OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

Hi tribpot my lovely, it's been a while - but it's good to have the input of people who remember the whole sorry story. Bit of a reality check.

I definitely dont want to be a saint, and I am too optimistic to a fault, I recognise this. I have been assuming the new baby won't change contact etc, but perhaps that's really naive.

Maybe I should just retract the whole suggestion and say upon reflection, it's not the right time?

Just to add, I would honestly reply with an email saying that it would have been in your children's best interests if she had not shagged their father while he was married to you and helped to make them homeless, so it's a bit too late for her to worry about that now.

Cheeky bitch. Yes, you can be civil but really you cannot ever be friends with someone who caused so much hurt to you and your DC. To do so would be more damaging that having a very healthy dislike IMO and she is just as responsible as your DH.

Email back saying Thank you for your email but I have no interest in being friends with you. I am only interested to build a more stable and courteous relationship with XH for the sake of our DC. Any parenting discussions will be between XH and myself and there is no need for you to be involved.

And then add the line about the ducks.

And possibly add "How is pregnancy treating you? I remember feeling pretty shit at this point in my last pregnancy."

I remember the whole story. Wow the cheek of her! Am glad you are in such a good place now. I think breezy and distant is the way to go.

As a child of a 'broken home' I would have found it very odd indeed if my DM and the OWs (yes multiple ha ha; I also realise that makes no sense grammatically ), were to be anything other than distant or appropriately civil to each other. I built nice relationships with (some) of them, in their homes, and that's been fine, better than fine in the most enduring case.

Had the splits been more acrimonious, and life with both been less than harmonious, (massive understatement - in the case with DM and stepD) then I would have found anything other than bitterness and anger peculiar indeed, in fact I would have wondered about the sanity of the victim in this case. Admittedly, I was probably a little older during that split than your DCs.

What I'm trying to say is that making your children happy has nothing to do with distorting the truth of past events.

Just had another thought - we've all met people who thought that their parent's splitting was their fault right? I'll bet it was those parents and OWs etc who did the smiling nicely and pretending all was fine. Very confusing for DCs.

Why do you want this meeting now, OP?

Is it a pre-baby contact talk for example?

I only ask because I do wonder what twist she's likely to put on it so I would be prepared for him to think there's an ulterior motive!

Hi saffron :)

breezy and distant sounds good.

I am really in a good place right now, and that's something I need to hold on to - the issues with XH and OW are just a drop in the ocean now. For those who remember me, just a wee update. I did move to a new city, I started a business which is doing really well, and I've been with my DP since Feb... I absolutely was not going to let the sorry situation drag me down. And life is really, truly happy right now. So I'll just have to navigate this blip and get back on an even keel asap!

I have been assuming the new baby won't change contact etc, but perhaps that's really naive.

The smart money would be on:

• her going batshit (how insecure must she be feeling already knowing what the father of her child did to the mother of his previous child at this stage of pregnancy?)
• the Blessed Child requiring full attention and your two being surplus to requirements
• your XH going on the prowl for another victim who can provide his needs without all this motherhood bollocks getting in the way.

Stay well away from any of that in my view.

I would be tempted to forget you ever suggested coffee to the ex, he can bring it up again if he gives a shit (he doesn't). And I wouldn't reply to the email for at least a couple of weeks. If he mentions she's sent it, claim not to have seen it but say you'll check in Spam as a few things seem to have fallen in there by mistake recently. If they push the point that you're to come round and look at the ducks I'd say you'd prefer not to confuse the children by blurring boundaries, particularly in light of the upcoming arrival of a new baby.

Or perhaps a very subtle "while I appreciate that you have always had my children's best interests at heart and that your very presence in their lives as a 'third parent' far outweighs any mild inconvenience caused by their father leaving before ds2 was even born and them losing their home, on this occasion I will have to decline your very kind offer to get involved. Let me know once your baby arrives though, and maybe then the three of us can sit down and discuss parenting strategies that will work for all of the children, as I think it's important that we all have consistent and firm boundaries in place. I trust you will be BFing until at least a year, as I believe that to be in the best interest of the baby and that you will be establishing a good bedtime routine from the start? This is so important for babies' well-being. If you need any assistance with this do contact me as I have experience of bringing up 2 babies - one single-handedly LOL!"

