and he is in loco parentis when he is around?

I never get this, still:

she wouldn't have got involved with a married man in the first place

Who knows what shit he told her. And even if she was the bitch from lethe, well...

He was a married man and got involved with this woman.

And now there is another baby/life in the mix. This is the crux.

Op has another man and has moved on. (apparently)

Nobody is asking her to be best friends with the woman. One is only suggesting that as all parties are, by their own admission, getting on with life, they do the same by the kids. ie, no 'only on my terms' bollox.

Because in a nano second all said children are going to be 18 then 28, then 50 and it's far better for their mental health if you all stop playing the 'fuck you' game.

As a PS, presumably nef's DP is waiting to step up to the plate and be a permanent step father to her children?......or is he just a passing fancy and if so hopefully has little or no contact with her children.

koala has always made me laugh so hard with her jokes I have to hold my ribs

I think that a variation on the "any friendship between us would be disingenuous" line is fair enough and the best option.

She sounds a bit odd if she thinks a genuine friendship between the two of you could ever happen IMO.

As an aside I have a close friend whose mum is godmother to and very close to her dad and his now wife but previously OWs (and previously students- he's a bit of a wrong un) kids and my friend thinks it's super weird, even after all these years. Her parents and their new spouses all go on holiday together and whilst my friend always says it's "nice they're so civilised" she also often says it's a strange and very loaded set of relationships with a lot of underlying tension. I'm sure they did it all for her, but she's never been comfortable with it really.

Hi Unlikely, thanks for your input - I've replied to both XH and his DP, with a very polite and short message saying I am grateful to her for making my kids welcome (and they do love the ducks). But at present, given that XH and I have only just begun to rebuild a friendship I would prefer to focus on that, and do not feel that meeting in his home with his pregnant DP is the natural place to start. Therefore if XH would like to take up my invitation to meet on neutral ground, it remains open.

Sadly XH has ignored totally this message (and his DP's) and I've had another one from OW explaining to me that she believes my DC need us to be friends, and that for 'clarity' discussing the children was not on her agenda - well, I'm sorry but this is the point. OW still seems to think it's ok for her to set the agenda. Actually, talking about mine and XH's DC is the only agenda - that's the whole point of us maintaining any kind of relationship! I would like to be able to do this, to plan for them together etc. Meeting him isn't about socialising it's about parenting. As their parent, that is my agenda.

It's clear to me that (as yet) OW doesn't understand what being a parent means. And XH is happy to sit back and manipulate a bun fight for his viewing pleasure - given that he's taken zero interest in replying himself, I think Tribpot has been proven right, he doesn't give a monkeys fart about our coparenting relationship.

The DC do already and always will have my full support in having a positive relationship with their dad and his family (and siblings). That doesn't extend to me compromising myself and my values to force a 'friendship' with their SM. WRT my own DP, he is far too classy to try and contact my XH or force himself into our parenting relationship. His role as my kids SP exists outside of that, and he knows and understands that intuitively.

As a final reflection on the whole thing, I believe my DC need role models, and this means standing up for what you believe in just as much as it means being a nice person.

I can't emphasise enough the lack of hate, fuck you's or anything of the kind on my part. I am respectful in the face to total disrespect and kind wherever possible (it is always possible to be kind). But never mistake kindness for a lack of backbone, or manners for not feeling hurt. I believe that I am strong because of my ability to be gentle with my children and their father about the situation, not despite it. But believe me, being graceful about it won't mean I lie down like a doormat and pretend their shitty behaviour didn't happen.

Well who knows what bullshit ow was fed about the state of the marriage. But she was aware from the cot by the bed that she was shagging a man with a very young child.

Personally I would have found that abhorrent.

well said and well done nefnaf. It is not your role to jump to her agenda or t make her feel comfortable about her choices. She embarked on a relationship with a man who was married, had a toddler and a baby on the way. You are amazingly not bitter and are coming from a place of kindness but there is no reason for you to fulfil her fantasy of everyone being lovely friends together. You will be civil to her, I am sure, but you do not have to choose her for a friend. Why the duck would you?

Wonderful post nef. I do so admire you.