OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

walter I like the last bit!

Arf @ Don't give a fuck about your ducks

I am at the absolutely cheek of that woman. I agree with those who have said she is worries about you and XH building some bridges. Most of us know how uncomfortable it feels when our DP spends time with his ex and the DCs like they're a big happy family again, even if we know that there is nothing untoward going on. She is staking her claim on him and your dcs by nudging her way into your proposed meet-up, but then who can blame her for keeping a close eye on the scum bag who has form for cheating on his pregnant DW? Perhaps you should reply

"dear Ow, thank you for your message suggesting that we all meet in your home. I can understand why you think that is a good idea, after all, we both know that twunt doesn't find pregnant women attractive and is probably at this moment looking for other options. You can rest assured that I wouldn't touch him with someone else's so you are quite safe to let him off his leash at the park for half an hour to discuss co-parenting the dcs he has with me. When it comes to arrangements for co parenting your own DC in the future I'm sure you will be given lots of helpful advice on the best way to do that by the woman he happens to be shagging. Peace & love, Nef xxx"

I think not replying is passive agressive, and will allow her to think of herself as the victim in the situation (the irony).

I would reply, and very politely state that I don't want to meet with her because a) there is no way we will ever be friends b) I don't believe in lying to the DCs.

Short and to the point.

I would tell her exactly what I think of her. And then delete the email and deal only with XH. Possibly telling him to ensure she never contacts me again.

XH left for his OW when I was pregnant and she knew all about it. I only speak to XH and only about the children because I have to.

Oh my Penelope I knew I could rely on MN to make me laugh about the whole thing. That is what my naughty alterego would LOVE to say. And I never would, but it's very cathartic to see it written down for me regardless!! Thank you for bringing a smile to my face

when it comes to arrangements for co parenting your own DC in the future I'm sure you will be given lots of helpful advice on the best way to do that by the woman he happens to be shagging That. Totally

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing at the moment. Unlikely as it seems at the moment, you may - at some point in the distant future - be able to stomach the presence of the woman.

I would respond along the lines of "thank you for your email. At this stage, after a very difficult 2.5 years, X and I are working hard to build a something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be. If, at some point in the future, I feel you and I should develop a similarly friendly relationship (or something like that, can't quite think of the words to that bit and DC3 keeps distracting me by showing me his pictures...), then I will, of course, let you know"

That way, you make it clear that you are keeping the lines of communication open, but on your terms.

Fascinating. The OW totally reminds me of my father's wife, who also entered the scene as a OW. The pushy, controlling, "I-know-best" attitude, borne out of a sense of superiority and a need to paint herself as a wonderful, fair, mature person to my dad. OP, is your xh quite weak and happy to be led?

Ooh, bitter tone to my post so far but there you go, the children of divorced adulterous parents are affected, even as adults, however much people try sweeping stuff under the carpet!

I agree she wants to stir up some drama. She can't bear not to be the centre of attention and sounds deeply insecure. Personally I wouldn't bother replying to her (does it matter if that is passive aggressive?) and deal only with XH. No need to copy her in as it sounds like he shares everything with her anyway.

It sounds like he's not able to make parenting decisions or even go for coffee without her, so I would give up on that idea for now.

Hopefully once her baby comes along she'll be too busy to be quite so involved in your DC's life.

I would reply;

Thank you for your kind offer, but we feel this is not the time but we will consider it in the future.

Much love

Me and family

Its vauge, civil and shows its not just you (she has a lot of people to rewirte history with!)

More importantly it shows you have moved on. I would cc the kids dad in as well.

I think I'd reply factually that you are only want to deal with the co- parent for now and see how that goes. Baby steps and all. I wouldn't be able to resist a P.A comment on how why building bridges will be a slow process.

I actually think the sentiment in wotoodoos post was spot on and an ideal place to aim for in the future. You don't want to hold negativity if at all possible ( even though they were total bastards to you. Good luck. How amazing you've done to get to this point.