I mostly wanted to meet up because DS1 wants us all to go to his birthday party together this year. Which is out of the question. So I was thinking ahead and considering whether we might be able to get to a point where it was possible to go to school plays/parents evenings/parties together IF the DC really wanted us to.

Also, I have strong and relatively alternative views on education (think forest school until the age of 8 in an ideal world, whereas DS's dad wants exactly what he had as a child replicated) and I was thinking we might mange to have a sensible conversation about it. But that isn't likely, I know.

Not sure either of those reasons are good enough to pursue it though, when I think about it.

by all I mean DS1 + DS2, me and their dad. Not OW.

Fuck him, do forest school - how awesome would that be for a kid?!

ignore and blame spam filter is actually my winning answer right now. Let XH lead any conversation, if he gives a shit. And if he doesn't (he won't) then we just let the suggestion die a quiet death.

I love MN for the brain sift. I wouldn't have come up with that on my own, I know. Thank you!

:D as for forest school... Well obviously I think is would be amazing, and there's a yurt school up the road from me that looks incredible! I already do a home school group with the DC every week in the forest near us. They literally adore it!

Yes. Remember it is about your needs: as you have so clearly expressed your need is to have a workable and civil relationship with your twunt ex for the good of your DC. Her need to rewrite history, and pass the situation off as everyone being friends, or alternatively to ramp up the drama: whatever game she is playing , just let her stew in her own juice with her ducks while you happily get on with your life.

Forest schools - or home ed, if you really want to liven things up a bit

Spam filter. Hilarious :)

I think you're heart is in the right place and you're trying to do what's right for your dc.

Unfortunately, they've a tosser for a dad so I think you're fighting a losing battle personally! You tried, he's a twat.

Alternatively, invite them over for dinner. And serve duck.

Shame there's no such thing as a Twunt filter. I might invent an app and make a fortune.

Re: the party, I think you need to explain to ds1 that it would be XH and OW plus you and DP along with friends and parents of friends. Local MNers will be happy to come along to act as extras in that little psychodrama. But if he wants a happy families moment of you, XH, him and his bro - sadly he needs to understand this can't happen. Life has moved on and that particular family unit doesn't exist any more.

Trying to avoid spurting my drink all over the keyboard at Waltermitty's genius suggestion.

You aren't anywhere near The Fat Duck restaurant are you? That would be a nice neutral meeting place.

How long till the baby is born?
I have a feeling this won't be an issue once her real, actual baby comes along.

She won't want to be mummy to your two. I think thats why its wise not to let her play mummy now.

Horrible for your DCs when its not a novelty anymore.

So go with the spam filter now (although fuck you and your ducks is my favourite) and bide your time.

When she has her little princess or prince to play with she won't give a toss about your DCs.

But they have you so they are the lucky ones.

I liked your "'Would prefer to meet on neutral ground, perhaps we can pop to the park with the boys at pick up one day. If this doesn't suit not to worry - happy to leave it for now.'" idea for a reply, because it is fairly polite and friendly.

Although the suggestions of lines like "you are of no consequence" or "I have no interest in being friends with you" etc. may be satisfying, they will be upsetting to her and I can only see them making the situation worse. You say that she is getting her claws into them now, imagine how much worse she would be if she got it into her head that their mother was an evil witch - then she would be able to convince herself they need her as a replacement.

I think that in situations like these a friendship is the ideal but rare solution, and it can only ever work if there is mutual respect for each other's roles, which she seems completely oblivious to while demanding the friendship at the same time.

I wonder if when she has her own DC she will gain a better understanding of boundaries? Maybe that is wishful thinking, but it's a possibility since it sounds like so far she genuinely hasn't been able to comprehend the significance of a mother/child relationship, which has allowed her to become possessive/defensive.