I know Nef, you'll do the right, dignified thing, in the best interests of your Dcs, as you always do. I think it's fairly obvious that Wot was not around for your original threads, as you dealt with this all in such a calm and inspirational way when many would have been sending the messages we are joking about here!

I like SirChenjin and airofhope's tone actually. Keeping it brief emotionless and yet saying firmly "butt out", if only for now.

I'm going with emailing him back, very short and sweet. Something along the lines of 'Would prefer to meet on neutral ground, perhaps we can pop to the park with the boys at pick up one day. If this doesn't suit not to worry - happy to leave it for now.'

I'm not going to reference or reply to her email. I want to focus on being parents with his dad and not get sidetracked. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and humour! God bless MN for the space to vent

Time for a before I draft it.

x

The demon on my shoulder is saying make a crayon drawing of what she can do with her ducks and send it with lots of xxxooo.

But no. It is amusing to think of what you might say to her, but she isn't going to get it and will misinterpret everything you say, it won't achieve anything apart from confusing your children and passing the problem on to the next generation. (wot could not be more wrong in what screws up children.) Let her confuse her own child, maybe having an outlet for her helicopter behaviour will be enough when hers is born. I do feel a bit sorry for her ducks though.

But if you don't mention her at all, is there a chance she'll show up at the park uninvited because you haven't explicitly responded "no" to her email?

'I have no wish to cause upset to a pregnant woman - after all, I know more than most how devastating that can be - and I will not get drawn into the rewriting of the history between us. There is no potential for friendship.

My ex-husband and I will parent our children, who deserve to have happy relationships with all of us. However, I have no desire for a relationship with you or your ducks.'

I actually love Penelope's response though!

Agree with tumble - by ignoring her I think you give her the go-ahead to do what she wants, and gives her ammunition for the "I tried to build bridges with Nef, she just ignored me, she really doesn't want the best for the DCs whereas I do" type nonsense.

See if you even suggested the idea of being a SP to her child, bet you she'd go bonkers. But it's ok the other way round eh.

I see nothing wrong with polite civil handovers on the doorstep, personally. You don't need to meet ducks or go round the house to foster pleasant relations.

you're not together and your vehicle moved on. keep discussions about your children to email and continue to be polite but distant on handovers. never bad mouth him or her to the.kids and that's it; job done;

the children need a relationship with their father. you don't so my advice would be as above

good point tumble will have to be more explicit than that won't I? hmm. I did think of saying something about not causing stress in pregnancy but I don't think I can be bothered to point it out. I'm sure by now she'll have realised what an utterly shit thing it was they put me through. No doubt shes feeling insecure as hell.

And if she isn't, well me making a comment about it is hardly likely to penetrate that kind of rhino hide!

sorry typos galore

I wouldn't, nefnaf (and yes, I remember your previous threads very well). She has sent this email because you are trying to move your relationship with your absolute unmitigated cunt of an ex back on to a more civil footing. He neither deserves nor is capable of having a respectful relationship with you and should be kept to the doorstep, frankly. They've gone back on the attack (together, don't for a minute imagine this was her on her own) over the mere mention of you having a relationship with him that doesn't involve her. Imagine how much worse it will be if you do manage to meet with him without her.

Don't even go there. In my view you are still too determined to be reasonable - you're not bucking for sainthood. And you could be trying to rebuild a relationship with him at the point just before he loses interest in your children entirely. I would wait it out until the arrival of this poor child (imagine having that pair of fuckers for parents) and see how his attitude - and hers - changes.

And if you want to send a reply from me - and all of MN - to them, might I suggest 'FUCK YOU'?

I would expect to see her at the meeting anyway, after all a park is a public place.

I would then say great you can watch the kids when we go get the coffees what would you like? Then talk to xh as you get the coffees away from her?

Or smile and say you are glad they can both make it

at the posters saying that you should be grateful the skanky bitch is a 'good' stepmother OP. I hope she would not be having any contact at all with your DCs at all if she wasn't!